devolution

Benevolent Nebula

Lost and confused, yet daring and bold,
Silly and innocent at 14 years old,
Devoid of a mother, dreaming of a lover,
With closed mind and open heart, not a clue of where to start,
Aimless, wandering towards an abyss,
Missed four months of menses, from a prison-bound kiss.
Paralyzed, fearsome of taking account,
The cost I would pay, was a lifetime amount,
Destined, without a goodbye from a soul,
The rug pulled out from under, lost...no control,
A baby is born to a child alone,
In a frightening place, a cold hospital zone,
No one is present to hold her cold hands,
Sneers and contempt, nurses scoff and demand.
Life is preserved, but a spark inside dies,
Questions unanswered, at best she's told lies,
Darkness ensues and becomes her befriended,
Adoption is evident, this journey is ended,
But then it's unfinished, more searching to do,
A marriage, a carriage, some wine, a corkscrew,
A nose of cocaine and a fist full of weed,
To fill up and cover the pain...with godspeed

Years of self loss and a belly of rum,
It's been 10 years gone by, my Lord...this is not fun.
Cleaning it up feels as good as can be,
At 35 years old...wondering where the hell's me?
When you're sure what is missing can never be found,
Never think that your past won't come sneaking around.
So the child now 20, finally we greeted,
Surreal as it was, neither one of us were cheated,
Babies are born in the world to be free,
They belong to no one...not you, not me,
I will never forget you, nor how we did feel,
You said you felt 'whole', I say, 'finally real'.
Scattered and fragile, like menageries of glass,
Treasure life's memories, however deep the crevasse,
We can all become vicitms of loss in this world,
How we choose to accept it, savored, or hurled,
Weaves the fiber of all future bloodlines to come,
You can let go the line, or bridge the chasm.
People will be who they are, leave them be,
Some only awaken when it's too late to see,
Love is intriguing, some think it's a fad,
Some want just good things, they deny the bad,
I never regretted a moment of mine,
Good, bad, indifferent, it's been sweet and sublime,
Grateful for everythng, how could I miss?
My dark side was what guided me into my bliss.

 

 

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Author's Notes/Comments: 

Part of my road towards living my truth. This is more about adoption in the 70s than it is about me.