I’m a strange combination between shallow and deep
and the paradox created simply serves to defeat
My inner sense of myself and my idea of me
And the person I’m not and the one I should be
I’m not complaining or moaning I’m just stating a fact
that I’m not sure exactly how this person should act
And who she should be coz I’m finding my feet
And I’m scared I’ll not be the best girl I can be
Because in life I’ve been told that I’m not a good soul
That theres someone inside whos so hard to control
And to let them out of their cage simply scares me to death
I don’t know who they are, or what they can do yet
And I know this is weird and I can’t explain it away
In these words that I write in the things that I say
I’m just trying to get there, where that is I don’t know
I’m not even sure of which way I should go
But I’m trying and surely you can see that of me
That I’m on the path to who I’m meant to be
I want to be good and I want a good soul
and I want to be able to know where to go
But I don’t and that scares me and I think it does for you too
Because what if the person I am doesn’t need you
And my life has been made up of people I love
And the help that I give them like I was sent from above
And the mistakes I made and the stupid things that I’ve done
Weren’t done in malice or evil they were human and dumb
And I know that but still my mind hates me to know
That deep down I’m a good person whos path wasn’t shown
And its no excuse for the bad things, the worst and the rest
But I just want to forgive me for those things I detest
And we need to learn to love ourselves inside and out
Because we’re stuck with ourself and I just wanna shout
Why the fuck are you so hard on the person you were
On the person whos shoulders you rode till they hurt
And now here you are, reborn and begun
In the life you were meant to have, your time in the sun
But you beat yourself up like you’re Lecter or Hitler
And I can’t find the words to describe the reflection
Of the body that wasn’t ever meant to be mine
But I struggle onwards and upwards and I try to be kind
Though its hard when all of these things come combined
But you don’t get it I know, unless you’d walked a mile in my shoes
And if you’d done that then you’d probably hate yourself too.
..............
the transition and readjustments you face today,
are but remains of what could have been yesterday,
when you fall into the pit of self-loathing and pity,
that is something different, and a whole different 'city'.
insight into self is the key to it all,
admissions of truths denied are the constant fall,
for people who are bombarded by the hunger from others,
those 'others' lack in themselves what they think they see in another.
sometimes it's something of personal nature,
and it is the bearer of that truth to decide to share,
poking and prodding a wound that is healed,
only adds to your own misery in the end... of what you feel.
11:27 AM 7/15/2013 ©
.......................
I call in the muses & the music
I call in the magic, its form in its purest
I call in the Angels & the Saints
I call out to Heavens' Pearly Gates
I hear you calling from far away
Sending me dreams thought forgotten, of yesterday
I call in the joy, I remember the pain
And suddenly I would give anything, to relive it again.
Woe begotten, still forgotten,
these precious dreams of yesterday
I feel you calling, a tug on my skin
I look in the mirror and see something within
A sparkle, a light, that gives a quick fright
Then sudden and spoken, the spell still unbroken
I see you within, calling my name.
You smile and you grin, you're always the same.
"Look UP
Look Over
Change Your Point of V
I
e
w"
So thinking a thought, I hadn't thought before,
I felt a rush & a wind, and it opened a door.
A door filled with light, hope, sound and song
I knew in my heart, this was the place I belonged.
This was my moment, my final test.
I closed my eyes tight and took a deep breath.
Thinking my thought, I had never thought before
I held it before me, as I walked through the door.
Here I am now, in this place of calm and of light,
Wondering why it took so long, to finally get it right.
Throwing worry aside, and bitterness to the winds,
Fate guides my hand now,
as new life
begins.
by Jeph Johnson
one day I decided
I was going to
surprise her
with flowers
-
so naturally
I asked:
"What kind
of flowers
do you like?"
-
she replied:
"the kind
that don't die"
-
so now I knew what kind,
but the surprise was ruined
-
the next time I saw her
she gave me
a China Doll plant
with green leaves
and no flowers
-
together we set it
by my window
-
"it doesn't need much water,
once a week, tops.
-
oh, don't do that...
you're going to drown it!
I already watered it today,
you won't need to
until
at least
next Friday.
-
oh, don't do that...
once a week, tops"
-
over time
it began to stretch
and yawn like her cat
while searching
for elusive drops of sunlight
that we figured someday
might come out
and make it thirsty
-
then she left.
citing my immaturity
-
"oh, don't do that..."
-
...and it became
my job to care for it
so I watered it some more
-
"you're going to drown it!"
-
I mean
what else am I to do
with a plant-
talk to it?
-
inspired by my new maturation
I named it "Victor"
after the dead actor
Victor Mature
who starred in
the movie China Doll
-
I am determined
to not let him die
-
I look past the clouds
and hope for daylight
to dry the puddles
-
I whisper
everyday
(sometimes
twice a day)
to Victor
to remind myself
"crying isn't always
a sign of immaturity"
-
but looking down
my teardops
spill into his soil
and his leaves
keep wilting
by Jeph Johnson
I break and enter my own living room
reducing my soul to rubble
knocking over the things I can't improve
and getting into more trouble
I tear out from the inside
the things I hold so dear to me
messy thoughts of suicide
blur what was so clear to me
I rob the rest of what remains
left stashed in my hiding place
gut my truth and no one complains
when I ransack things I can't replace
by Jeph Johnson
two years after the year you were mine
better known as 1999:
a time perhaps, I should have disregarded.
the years preceding the year you were mine
did not parallel, coincide or align
when compared with the years
after you departed...
a decline realized, our love built on lies
I never told and you thought I started...
disassembling completely a life with design;
I never knew if it was her or I
or the Architect who finally parted
and allowed the continuance of our demise...
demolishing all I had hoped to find
in one previously so tender-hearted.
two years proceeding the year you were mine
better known as 1999:
a time perhaps, I should have discarded.
by Jeph Johnson
A stranger's smile
I know him not
Expressionless I gaze
Yet my emotions
Seem more active
And travel through a maze
He looks away
And seems to grin
Content that our eyes met
I stay bewildered
At loss for words
Harboring regret
Should I have nodded
And acknowledged
My curiosity complete
Or kept quiet
Like I did
In essence, a retreat?
by Jeph Johnson
opinions of potency
no longer live
non-descriptive,
my passion dies with it
and the things that would
turn my depression around
I seem to not even recall at all
were there fair maidens
and was I a prince?
it seems in my past
I lived such as this
but my recollection
requires me to
form an opinion
I've yet to hold true
by Jeph Johnson
be yourself...
"she's got to love you
for who you are"
...but change
(look at this mess!)
change for yourself...
remember!
be yourself.
but don't be yourself
if being yourself
is someone who
won't change
for themselves.
but don't change
FOR HER
still change.
she'll love you
for who you are.
if she loves you
you won't have to change.
but unfortunately
she will not love someone
who is not willing to change
for themselves.
but you absolutely cannot
change FOR HER
for that is too much pressure
to put on her
it's not fair to her
plus you cannot be truly happy
if you change for her
despite all the happiness
you've ever known
arising from the excitement of changing
FOR HER
it still isn't true happiness
because you have changed
FOR THE WRONG REASON:
HER- - - NOT YOU