Self-Hatred

Eventually

You made me hate myself 
Made me think 
that I was
Not good enough
Not perfect enough 
To be your daughter 
I wanted to leave 
But you told me stories,
Made me terrified of the world so I stayed 
However things got worse 
And we both got in a fight 
And you kick me out in the middle of the night 
I felt broken and I was scared 
But I didn't let this destroy me
I found a place 
Where I felt comfortable and safe 
And I'm doing just fine
I still hate myself
But that's alright
Because one day
Your words will mean nothing to me
Just a thing of the past 
And I know that I will be able to say that
I am good enough
I am perfect enough 
And that I love myself

The Diminished Rat King

Whatever good you've cradled,

I can't be bothered to find.

You've been blind to mine at times.

 

Such ends we have enabled

speak dire of your confines:

internal irons that bind.

 

As the rat I am labeled;

I am nothing, and resign:

a scourge that burns in daylight.

 

From gutters I am fabled
to return one day to find

what ruin is left behind,

 

in the wake of your "insights".

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The Real Me Was Hungry

He'd dreamt of flaying off his bubbling surface-self,
so that the hardened truth beneath it would show bright.
But given time and enough insight - despite his thick hide,
he saw to his center, through all of the layered meat, and
was disappointed to find the same sort of ugliness
rearing to meet him, gaze against gaze:
a consciousness peering into a vaccum.

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Words Like Cake (No Good for No One)

What worth are the words of a fat, rolling ball
made out of ennui, disgracing himself,
hating himself and dreading the years
that make up a life that's full of the same.
May they be pretty - say it's the case,
made kind of ugly by slick of the grease,
the green of the tea that he still isn't drinking,
the salt of the sea that he's grown up to fear.
Why is he speaking? Heaving on screen?
Phrases made pointless, like the life that he's leading,
with poignancy lauded on the shoulders of woe
which tends to be truest; the one thing he knows.

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Self Reflections - a poem collection by CM

Me

Spider webs of deceit
A shattered mirror
Lays on the floor
Millions of reflections
Each one a copy
All of them a lie
Judgments made
By an invisible jury
The verdict comes in
Before a statement can be made
In self-defense
Can you fine me
Beneath all the artwork?
Can you fine me
Beneath all the poems?
Can you find me
Beneath all the facades?
Can you find me
At all?
You see a million reflections
In the mirror
That was shattered
In anger
Shattered with bare hands
Broken like my dreams
Broken like my body
Broken and buried
Six feet under
Only to keep things quiet
To make sure
The lies still exist
Can you find me
Beneath all the spider webs?
Can you find me
Buried underneath all the blocks?
Can you find me
Buried in this wooden box?
Can you find me
Behind the mirror?
Looking in on someone
I once knew

-

Nothing

Nothing holds for more
Than a moment
Constantly churning
The quiet noise
Walking along the shoreline
I almost forget
It’s there
I almost forget
Why
I’m here
The breaking waves lap
At my toes
I feel at peace
Centered
I can continue on
Again

-

Does it make a sound?

And sometimes we fall into ourselves
It doesn’t happen suddenly
The walls that are our defenses
Crumble inward
And sometimes silently we fall
Trapped within our own defenses
Unable to get out
And sometimes we breathe
And it hurts
For no apparent reason
Other than in our own minds
And sometimes we’re rescued
Before it happens
But sometimes we fall
Like a tree in the woods
When no one is around

-

Tainted Canvas
He greets me
With the same sly grin
I know his intentions well
Letting him play
The game
He thinks he knows
Letting him assume
Letting him believe
That he is the only
(he is for the moment)
My conscious tugs at me
Wanting me to tell
The ugliness that is my truth
Beneath the beautiful lies
I know it would hurt him
To know
I know it would kill him
Inside
So I let him believe
I let him run
With my beautiful lies

-

Jumbled Thoughts

Just breath
Feel the sand between your toes
Breathe in the air
Watch the sunrise/set
Watch the cars drive by
This is not the last
But watch as if it were
Soon it will be the last
The ocean will no longer crash
In the distance
Instead the peacefulness
Will be replaced by
Cars packed onto streets
Like sardines
The quietness comes
Driving down the canopied roads
That are quietly disappearing
As the bull dozers make room
For the next housing project
I will miss the sunrise/set
On the gulf
I will miss the sand
Between my toes
Trading my sandals, shorts and shirt
For something else entirely
Just breathe for now
It’ll seems too overwhelming
Otherwise

-

Cat-like State

Attitude
Yes I’m giving it
Because what’s what I’m getting
If you don’t want it
Then go away

-

Clam

You withdraw
So violently
You’re like a claim
When things
Aren’t going your way
When sand rubs
Against your shell
You collapse
Into your own
Little world
It’s a shame
You don’t open up
And let the
Sand in
You could possibly
Make a pearl
Something beautiful
Coming from you
Heaven forbid
You’ld let
Anything
In

-

Reminders

You will never
Be like the others
Pretty and well-liked
Your scars
Will never
Fully heal
They run too deep
And everyone can see
You’re only fooling
Yourself

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was the hardest collection to put together because not only is it more personal than the rest of the poems, but there was a lot to go through. There are a few poems raw with emotions and others more peaceful, but I wanted them together to create the different sides of me, sometimes angry, sometimes peaceful and other times reflective. Comments are welcome as always.

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