# grief # grieving # love # loss # pain # recovery

Five stages


grief looks different on everyone. some internalize while others lash out, hemorrhaging emotion at anyone who gets too close. mostly, I figure, it comes in waves. one minute you’re going about your day like usual and there’s nothing that remarkable about it that makes it worth rememberance. wake up, go to work, say and do whatever you’re supposed to and it seems like it’s all the same.

then realization sets in: everything’s changed — they’re dead. the thought itself feels wrong and you’re nearly sick with the pain of it. there’s a hole in your heart where they should be and you forget for a moment why they’re not. you try to wrap your head around it but it’s too big and it doesn’t quite fit. an itch beneath the skin. then comes the anger: you’re mad at them for leaving you and maybe you didn’t get to say goodbye. did you tell yourself you’d do it tomorrow? there’s never enough time.

guilt settles in next: the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. replaying every conversation (or worse the arguments) you had while wishing you could do it all over again. maybe take back something you said but didn’t mean. that leads to bargaining: the infamous ‘if only’s’. you can torture yourself a thousand different ways imagining all the scenarios that might have happened instead.

by then you’re probably in tears and they seem so inadequate when it comes to expressing how you feel. you want to scream and rage until what’s built up inside you has gone. breathing’s never been this hard. that’s when you have to remind yourself to keep doing it. breathe through the agony, count each one if you can. it gets easier the more you do it: one breath, then two, three and four. try to make it to ten then congratulate yourself on your victory - you earned it. even though they’re not here anymore, you still are and that means something.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

r.i.p. to my brother, his wife, their unborn child Hawk & my niece Melody.


I miss you every day

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Thinking about you today

more poems

I am sitting here

on the couch

Thinking about you today 

I am just sitting

here on the couch

and think about you

and the memories

that we share together 

then I start to cry

tears roll down my face

I think about you everyday and

miss you so very much

 I just can not believe you

are in heaven you are gone but

not forgotten you and our

memories will always

be in my heart 

I know we are never

apart and you are 

still here in spirit but

I can not see you

or hear your voice but you

see me and hear 

my voice because every time

 I laugh you can hear 

me laughing and when

I cry you can hear me cry

and you also can see me crying

and try to tell me you

are still here in spirit and that

you still love me and 

you know when I cry you

know I miss you my love

© Amanda Kay Hill


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poems 1

It is almost christmas time

I look up at the sky 

Wishing you where here 

With me but you are spending 



In heaven it is your first


I just sit and think 

about if you where still here

what we will do if you 

where still here we will

go look at the christmas lights

together and you will come 

over to my house for christmas dinner

 I know you are still here in spirit 

But I miss you everday and just

Wish god give us more time together

But it has to be it way I just do not 

understand why it has to be it way

But I know god have plans for me

I might not understand rigth now 

But I will understand when the time 

Is rigth but rigth now I just have to have 

Faith in ours saver lord 

so merry christmas and hope 

You have a wonderfull first


In heaven I love you so

much and I know we will be 

Together aging someday and

Thank you for watching over me 

© Amanda Kay Hill







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Missing you

poems 1

Babe the day you left

I was so sad can't eat
My food or drink my coke

I just want to go sit
in the darkness
and cry for hours

The day you left I
Was so sad can't eat my
food or drink my coke
I  just want to go sit
in the 
and cry for hours
then I feel you touch 
Me and say don't be
sad I had a good 
life and I am glad 
to had live it so don't
be sad be happy and
go follow your dreams
and touch has many life's
you can so when you journey
is done on earth come home with me
I have so much to show you
but it can wait so go live your
journey and don't forget I am
always with you and watching
over you my love so get up out
of the darkness and live life to
the fullness and when you are
outside  I am with you enjoying
the nice weather and the nurture
with you my love and I am having
fun in heaven with my dog and your
dogs I meet you grandpa and
grandparent  and your two uncles
and aunt and cousins and they
are doing good and I am doing good I 
meet Paul Walker we laugh because 
we have the some last name lol so 
don't worry my love we will be 
together again my love 

© Amanda Kay Hill

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Im smoking Pall Mall's like he did

I feel the wind brush my ear

I sit here in perfect silence wondering how I got here

How it came to this

I loved him, I loved him like I love the earth

He was not just "paw paw" 

He was everything. 

He was the moon, the stars, the sky

He was Christmas morning

A long kiss with your lover

But he was also a kiss goodbye