transgender

Finding My Feet

Folder: 
Transgender Poems

I’m a strange combination between shallow and deep

and the paradox created simply serves to defeat

My inner sense of myself and my idea of me

And the person I’m not and the one I should be

I’m not complaining or moaning I’m just stating a fact

that I’m not sure exactly how this person should act

And who she should be coz I’m finding my feet

And I’m scared I’ll not be the best girl I can be

Because in life I’ve been told that I’m not a good soul

That theres someone inside whos so hard to control

And to let them out of their cage simply scares me to death

I don’t know who they are, or what they can do yet

And I know this is weird and I can’t explain it away

In these words that I write in the things that I say

I’m just trying to get there, where that is I don’t know

I’m not even sure of which way I should go

But I’m trying and surely you can see that of me

That I’m on the path to who I’m meant to be

I want to be good and I want a good soul

and I want to be able to know where to go

But I don’t and that scares me and I think it does for you too

Because what if the person I am doesn’t need you

And my life has been made up of people I love

And the help that I give them like I was sent from above

And the mistakes I made and the stupid things that I’ve done

Weren’t done in malice or evil they were human and dumb

And I know that but still my mind hates me to know

That deep down I’m a good person whos path wasn’t shown

And its no excuse for the bad things, the worst and the rest

But I just want to forgive me for those things I detest

And we need to learn to love ourselves inside and out

Because we’re stuck with ourself and I just wanna shout

Why the fuck are you so hard on the person you were

On the person whos shoulders you rode till they hurt

And now here you are, reborn and begun

In the life you were meant to have, your time in the sun

But you beat yourself up like you’re Lecter or Hitler

And I can’t find the words to describe the reflection

Of the body that wasn’t ever meant to be mine

But I struggle onwards and upwards and I try to be kind

Though its hard when all of these things come combined

But you don’t get it I know, unless you’d walked a mile in my shoes

 

And if you’d done that then you’d probably hate yourself too.

Wrong

I feel my skin, my crawling flesh,
A smell so sweet, a touch too soft,
A hand too meagre, a foot too delicate,
A pain deep within, a fire inside,
But hollow and empty, drained to the core.

My heart is wrenching, falling apart,
Cheekbones to bright, a jaw not square,
A voice too sharp, the sound of despair,
Being pulled in all directions, waning to die,
My bones in the wrong order, body curved not flat,
The agony on my chest, the grimace between my legs.

Not being seen right, trying to scream,
Breaking my heart, as they look away,
No attraction, not even existing,
I am one of them, as if they care,
My dominance succumbs me, but my lack of tools declare.

My need screeching, my rejection answering,
Dreaming of pressing our bodies together, mine fitting wrong,
Our hands as one, a connection denied,
A life out of touch, a soul locked away,
Being unwanted, ignored even hated,
Being born in the wrong body, being told not to live.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about being born into the wrong body.

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