insecurity

Ruined Hopes

Do you hate me now?
I guess you have a right to.
Are you bewildered by me?
Or just too down to respond?

I know you're going through a lot.
Don't you know how much I wish
I could ease your burden?
Don't you know how my heart is breaking
Knowing I can do nothing?

If only I actually meant something,
meant something to you...
Perhaps I could make a difference...
cheer you up, or comfort you.

But I am nothing,
like a curious fish that once
caught your attention...
You have forgotten me.

So now my heart breaks,
and night after night,
I long to see you,
to talk to you.

Will this pain ever end?
I wish you would talk to me one last time.
Be honest, be harsh, just please, please respond.
If you yell at me, at least I know you are okay.
Maybe I could apologize, if you let me.

Otherwise, I fade away.
A small fish in a huge sea,
drowning in my sorrows,
gasping to breathe,
trying to survive...

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Being Myself

Leaves me frigid and shaking,
Honesty’s got me quaking.
Letting it be known,
Cost me the throne.

A stranger’s eye,
That passes by.
Stings me in fear,
Drip a single tear.

Scared of your mind,
Abusive thoughts to find.
Give me a view,
At thoughts, brand new.

This is the price,
Social sacrifice.
Is it that hard to see?
That I’m just being me!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Insecurities are one of the worst things a person can suffer, because they follow us around and they always niggle at our minds telling us things we'd rather not hear.

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(Insecurity & Introversion)

I am intricate but small
Weak in all my detail
In the big leagues I am bound to fail
Because I wear my heart on my sleeve
That way nobody believes in me
(Myself included)

I know I’m not cut out for it
to sacrifice my happiness
My fragile mind will break to pieces
If I were to commit
And reach the goals I have created –
Well, they’re only trophies to polish

And this comparison surely will be the death of me
Forever contorting my endeavors into a unit of measure
All my ownership stripped away
In a game I’ll never win but continue to play
It’s empty motivation
But it’s the only kind I can seem to find.

(And I know it’s going to eat me alive.)

Rather to embrace my own essence
A solitary preference
Even though the world praises breadth
My own journey pursuing depth

A goal of moving away from the extreme of spectrum
A balance between self-expression and introspection

Lastly a re-connection with that omnipotent deity
Then maybe I can find the better life promised to me

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At Sea

Folder: 
2006

I’m lost at sea,

And I begin to drown.

Surrounded by the things,

That weigh me down.

I reach for you,

Just to feel your warm skin.

I hold you so close,

So I can feel you touch me again.

But then I push,

So hard, too far away.

And I sink a little deeper,

Because I hurt you today.

Now I wonder,

Will you come to rescue me?

Or leave me to drown,

In a sea of insecurity.

 

~Chrystal

Written on

April  15, 2006

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was written to Paul. Yes, he was a boater, even had his own boat, when we met.

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Friends?

 

On the corner of a street

Where I like to meet

The possibilities are endless

Because my friends there are friendless

And you know if you’ve got the money

That they’ve got the time

And they even got these bags

That will totally get you high

I love friends. Don’t you love friends?

Through Rough times, through tough times

They will be there till the end

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