#depression

The Seed

Folder: 
2020

The Seed

04/23/2020

 

Dwelling in the past I see,

All doors are locked into the future,

North,

South,

East,

West.

 

I open each and I see,

A dead end to no man land.

 

Banging on each door in frustration,

Slamming each in disappointment.

 

I look up to see,

Another door to meet.

 

I jump, I cannot,

I climb wall and slip.

 

I step on the knobs only to fall,

But I look up and see a plaque.

 

The plaque reads,

“Only the brave, the smart, the bold shall open.”

But I try and I get no luck.

 

I tie my belt to reach,

Only to fall behind me.

 

I throw my shoe in hopes to break,

But all it does it bounces off and hits the light.

 

I reread the plaque, but it reads another note,

“Knock knock and you shall seek,

Only the those who can will”.

 

Puzzle I feel,

Questionable, I think.

But at the end, I think on who am I.

 

I throw my shoe knocking each time,

But the door does not open,

As the door starts to spin.

 

I question if the door is spinning,

Or if I am spinning.

Walls start to spin,

All doors start to spin,

Entire room starts to spin.

 

I stop,

I pause,

I hold arms against the walls,

I take a deep breath,

I start to think.

 

I start questioning the plaque to read,

I study,

I observe,

I rethink,

I stop.

 

I read the plaques,

I notice a reflection,

I look at the wall to see,

A mirror appears,

I see my own reflection,

And I wonder…

 

Who am I?

Why am I here?

What do I want?

Where shall I lead?

What will I find?

 

I think all questions to seek,

But what do I seek?

Knowledge?

Understanding?

Puzzles?

 

I see blank,

I see space,

I see emptiness,

I see nothing.

 

So, I seek again the same questions:

Who am I?

Why am I here?

What do I want?

Where shall I lead?

What will I find?

 

I start getting frustrated with the questions,

Anger,

Upset,

Distance.

 

I start punching,

Knuckles start to bleed,

Scrapes start to appear,

More anger starts,

Frustration,

Chaos,

Anger,

Craziness,

Walls start to spin.

 

Faster,

Faster,

Faster…

 

I fall to the floor,

I cry,

I lay,

I curl.

 

Anger,

Depression,

Sadness,

Craziness,

Frustration.

 

Walls stop spinning.

I look at my knuckles,

All beaten up,

Bleeding,

Shirt all bloody,

Pants all scraped up.

 

I look at my reflection in the mirror,

Tears run down my face,

Eyes bloodshot from water,

Great sorrow,

Anger.

 

Angry that I cannot,

Angry that I do not have answers,

Angry at all the questions,

Angry at myself,

Angry on who I have become,

Angry on why.

 

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

 

Why is this?

What is this?

Who is this?

Where is this?

When is this?

How is this?

 

I try to answer each,

All I come back with is,

“Now”

 

Not yesterday,

Not the past,

Not today,

But Now.

Not even tomorrow.

 

Past leads to failure,

Yesterday leads to depression,

Future leads to desperation,

Tomorrow leads to weakness.

 

Today leads to uneven,

Now leads to the question.

 

But what is the Question?

What is the “right” Question.

 

Is it the wrong question?

Is it the right question?

Will the question be the question?

Or will the question be the answer?

Perhaps the answer IS the question.

 

But will the question ever be asked the question,

So, if the question is the question,

Will the answer be the answer?

 

I press my hands together,

Place one on the floor,

I start to get up,

Fisting to the ground.

 

I push up!

I sit up!

I stand up!

 

I clean my hands,

I clean my face,

I clean my pants.

 

I got this!

But who got me?

My family?

My friends?

My buddies?

My coworkers?

 

No! They do not!

I got myself!

 

I am strong!

I am wealth!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

I raise my arm to the sky…

I repeat the above…

 

I am strong!

I am wealth!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

Nothing again…

 

I start begging,

I am strong!

I am wealth!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

Still nothing…

 

Again,

I am strong!

I am wealth!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

As I scream louder!

 

Nothing again…

 

I then see something shining behind the mirror,

I see a heart,

I see not gold,

I see not silver,

I see not ruby,

I see…

I see it pumping!

 

I feel myself, and I feel nothing,

No pulse,

No beat,

No rate.

 

Just emptiness.

 

I hold the heart,

I feel air,

I feel soft,

I feel a pump.

 

I place it near my chest and again I say,

 

I am strong!

I am wealth!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

And still nothing…

 

Then decided to go a different twist and say,

 

I am strong!

I am smart!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

Tingling the door shakes and again I say,

 

I am strong!

I am smart!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

Walls start to shake and I go louder,

 

I AM STRONG!

I AM SMART!

I AM HEART!

I AM ME!

 

I repeat after repeat until I see a hole.

Walls start to shake,

Doors start to wall,

Mirror falls and breaks,

 

I step back and in fear,

In fear of seven years,

Seven years of bad luck!

 

I fall onto my knees in failure,

I tear,

A tear falls and a sprout burst,

 

Sprout starts to grow,

Taller,

Thicker,

Stronger,

Expanding,

Greener.

 

Sprout becomes,

Bush becomes,

Small tree becomes,

Large tree becomes.

 

Expands,

Breaks,

Destroys,

Demolishes.

 

Doors break apart.

North gone,

South gone,

East gone,

West gone.

 

But only one door remains!

 

Door on to starts to break apart,

Steps appear,

Roots burst out,

Pushing me above!

 

Pushing the door to the sky,

Breaking the door in the path!

Repeating myself,

I can do this!

I can try!

I know!

I am!

 

Pushes stronger to seek,

To seek the now,

Not the past,

Not the yesterday,

Not the future,

But yes, to now!

 

Forcing myself out the room to seek a new adventure!

Sun shining in my eyes!

Fresh air!

Birds chirping!

But still in disappointment.

 

Plant starts to shrink!

Sending me back into the room.

Wanting to deny who I am.

Not wanting on who to become.

 

Walls start to go up,

Mirror starts to break even more,

Darkness becomes.

 

Denial on who I am,

Not worth accepting,

In fear of hope!

 

Fear of loss,

Fear of denial,

Fear of rejection,

Fear of falling apart,

Fear of losing everything on what I gained.

 

Accepting who I am,

It is not easy,

But I must!

I must accept for who I am.

I must accept who to be.

I must accept Me.

 

I am a son,

I am a brother,

I am a cousin/nephew,

I am a friend,

I am a coworker,

I am for who I am,

I am me.

 

I am not a star,

I am not an athlete,

I am not perfect,

I am not excellent,

I am not great!

 

We have flaws,

We fail,

We are not perfect,

We make mistakes,

 

We are we,

We are who we want to be,

We are who we shall be,

We are who we will be,

We are who we were.

 

We are people,

Citizens,

Family,

Humans.

 

We are loved,

We are cherished,

We are acknowledged,

We are the world!

 

I stand,

I raise my fist,

I repeat again…

 

I am strong!

I am smart!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

And even louder!

 

I am strong!

I am smart!

I am heart!

I am Me!

With great joy I say once more…

 

I am strong!

I am smart!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

I raise my fist into the air,

Tree starts to grow,

Roots start to fix,

Roots repair,

Tree flourishes,

Breaks the room apart!

 

Standing tall with an almighty again,

 

I am strong!

I am smart!

I am heart!

I am Me!

 

Tree starts to blossom,

Tree becomes a forest.

Tree becomes the World!

 

The tree is me!

I was never the human,

I was never in the room.

I was always the seed.

 

The seed to success,

The seed to life,

The seed to immortality,

The seed to happiness,

The seed to the end of the end.

 

The seed that will unite us,

The seed that will bring love,

The seed that will heal us.

The seed to Alpha and perhaps the Omega.

 

The seed to the end of time!

 

I am who I am,

I am what I am,

I am where I am,

I am when I am,

I am why I am,

I am how I am.

 

I am me,

I am full of energy,

I am grateful to life,

I am my team,

I am my family,

I am my liberty,

I am my own self.

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19. Sad Girl

Folder: 
Black Shades

Rise to the ashes
Thick as smoke
Clouded as dust,
Make this your offering at the feast of sinners
Love your body
Break bread and share
Your woebegotten cries could fill cathedrials.
Is this a celebration?
Why mourn life if you still live?
Sad eyed girl could bend her hands in prayers
Sad girl, could release it, God willing.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

10.28.18

View amberspoetry's Full Portfolio

18. Black mass

Folder: 
Black Shades

Tears overwhelm a soul of white
Clensed in a sea of forgiveness shining through the glass stained windows of a repentent heart.
Holding a black mass funeral for a thousand days past, the widow who was once married to her sadness is mourning in shrouded sunlight.

God, please release her, for she longs to smile like a warm curve of a halo in a church full of renewal.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

10.28.18

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5. Agony

Folder: 
Black Shades

This sweet agony

in me is still

sleeping, stirring.

Slicing, sobbing.
Why, I do believe it is called grief

and its tears are daggers. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

10.28.18

View amberspoetry's Full Portfolio

3. Darkness

Folder: 
Black Shades

Darkness envelops me like shadow in the sunlight.
Depression flies by night like a raven with outstreched wings
Suicidal thoughts are fleeding but still they embalm me in fear as I embark on deaths valley.
I thirst for the waters and venture the wastelands. I live to see another day.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

10.28.18

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The Living Dead

Woke upon requirement

To work

Dusk till dawn

The living dead

 

Living only because

Blood pumps through the heart

Dead because

There is no emotion

Left to show

 

As a stirring motion

Brings about what seems

To be life

But the truth is death

Inside each one

 

Like an addiction

Consuming the mind

Now dead inside

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melencolia

The Master ullisionist, my depression

 

it is thick & inky, surrounding & permeating everything i am

i see nothing but imprenatable blackness

i hear only the constant ringing in my ears

my thoughts are sluggish & pitch

     they were not spared from the darkness

my intentions, once gay, now loom overwhelming

my voice, my words, are absorbed into the void

    this is the most damning aspect of it all

condeming me to isolation

so it ends as it began, an illusion

its little comfort, perception is reality

Author's Notes/Comments: 

first denying, then fearing, now getting inside of and familiarizing myself with my own darkness.   dark thoughts, dark psyche, dark future.   throwing red flags to anyone who can help, on a journey to understand, and heal myself.   hoping my words can help others feel solidarity, and realize the importance of healing yourself first.

Chameleon in the Crowd

Something to wish to be

Is a Chameleon

In a crowd

Because then

No one

Tries to hurt you

 

The chameleon in a crowd

Something wishing to be

Then there may be people to the side

Or even those

Who care

 

To be a chameleon

Is to blend in

And to be normal

And then

It all could just go away

Then

Life is whole

 

If only

To be

A chameleon

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The Rope, The Brick, and The Balcony

The night is dark

And the sky is lit by the stars above

A beautiful light flashing across the sky

Millions of tiny balls of fire

Each a different color

Oh how strong the wish to become part of it is

 

The balcony reflects the universe outside

The wretched planet we are confined to

It consumes lives

And tries to deny

Space

Is better than it

 

The brick

Solid like the earth

A symbol of any planet

Able to support life

 

The rope

Long and strong

Like the string of planets

Sat on rings

Around a star

Holding life together

Or taking it apart

 

The brick

Laid upon the balcony

With the rope

Dangling down

A small loop

At the end

 

The time has come

The rope

Gnawing at the throat

Until lightning strikes

From the brewing storm

The rope breaks

The balcony burns

 

All thats left

The brick

And a hollow shell

That was once

A person

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