Breaking Up

Hard Choices

Folder: 
The Rest

Held within an enigma of a variation of love,
Turning this way and that
Avoiding the issues
Denying the lies so white they fade in the morning

 

Touching upon the real words beneath
Suggestions of the truth hidden in reactions
Reactions to reactions
Leading away from the things that need to be said


Disappointment in the grimy daily reality of together
Searching for bright beginnings
Watching goal posts moving
Dragging expectations along behind

 

Years of comfort lie like dust over honesty
Individual dreams softening round the edges
Losing focus, losing choices
losing the bigger picture still unfolding outside the window

 

Blink and you’re 40, 50, 60, dead
Sleep through thoughts of leaving
Balance cruelty with kindness
Watch the scales swing back and forth to the rhythm of years passing

 

Leave and lose half your life
Stay and lose half the life you would have led
Plucking at the tangle of possibilities
To find a beginning or an end

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Future?

Not talking to you is just killing me.
I’m missing everything that I know we could be.
I know I needed to put my foot down,
But I’m finding it hard to stand my ground.

The sound of your voice is music to my ears.
The words you whisper I’m longing to hear.
Without you around there’s a void in my day.
I didn’t mean for you to go – I wanted you to stay.

How do I reconcile the difference between
what you we could be versus what you DO mean
to me in my daily life, in my heart in my mind?
How can I live with being left behind?

I want to have you as part of my life.
I want to be yours – maybe be your wife.
I want you to be mine to have and to hold.
I want to laugh with you, I want to grow old.

Yet again I find myself having feelings for a man
who can’t commit to me…who it seems can’t stand
to bear the warm embrace, the security of a home
offered by a woman who’d rather not be alone.

I don’t need a man to take care of me.
I want a partner – I want to become “we”.
I’m looking for laughter, I’m looking for fun.
I’m desperately seeking that special “someone”.

Never have I asked for lush, lavish gifts.
Not once have I suggested sudden commitments.
What I’m seeking is something that won’t cost you a dime.
All I ask is a small piece of your precious time.

The demands on your life are numerous, it’s true,
and never have I wanted to be a burden to you.
Yet I feel right now I have to make a choice –
Do I continue in pain or do now I use my voice?

Is it time to speak up for that which I feel?
Is now the time to figure out what is real?
Am I willing to run the risk of letting you go?
Can I make this tough choice? I really don’t know.

Maybe you’re ready for me to just leave.
Perhaps this isn’t my story to weave.
Perchance my departure is just what you need.
Conceivably I’m an irritant…a bother…a weed.

It’s hard to believe what I feel isn’t true.
It’s difficult thinking of being without you.
But I can’t force the issue – I can’t make you mine.
So either I walk away or simply toe the line.

The choice is really a simple one I see,
and either option will bring some pain to me:
I can have you around in a superficial way,
or I can simply depart – you won’t ask me to stay.

Either way that I go won’t bring me joy.
I don’t see a smile...I’m not being coy.
I’ve laid out exactly what you mean to me,
but whether there’s a future here, I just cannot see.

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Doomed

the urge to call or text is overwhelming.
you pulled the plug.
you ended it.
i was brave at work, i swallowed my tears,
but on the way home i cried like i hadn't in years.

i'm so confused.
i don't know what to do.
so i'm suffering alone on the couch,
hopelessly lost because i couldn't figure you out.

your reaction surprised me.
we have a mutual acquaintance.
it should have been an it's a small world after all moment,
but you exploded and freaked out on me.
then you accused me of being a creepy cyber stalker,
like i was hunting you and your friends down online.

you didn't even say you were sorry.
you began to grill me.
things spiraled out of control.
then you said i was too much drama
and you let me go!

i'm hurt and sad but not mad.
i'm giving you time and space.
all my friend think you're hiding something
and that is why you got up in my face,
but i just miss you being at my place.

this love still echos inside of me.
i'm ruined by you and now i'm without you.
i feel doomed!

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Pressed Flowers

She asked for her letters back.
Who does that?

Love letters are like flowers,
you don't give them back
after you break up--
not like the scarf she lent me,
or all those guitar picks--

you keep them pressed and folded
in the back of a drawer
stacked neatly.

You forget them, until one day
you open that drawer

and smell the sweetness of her perfume
see the loops of her handwriting
on cheap lined paper
and remember.

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No More Dreaming

Folder: 
Dolour

Baby, please don’t hide I am right here
Standing by your side, glowing from the life you given me
Thu I am dressed in black
Standing in this church, looking at you
Feeling the hooks in my heart
The pain that stains my moment of heaven
Rains down onto our love as I struggle
I having a hard time believing
This nightmare living before us

Baby, I don’t wanna go
I never thought it would come
Why must we suffer when we love
All we want is each other
I want to count on forever with you
I don’t breathe without you
Everybody is saying no, but I cannot
Function enough to acknowledge
The fact you need me, right here and now
Hold us tight, this nightmare will fade

I wanna take that bullet of misery
Tear it out of your heart
Take back my flag, let it fly
To the wind, along with the others
Lift up your head babe, baby please see me
All that could have been still could happen
Just don’t pull that trigger to start that sad song
None of us wants to suffer singing
The heart destroying lyrics

I am right here, I don’t want to leave
Must I go? Do I really need to drop this goodness
Why must we suffer when we love
All we want is each other
I want to count on forever with you
I don’t breathe without you
Everybody is saying no, but I cannot
Function enough to acknowledge
The fact you need me, right here and now
Hold me tight, this nightmare will fade

Oh, everyone says leave her alone
Don’t bother with loving her, she too young
But I am counting on forever with you
Oh babe, baby I wanna hold you in my arms
I wanna taste and share kisses til we are better
I don’t wanna stand in the background any more
I wanna be right there by your side
Letting our love be known and fulfilled
I am here, no more dreaming… no more dreaming…

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"It could not be a Dream" was original title.

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Dreams Never Come True

Folder: 
Break Ups

 

I used to think it was us.

I used to think it was you.

But now all I can think

Is dreams never come true.

Was it me, Baby?

Was it no use?

Is there a reason

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I Don't Need To Know

 

You told me tonight

That we really need to talk

I said go ahead

You said hardly anything at all

All you could say to me

Is you can't make it work

All I could say was ok

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Forever On My Own!

I will tell you how to feel

I will make you cry

You will want to leave

You will want to die

Die!

You will want to die



In all of my years

I have hardly shed a tear

Because I cannot feel

I can never believe it's real

I never stop to think

I know I never will

I know I never will



Being here with me

You are depressed constantly

Because I just don't care

Or at least don't show it where

It's enough to make you stay

It's enough for you to bear

I should always be alone

Forever on my own!



Some day you will see

You're better off alone

Or at least without me

I will never be

Anything to you

Because I cannot be

Anything to me!



Don't allow yourself to feel

You know I never will

Do that for me

Every moment from you I steal

And ever dream of yours I kill

You will never

Get to be free

Until you go!

Until you go!



Being here with me

You are depressed constantly

Because I just don't care

Or at least don't show it where

It's enough to make you stay

It's enough for you to bear

I should always be alone

Forever on my own!



I can't be good enough for you

Or for anyone else at all

Even the worst out there

Is too good

So I put up a wall



I wish I could wish you the best

But that would be too much

I know I'm no good

Compared to the rest

I'm never enough



Being here with me

You are depressed constantly

Because I just don't care

Or at least don't show it where

It's enough to make you stay

It's enough for you to bear

I should always be alone

Forever on my own!



Forever on my own

No emotion to be known

Always abandoned and alone

A conscience never to be shown

Forever on my own!

Forever on my own!

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I Only Get Better

I want you to know me

So many things

I wish I could say

I only hope for an ending

Not so painful

But enough to walk away

Because I think that you'r hurting

As much as I am

And maybe more

I've been crazy about you

Since the first thing

But I don't know if I can

Feel like before



Weren't you the one

Who talked about love

And us getting married

I thought after my first time

That kind of thing

Would really scare me

But it didn't

It felt so right,

Too good to

Ever be wrong



But now we don't talk much, if ever

You say it's me

That I did it all

So why am I

Feeling like I've given

Cuz you made me fall

Yet taken back

By you giving back never

If you worry about causing me pain

Know I only get better



Someone once said

Love is worth

Much more than gold

But I've never known

What real love really is

So everything I'm to feel

I've only been told

Sometimes I wish

I could have you

The way you said

You wanted me, too

But what is there between us

Mostly fear of hurting the other

I'm so afraid

To do that to you



But now we don't talk much, if ever

You say it's me

That I did it all

So why am I

Feeling like I've given

Cuz you made me fall

Yet taken back

By you giving back never

If you worry about causing me pain

Know I only get better



Weren't you the one

Who talked about love

And us getting married

I thought after my first time

That kind of thing

Would really scare me

But it didn't

It felt so right,

Too good to

Ever be wrong



Are we only holding on

To something non-existent

Proving that the two of us

Are really gone

Too cheated to be together

Too unhappy

To know what we have

I just wanted to tell you

That no matter what and whether

We continue on or not,

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