#depression

19. Sad Girl

Folder: 
Black Shades

Rise to the ashes
Thick as smoke
Clouded as dust,
Make this your offering at the feast of sinners
Love your body
Break bread and share
Your woebegotten cries could fill cathedrials.
Is this a celebration?
Why mourn life if you still live?
Sad eyed girl could bend her hands in prayers
Sad girl, could release it, God willing.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

10.28.18

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18. Black mass

Folder: 
Black Shades

Tears overwhelm a soul of white
Clensed in a sea of forgiveness shining through the glass stained windows of a repentent heart.
Holding a black mass funeral for a thousand days past, the widow who was once married to her sadness is mourning in shrouded sunlight.

God, please release her, for she longs to smile like a warm curve of a halo in a church full of renewal.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

10.28.18

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5. Agony

Folder: 
Black Shades

This sweet agony

in me is still

sleeping, stirring.

Slicing, sobbing.
Why, I do believe it is called grief

and its tears are daggers. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

10.28.18

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3. Darkness

Folder: 
Black Shades

Darkness envelops me like shadow in the sunlight.
Depression flies by night like a raven with outstreched wings
Suicidal thoughts are fleeding but still they embalm me in fear as I embark on deaths valley.
I thirst for the waters and venture the wastelands. I live to see another day.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

10.28.18

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The Living Dead

Woke upon requirement

To work

Dusk till dawn

The living dead

 

Living only because

Blood pumps through the heart

Dead because

There is no emotion

Left to show

 

As a stirring motion

Brings about what seems

To be life

But the truth is death

Inside each one

 

Like an addiction

Consuming the mind

Now dead inside

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melencolia

The Master ullisionist, my depression

 

it is thick & inky, surrounding & permeating everything i am

i see nothing but imprenatable blackness

i hear only the constant ringing in my ears

my thoughts are sluggish & pitch

     they were not spared from the darkness

my intentions, once gay, now loom overwhelming

my voice, my words, are absorbed into the void

    this is the most damning aspect of it all

condeming me to isolation

so it ends as it began, an illusion

its little comfort, perception is reality

Author's Notes/Comments: 

first denying, then fearing, now getting inside of and familiarizing myself with my own darkness.   dark thoughts, dark psyche, dark future.   throwing red flags to anyone who can help, on a journey to understand, and heal myself.   hoping my words can help others feel solidarity, and realize the importance of healing yourself first.

Chameleon in the Crowd

Something to wish to be

Is a Chameleon

In a crowd

Because then

No one

Tries to hurt you

 

The chameleon in a crowd

Something wishing to be

Then there may be people to the side

Or even those

Who care

 

To be a chameleon

Is to blend in

And to be normal

And then

It all could just go away

Then

Life is whole

 

If only

To be

A chameleon

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The Rope, The Brick, and The Balcony

The night is dark

And the sky is lit by the stars above

A beautiful light flashing across the sky

Millions of tiny balls of fire

Each a different color

Oh how strong the wish to become part of it is

 

The balcony reflects the universe outside

The wretched planet we are confined to

It consumes lives

And tries to deny

Space

Is better than it

 

The brick

Solid like the earth

A symbol of any planet

Able to support life

 

The rope

Long and strong

Like the string of planets

Sat on rings

Around a star

Holding life together

Or taking it apart

 

The brick

Laid upon the balcony

With the rope

Dangling down

A small loop

At the end

 

The time has come

The rope

Gnawing at the throat

Until lightning strikes

From the brewing storm

The rope breaks

The balcony burns

 

All thats left

The brick

And a hollow shell

That was once

A person

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How I feel

My thoughts are scattered

Inner dialogue is constant chatter

One day i’m at the peak of the mountain and the next, down in the valley

I try climbing out, but these trials take it out of me

No energy to resume, things go good but turn to doom and gloom

Reaching out through prayer and moral inventories

Getting connected to get disconnected has been my story

Waiting for a miracle, but i'm left feeling hysterical

Rapidly switching from confidence to fear

And every emotion in between

I wish I was normal and didn't have to go through this suffering

It's all self made, but I swear it gets worse everyday

Maybe it's temporary and this too shall pass

Maybe it wont and im stuck in the sand at the bottom of the hour glass

Smothered by depression and self pity

Feeling feelings of insecurity that won't leave me

Tomorrows a new day, so for now i'll weather the storm

 

With hopes of normalcy being restored