Aliens

A friendly face is always one to remember, and I remember his the most. 

 

When we were kids we played together, in highschool we were inseperable. Then in college he became my husband, till death do us part... Thats what we always said. But what we didnt expect was the arguments, two years into marriage and we were both done. We tried to stay together, it was just to hard. After many arguments we decided one last try, one last 'honeymoon' vacation. 

 

"Lets go to Mount Fuji he says, It'll be fun he said." Beth punched a wall as she angrily muttered mean words about her husband.

Jamie rolled his eyes at his wife, knowing exactly what she was saying about him. Beth took a look at her knuckles with the light on her head, they were bleeding.

She quickly wrapped her bandana around them to stop the blood, "How are we going to get out of here?" She asked.

Jamie looked around the hole they fell into, it was dark, cold, and wet.

They had attempted to climb Mount Fuji on their own, it hadn't worked out so far.

" I don't know Beth, but it looks like there might be something over there." He pointed his light towards something in the distance.

"What is it?" Beth walked towards him, she squinted, it looked like it was almost glowing.

Jamie went to the wall that held the odd glowing object, Beth followed.

It was a gem, a blue glowing gem with small white specs in it. "What do you suppose that is?" Jamie said while poking it.

"Jamie." Beth Squealed "Don't touch it, what if its alien?" Jamie snickered, "Honey I don't think aliens exist." Beth rolled her eyes and smiled. "Haven't you seen the X-Files Jamie? The truth is out there." They both laughed, the most real laugh they've had in many months. 

 

Jamie and Beth Sighed, Jamie still having his hand on the gem, touched Beth's hand. Then all of a sudden the room lit up, there were many colors, dancing and swirling. Beth closed her eyes, she was afraid, she felt Jamie embrace her. The light stopped, she looked up to see Jamie's eyes very wide. She looked around her, she was in her living room. She ran to the window, and saw everything just as it was when they left home. She turned to her husband, "Alien." 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I'm not too sure about this story... Really need some feedback on it!

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AziVsH's picture

Love it!

It needs some work but this a great start. I really like it. It reminds me of that new horror movie The Forest and the stone part reminds of this book I love, Swansong by Robert R. McCammon. It's not well know but really good:) I honestly like your story, it's a keeper. 

Lizziebooc's picture

Yeah it is a mess! Ill clean

Yeah it is a mess! Ill clean it up :)


AziVsH's picture

Definitely Not a Mess

No, that's not what I meant. It's already really good but with a little more work, I think it could be great. It seems like a rough draft of an awesome little story in the making. 

Lizziebooc's picture

Oh

Makes sense! Thanks girl :)


allets's picture

Don't Clean

Polish. A few hard adjectives or attention to transition to spaces. Liked vacation as a metaphor. Dialogue in the middle is lean,  emotionless, time for a bit of drama; a place to buff and infuse with special description or how it feels. same for the close Maybe. Did they go, was it magic? No matter, the magic works. Alien is an intriguing attractionand great title. The found gem only has color, opportunity to crescendo to ending lMissing. Time is absent necessisarily - enhances the mystique. He felt-saw-sang--she heard, inhaled, held (something that says changed or love AS light). Just rambling. Feedback. Enjoyed each word. Slight editing is always best. I write fanttasy prose. ~A~



Lady A

 

Lizziebooc's picture

Thanks!

Hey thanks so much for the feedback, I appreciate it :)