1998 - 2010

Where can I find a sanctuary on a battlefield?
Where can I find the space to breathe?
Living amongst the carbon copies,
How will I learn to be myself
And create a sanctuary?

From sand and stone?
Or ice and snow?
Whether concrete or rough like an angry sea
It's not safe to create a hiding place.

One boy is spiriling upside down,
Another is trying so hard to cry.
In this chaos I cannot find
An ocean untouched by a runaway storm,
The gated place where I was born,
A sanctuary.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written July 25, 2010

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Untitled -- 3.25.2010

Im walking down the street

just to try and think.

Not careing were I go,

as long as its not home.

I keep going straight,

and let my feet deside my fate.

My mind is so confused it doesnt know what to do.

I try not to blink my eyes filled with hate.

I try to control my tears

but they stream down my face.

Strangers walk by,wondering why,opening umbrellas, rushing inside.

I stop for a momment to look at the sky

and see dark clouds above.

I suddenly relise its been raining, and that the grounds turning to mud.

I flip my hood up and continue my walk.

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Why do I seem to condescend myself

resulting into poor misconsumption

and lack of protectng my health

paranoid and angry portray your assumption

I attempt to retreat back into my mind

empty and black no Cordial traces

Wondering why I'm so unkind

tar like memories and melting faces

A black domain unliving and drouth

leaving me thinking about my dreams

cut lyrics pierce through my mouth

when they haunt me with pressing screams

an inadequate avocate

excersizing their life

with Imaginable advocate

played by a warped fife.

counting on fingers

stepping on toes

because all that lingers

aian't all that goes.

theres too many things

to worry about

too many things

to even count

condescending rhapsody

ippeccable thoughts

can't remember all the crap you see

everything so wrought

Author's Notes/Comments: 

1600 on 27 June 2009

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Broken Heart, Faded Paint

Im bleeding and crying

My sanity, subsiding

I think I'm dying

God, I think I'm dying

I've sharpened my nails, clawed my eyes away

But the memory of you has decided to stay.

Its like my life has been molded out of clay.

But the paint is starting to fade.

I'm hurting so bad

But its become the new fad.

Pain is the new good, and happiness is just sad.

So I guess GOOD times are what we've always had.

At least, thats what I'm telling myself.

You see, you're still you, but I don't think I'm me.

I'm arguing in my mind, and it refuses to cease.

I'm hating myself to a brand new degree.

Suicidal thoughts, farther than the eye could perceive.

My outside is cracking, but my inside is dead.

The only part that still works is the shit in my head.

My mouth is dry, and my veins full of led

I would die to feel at ease in my own fucking bed.

This is just one more thing added to my plate.

I'm trying to act normal while in a psychotic state.

But look, I'm tired, and its getting late,

Tommorrow I'll be carving my name on a slate.

Hope someone remembers to toss it on my grave.

And to paint it again, because it's starting to fade.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

An old poem of mine that I've always loved.

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Damage Control

With each passing of a single day,

Another tatter forms and frays.

A question left for future time,

A chaotic frame of simple rhyme.

I dream,

I scream.

I fly,

I cry.

Broken glass cascades like waves,

Tis’ only love that fights and saves.

These memories so fragile and torn,

Fill me with searing fear and scorn.

You’re alone,


You’re worthless,


So many years of verbal lies,

So many years of fails and tries.

A demon veil that clouds my eyes,

We all hide beneath a tainted guise.

A mirror,

A knife.

A memory,

A life.

Sleep eludes from this worry’s strain,

Why can’t you feel my scorching pain?

Gears inside quiver as I start to quake,

Will this damage mend before I break?

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Sheep in the Closet

(Dedicated to Hayley G)

I found you in a closet
holding on to all that you knew
hoping that change would come;
change that was long overdue

Looking into your eyes
I witnessed my sins
mistakes of my past
coming to haunt me again

I cannot turn away
This is my chance to begin
to atone for the darkness
in me hiding deep within

Your injuries are evident
Your wounds, they run deep
The wolf has made a meal of you
my dear precious sheep

So I came to comfort you
To make the pain less severe
To replace bravery and hope
with that of affliction and fear

You freed yourself to me
conceding your oppression
and revealing what confounds
your secret depression

And as we sat and spoke
of our hurt and distress
something came out of me
that long had been surpressed

My emotions could not be conceled
as we together began to weep
Though I am a wolf myself,
like you tonight, I am a sheep.

- March 4 - 5 / 2009

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Trying to hold back the tears is the hardest thing I have ever done. Decisions like these should not be made by a teen.... These feelings are the ones I shouldn't feel.... I feel like I just ran a 60 mile marathon and can't catch my breath... and my heart is jumping out of my chest. Every song I hear is a song for you. And every thought I have... I think of you. In school, I do my best. Just for you to notice me. And at night I talk to God, asking him if we're meant to be. Although I haven't recieved an answer.... I think of what was there.... and wonder why I was stupid to push you away... when I know I really care. I wonder why I can't hate you, and I wonder what you think of me. I wonder if life goes on, but without you, there is no me.....I'm still holding on to what there was and I'm not letting go just because. So dont think these tears can be dried up with words... my heart has been broken and all those words... i've heard. I'm still hiding so much... and you'll never understand....I'll never understand why I let you walk away... or why God gave me a second chance... why I'm standing here today... So I live my day as the normal teenage girl.. hiding the secrets of yesterday.. hiding them from who is "my world."

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The Symphony of Drama

Literary Passages

The Symphony of Drama

“Why does this plague me so? Where writers block is free to go

Teasing me with samples, beautiful words and chaotic souls

Dizzy but was never spun, Ladies and Gentlemen a whole new ride just begun

Don't forget to smile to the very end, after all life is just a ride my friend”

Sleep does not come easy, like a stranger in the night the uncomfortable atmosphere. My body is tired, as is my mind yet the thoughts are not. Spinning and twisting like a laser light show on acid. Knowing there are things you must accomplish, I shake them off when I could put the extra effort in staying awake, or sleeping less when I do crash. I can often see how easy it could be for someone to snap and lose all control of their thoughts and feelings. Even now, tempted by the whispers and images within my own mind to just let go. I find the temptation alluring yet risky so I maintain a tight grasp on them. In my dreams I have anything I could ever want, yet when I am awake and back to digging for change where my goals seem to just be out of reach every time. I often question if my insomnia is not some kind of warning sign to an even bigger problem. For the last couple of months I've felt as though I've lost my balance, wandering blindly through a maze.

“Our imaginations are so powerful and our minds so strong

They can manifest a chemical induced influence, Demons like glass

can appear in your life without warning, our whole perception

of life can change for the better or for the worst.

Depression is as much as a disease as small pox and the black death.

A dysfunctional mind is a destructive mind

Where frail and fragile can be a work of art,

a muse of colors or sounds can give birth to artistic

talents never before seen within the mind of the sound Person

Poison like blood can slowly pump through your entire system

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Just for a Moment

All I need is a moment

Oh dear God please, just one

Just one moment of crisp thoughts,

Clear blue skies, freshly painted walls,

No passers by, just silence

All I need is a moment

Just one moment without hearing my child’s cries

Without the screeching of brakes and

Roaring motorcycles nearby

No ringing cell phones, loud voices, or violent outbursts

Of a dangerous guy

No screaming fear inside

Just one moment of peace

Just one moment without life

All I need is a moment

Oh dear God please, just one

Just one moment without irrational arguments and

Pleading desperation and convincing him of why

Why the control leads to destruction

And that will not fly, and why anger, revenge, and

Heartless threats only hurt and drowned beauty,

Build up resentment inside

All I need is a moment

Just one moment of rest

Smelling the flowers, tasting the chocolates

Watching a funny show, just plain rest

Just a moment of quiet, lifeless, rest

Pure relaxation, deep breaths, tranquility, rest

Living without rest, rest with no life

It would almost be worth it to give in, don’t have it in me to fight

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