I could have never imagined a love like ours

I could have never imagined the feel

Of losing myself so completely in the passengers seat

Letting you take the steering wheel


I could have never imagined the heartbreak

I could have never imagined the pain

Of losing my breath when I thought of you

Couldn’t bear even saying your name


I could have never imagined talking to you again

I was determined to be self-fulfilled

I settled for half of a sunshine

Half of a heart was all I could yield


But perhaps that’s because we grow up

And our imaginations go dim

We sink to the demise of reality

Instead of ripping it apart at the hem


My imagination brought me solely here

To a world full of all my dreams

Bright with color, majestic sounds

Where dancing abounds,

And the most gorgeous flowers bloom year round


My soul has ceased to frown

When your powerful wave washes over me

I could have never imagined that I’d

Swim, not drown


For now I carry you in my heart

It’s a hell of an imagination, I agree

But you fit there perfectly

In my (imagination’s chosen) untainted memories


This life I love and the peace in my soul

May not always win the war

Reality is a fierce competitor, yet to it I shut the door

I shut my eyes and my own world begins to rise

With it, the brightest sun

My world is what I make it

And my imagination has won.

Goodbye Baby

There's so much hurt I never say
I remember it like it was yesterday
fear running through my memories
hoping things will turn out differently
it's always the same old story
nothing but another goodbye baby

Abandoned and all alone
This house isn't my home
the place we made our dreams
is now haunted by silent screams
your presence almost ghostly
whispering another goodbye baby

wading through the darkness
a destination without purpose
there's no way to out run the pain
knowing you never felt the same
I crawl back to you hoping weakly
rejected with another goodbye baby

Cigarilla Girl

You're standin' outside, one foot tappin'
Arm tucked 'neath the other,
Smoke rings curlin', up your face,
lingering in light blonde dyed hair,
just waitin' for me to scent,
as our lips meet, and our legs twine.

Mouth sweet as sin, your body . . .well, just full of win,
Your teeth, lips and tongue, a burning wet trifecta,
Making me want to take you again and again.

Yet again.

Your hair full of a scent, that doesn't really belong anywhere,
But it somehow seems to fit you right,
Lying there, between us.

Cigarillo sweetness, sweetly dark and mellow,
Brings to mind, the silken sighs, as between silken thighs,
The gates to heaven are thrust open.

(And not just any heaven mind you,
Heaven that God his own self made, for God his own self,
All other heavenly aspirations made, purgatory by example.)

You whimper and cry, as shushing you I try,
My poor slob of a roommate crying inside her head,
As her hand pumps away 'neath tousled sheets,
Your screams for God making her weep,
As her cramped fingers prove understandably ineffectual.

The steady loudening of my growls,
As on the bed I prowl, taking what is mine,
From behind, fingers flicking, 'neath your lowest hair,
Getting you just right, right there,
Other hand clenched in short, tousled hair,
Arching you back, in time with the thwack,
Thwacking, as need meets greed and with every barely concealed scream,
you cream and cream.

The smack of my hand, as soft skin hardened,
Meets the taut skin, of ass and hips arching with need,
Lovely Whip-Crack! and you whimper and grind,
Halfway out of your mind, pain and pleasure lines that blur from being so. . .

Poor roommate's fingers, cleaner than ever and steadily weakening,
Peaking, an ever more distant dream, as two rooms away,
Your screams continue on and her follicles reach new heights of exfoliation,
Her pillows bathed again, with tears of questionable orientation.

God and I are synonymous, in your vocalizations,
As on us, your fingers claw out the braille of your need,
Which with thrust and bite, hair pulled tight,
I strive to meet, and tightly hold back this flood of seed,
With will and trained muscles strained tight.

You clench me and clasp,
With the hidden muscles in which my throbbing need basks,
And my mind is filled with such a need,
That it's so hard to think,
As in you again and again, I sink.

The alpha and omega, combine inside you,
Sin made flesh,
An angel with sheared off wings,
In the arms of a sinner,
And I make you beg and beg,
Please Sir! a mantra you cry,
As from me you try,
To get the permission needed to fall,
Into the well of mindless need,
Turned indulgent satisfaction.

Permission grudgingly granted,
A growled yessss near your ear,
Hot breath sinking inside you, your eyes rolling in titillation,
The longed for allowance,
To taste the rainbow colored spectrum of your body's,
Shuddering completion.

And shudder you do, as toes clench and thighs squeeze around me,
The little whimper laugh you give, as your hips flex and grip me,
Inside convolutions, silken warmth made palpable magic,
Magic turned into a roaring noise, you and your body the center of a vast universe of need,
And mine as I take you and make you, crave me more and more.

Crying for me to fill you, the where need not be released,
As release I do, where you poo, nary an off smell once emitted,
Or a strange substance felt,
For which great relief is dealt, to a mind traumatized by such in a distant past.

You whimper and cry, soft sounds of delight making me inward ask why,
As to softly and gently extricate myself, I try,
A few more slow thrusts, because even though my nut I did bust,
Leaving the heaven's heavenly sanctuary of your body is a trial.

Inwardly I laugh and smile.

Your slow fall to the bed where you bask,
The afterglow a sweet silken mask,
Much like the sweat that sheens both our bodies,
Satisfied sighs and little moans, making me inwardly groan.

I laugh and I smile, inside all the while,
As unfortunate roommate never did come,
A knockin' or otherwise, her sad reality gleefully so in perspective.

I was one of your best, on a list fairly long for your age if not that long at all,
And you could have been one of mine,
But you had to let your mind f*** with your head,
Thinking you were in love with me, shouldn't have driven you from my bed,
Or the arms, of a guy that valued you and still does, as more than a lay,
Even though that's how you often made him feel.

Your head is a mess, your heart a mass of confusion,
And your time spent thus far, lacking for deep introspection,
Though it's a road you seem to be taking, if taking too late.

Maturity above most your age,
Yet still a child in so many ways,
It was unpleasant, our parting,
Freedom for you break, the granting of, the severing of,
Maybe my mistake.

But being terrified of me, after the words you spoke,
a secret revealed,
As we lie in bed twining,
Your mistake and one you did nothing to rectify nor explain,
Not having the words your last refrain.

It seems a shame, our story seemingly finished,
Before many words were even set to page.

I hadn't expected, the white-picket-fence-happy-ending,
I knew you were no where near that place,
Inside the tumult of your own chaos,
But I did hope for, the time to see,
What our story could be, because I know you began to believe in happiness once more,
But you chose to run, hands over ears as you repeated nananananaana over and over again,
Afraid of that which you want but refuse to believe in.

Your hypocritical irony, a sad story you narrate anew, every day.

So I'll miss you in my bed.

I'll miss you curled around me in sleep, head burrowed into my back,
As I reach back, clasping your firm ass and pulling you to me tighter.

I just wish you'd dealt with me like an adult, shared the respect I always had for you.

But you've helped me realize a mistake it seems I am doomed to make,
The definition of insanity, as again and again I try, hoping always for a new result,
My flaw starts in seeing someone's potential, and ends in the need to help it grow,
With shared heart and nurturing hands, shrewd mind spent investigating the needs that bloom,
Behind shy eyes and eager flesh.

While my own become forgotten things, withering away in their corner,
As at the altar of your whim I pray.

Often satisfied with airborne saliva fueled benedictions.

The 8 hr tattoo I'll be getting, a final symbol and recognition,
Not of you, no, but of what you represent,
And those like you, that wander into my life time and again.

I'll bleed you out, under that needle gun,
And place an image of beauty over what you didn't even bother to miss,
Let alone acknowledge.

Heart beating in time, to the buzzing drone of ink covered catharsis,
As in my skin, remembrance will ever be carved,
A beauty that will never be wasted,
Never be spent,
Upon another disappointment in a life of one after another.

I'll bleed you out, as over my heart forms, gilded protection,
Affection in the detail, this picture so much more than a thousand words,
And I'll smile, all the while, because you will never get to see.
Just what it is, your careless nonchalance finally helped form for me.

Your absence simply makes room for someone worthwhile,
And in a few years, you'll look back and regret your sad apathy.

I know, for I was once a silly child, too.

And you never ever really forget, being a silly child, and what as silly children we do.

No, you never ever, really do.

May you fly again, my Cigarillo Girl,
On the wings you will obtain, if you ever deal with your personal shame,
And your fears of beauty inside or out,
Your stupid denial of happiness ever manifesting.

Your greatest enemy exists in your head,
A parasite daily fed, by the lies and negativity,
in which you'd rather indulge.

I hope that one day, you'll stop being such a coward.

The words I took back, I will give you once more,
As this is farewell, and I don't plan to see you again,
Because as much adult as there is, you still play the child,
My disappointment is. . . .more than mild.

Be well, enjoy the rest the new semester.

Feel free to leave my book in the mailbox.

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Giving Away Your Heart

Starting right now I'm living the present
Not looking back at the crushing
And pulling of what kept me an attendant
Of the unneeded blushing

In me where I didn't need to keep that.
Living my life because I'd given myself away
To someone who would play at
What was given and displayed.

She took it and lead me on a ruse.
My whole didn't know how to feel
When she crushed and bruised
The heart I gave as a seal

A pain without control strangled me
As my core shutdown from the downpressing
Weight of being the one to be
Cheated out of what I thought was real.
I was lead to believe in something that was
Fake and broken as a glass menagerie
That was knocked down in betrayal.
A dance that made a mockery.

Finally I've put together the glass
With spiritual help from above.
I'm free of the one mass
Who throw away my love.

I'm scared to share my glass with anyone
Knowing that the same could happen
To me and I might run
Instead of picking up the broken.

Is there anyone I can trust to be careful
And honestly see what the menagerie is?
Can I be appreciated and not left
As a broken piece of unwanted glass?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

The imagery used was related to "The Glass Menagerie" play that i read over the summer. I wrote this after seeing a friend - who i would have liked to be more than a friend - making out with a guy i thought was my friend. Not a very fun experience. I kinda hate this teenage life of mine. I'll be happy to turn 18, move out and finish highschool.

12-1-03 Baby


I've been there, baby
For every kiss, for every tear, baby
For every scream and every touch, baby
And I'm still here.


You've been there, baby
For every fall, for every climb, baby
For every pain and every moan, baby
but you're not here anymore.


I didn't see you walk away
though my eyes barely strayed
I just see your fading footprints
as they lead away from me.


Did I fail you in some way
Is there some debt I didn't pay
Will you tell me, baby, please
or at least just let me be!?


Is this the end, baby?
After our pleas, after our pacts, baby?
After our blending and our prayers, baby?
Why won't you say, baby?
I feel you slipping further gone, baby
A concrete heart won't save your soul, baby


Just say it


Goodbye, baby.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is what I write when I listen to an entire Garbage album: A song that the tune of is reminiscent of Number One Crush and that I can hear Shirley Manson singing in my head. Oy.

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