laughing

I Dont Want To Be Me

 

I can’t keep myself from the blame game. Keep hearing everyone whispering my name. The noise is louder than my screams. Trying to reach you, please. Here I am naked and barely breathing. Can you just try to see me?? 

 

So hard to stay away from the negative. And I’ve ran out of pieces of me I can give. People saying that I need to live. For my kids. For my husband. You don’t get how hard it’s been. To pick myself up and smile again. 

 

Someone is whispering, “She’s a whore”. Could that be him knocking at my door? I am more broken than I’ve ever been before. I just can’t take anymore. Don’t pretend that you need me when you only want more. 

 

The darkness wraps around me. His hands are on my body. But I can’t see anything. Something in me screaming. Let me out of here I’m bleeding. Everyone around me glaring, laughing, cuz I deserve this, I was asking. 

 

Please, if no one can see me why am I here??? I’m running out of reasons to care. 

If I am what you say then why should I stay? Can I make it another day? 

Looking at my reflection. All I see are imperfections. 

 

No I don’t want to be me. 

I don’t want to be me. 

His hands are on my body. 

I don’t want to see. 

Please just leave me be. 

 

I don’t want to be me. 

Just close the door. 

Leave like everyone else before. 

I don’t want to be me. 

 

Anymore.

Spells

I can see the child in her,

I can see swingsets where,

Tiny feet dangle,

The cold air nipping at her legs,

She turns puddles playful,

As she splish splashes them all over the sidewalk,

Her rainboots comets,

Smacking down those tiny oceans,

Spilling sea shells into my hand,

She smiles sweet like candy canes,

She laughs lovely like lavender,

Without her a walk is just a walk,

I don't see the cinnamon square streets,

Or the gingerbread houses,

The dandelions don't smile back,

The trampolines and diving boards,

Are just mattresses left out for trash,

I've checked between the couch cushions,

Under the carpet which surely takes flight,

No fairy dust.

No propeller.

Just her,

Those story- telling eyes,

Whichever potion she applied to her neck,

It's always her,

And whatever magic she was born with,

The magic I felt when we first met,

Beating those drums in my chest,

Singing me smitten the first night,

She is a symphony,

 Ringing in my ears,

She is a dance party,

blistering my feet,

She's a magician,

I don't go a day without her spell,