Escapism

I CANNOT SEEM TO GET THIS LAST POEM WRITTEN

I can’t seem to get this last poem written.

I can’t finish this moment of destiny.

I thought I could finish it without crying big, lonesome tears, but it didn’t happen that way.



I can’t get the last poem written without seeing myself taking a brief hiatus from my marriage for this moment of time that I need to share but cannot because my hands are tied to my back and my tears don't matter anymore.



I can’t get this last poem written because life has to be a certain way.

I’m being asked to give up my dream, put it on hold like I have for everything else in my life.



I can’t get this last poem written because I have fought so hard not to be like my predecessor and yet in the eyes of some I am just like her.



I can’t get this last poem written because my heart aches and no matter how long I try and explain how important this is to me, it isn’t important at all.



I can’t get this last poem written because like every time before I am like my mother and am prone to putting everything else before this extraordinary occasion.



I can’t get this last poem written because my destiny is no longer my own.

My personal life’s dreams and goals are no longer part of the priority; it’s just not something most would or could really understand.



I can’t get this last poem written because in my mind I’m already slicing my wrists and dying the death I’ve felt for months now.



I can’t get this last poem written because as I have said before I have a lost identity and I am no longer myself.



I can’t get this last poem written because in the time it takes for me to write, there is time that I could be taking my meds and just terminating my life functions.



I can’t get this last poem written because just by my working on it seems selfish although it means something to me; they are more than just words on a page.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

the last poem for my book.  it took a lot out of me.

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SILENT DESIRE

Touch me, please, touch me.

I need to feel loved.

I miss being one.

Yet I never say the words of my silent desire.



My longing to moan, scream, move.

Quieted, hidden away in my silent desire.

How do I respond to the brassiness of?

“Are you saying I’m not taking care of your needs?”



I’ve always been taught that if you do something in your mind, it’s already done in your heart. If that is true then I’ve walked in infidelity.



I’ve watched educational films, touched myself,

thought of someone else, and held deep not sharing.



Silent Desire.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just stuff I can't say aloud going to my life's tapestry.

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CRAWL INTO A DREAM

Sometimes life can be so boring,



The same thing day after day,



I'd like to crawl into a dream



And silently drift away.





Sometimes life can be so hectic,



With all the running to and fro,



I'd like to crawl into a dream



And see where it would go.





Sometimes life can be so hurtful,



Filled with great sorrow and pain,



I'd like to crawl into a dream



And there forever remain.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written October 21, 2003

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Run

Folder: 
2004

I want to run as fast as I can

never look back to where I am

I want to run until I can't breathe

leave all of the pain behind me

I want to let it all out as I run

I want to be alone, I wanna be the only one

I want to use all of my energy to go fast

I want the feeling I feel as I run to last



if I run fast enough will I be able to escape

if I try hard enough to fly will I get a cape

I want to run from everything, leave it all behind

I want to go to every single hiding place I can find

I want to run until I collapse and struggle for breath

I want to run until I have to come face to face with death

I want to put all of my focus on running faster and faster

I want to face all of my problems, all of my inner disaster



I want to be able to look my problems in the eyes

and watch as each one, one by one slowly dies

I want to feel the breeze sweep across my hair

the monsters and me are the only ones there

and this time I won't run from them, I will not be afraid

this time all of the fear I have always had will finally fade

faster and faster I will run out of my body into my head

and I will come to life and will not let them knock me dead



I want to run, run as fast as I can, run away

I want to make my lungs fight to let me breathe today

I want to run from the pain that I am feeling inside

I want to run away from every single tear I have cried

the tears never washed away the pain, so I am running now

I will make it end though I don't know why and exactly how

I just want it to be over, I want this to be the end and I want it to be done

I want to fly away from it, I want to swim to shore, I want to run

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Restrained

 

Free from these chains

these chains that restrained

my thirst for adventure

pulling the reins

 

pulling closer tugging tighter

twisting turning tossing anger

fighting harder

breaking the steel

freeing my soul from a lifeless shell

 

free from the hell

that held me back

that held me forever

and holding me closer

 

wrapped with the chains

those god damned chains

the ones that protected me

and kept me from pains

from the pains that were felt

held back by the belt

 

the help of the belt

and the restrain of the chain

it was the help of my enemies

that kept me sane

 

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...An Island

My disguise is old flaking skin cells, really

                 and yeah,

                       i mean the metaphorical variety

each a past phase drilled dry but still waving a dusty banner and i am an automaton - whom you and your dull stoned weapons can't crack to reveal the naked boy helpless inside

    but i'll change my shape, motherfucker

                like a cloud, mother father grounded can't penetrate the crystal glass cities within

                     within

is a universe i could never do without

  where the nights are hot and the remarks

are scathing like sit-coms to the open heart

so that it quickly learns to turn hard and stay hard

  but not brittle like broken bones

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I am...

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Dreams

Dreams...

escape my mind

while sleeping

thoughts blank

non-existent

like me, like my life

not the life I want to live

fantasies of

happy people, happy thoughts

happy me

are distant, gone

in a never-ending fog

above the sea

of life

wanting to laugh, but only

having the ability to cry

wanting to hold someone

other than myself at night

never happening

like life, like my life

being in a world

without prejudice

loving regardless

never in this life

never having the opputunity

to be me

in my world

in my life

in my life of tormenting

pain

unrelenting pain

and yet

people say dream...

dreaming's not for me

wishing

nor believing

until I see

dreams coming true

in life

in my life

praying

hoping

maybe

but dreams

escape my mind

while I sleep

it escapes me

like life

like my life




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Motivation Is Only A Pill Away

A rush of motivation

          Surges

                Through my veins

                        And arteries



> MY BRAIN <




The heart squeezes relentless

        Armies of bimolecular

               Engineering



- Thousands of years of accumulated

technological and medical research –




                        To force a smile

                        Upon my jaded lips



Like a good Simpsons episode

Microscopically shrunk

                And condensed into a small pill

        Released into the nervous system

        Hundreds and thousands of

                        Tiny ships

        All scattered, drifting through me

                On a personal ‘incredible journey’



But I’m not the president

        And the fate of the world

Author's Notes/Comments: 

An excerpt from "The Southland Diaries (day 2)", written with the intention of posting it for the 'topic of the week' at creative-poems.com, which was 'motivation' that week, only I got expelled that same night. Oh well, PostPoems members get the 'exclusive' world premiere! :op

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Today's that day..

Today's that day

a day like no other

Am I going to be happy?

Am I going to be sad?

Only time will tell..

Don't wanna go through hell..



I want to be happy

I want to be gleeful



Can you do this?

Can you help me?



I don't know what to do



I'm at a loss for words



I sit here typing..

though what am I saying?



I want to smile

no more tears

I need to wipe away

all of my fears



Things will get better

I keep telling myself



I know this is right

I'll stop putting up this fight



I'm gonna let go

I'm going to lose



Stop making me fright

I told you it's right



These voices are gone..



Time to move on..

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