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Why do I just want to bleed right now?

I hate needles

I hate the feeling

Of being sliced open

By a blade

I have vivid nightmares of it

And it scares me to hell

And yet

I just want to bleed

To see it all

Spill out

Over my skin

Down my arm

Over my clothes

Onto the carpet

Staining it an ugly shade of red

Then brown

When I've passed out

From the lack of blood

Or the shock of seeing what I've done

Before waking up

After a dream

Where God tells me he hates me

And he'll never take me up to heaven

With him

Because I'll never be good enough for him

I've sinned too much

To ever be worthy

And that makes me hate myself even more

So I bleed some more

And I pass out again

And dream of God

Denying me his love again

But instead of being Alanis Morrisette

This time it's you

Your face there

Looking down at me

Telling me I'm not good enough

For you

And it hurts me

So I break down and cry

The tears tasting sweeter than the blood

Yet both being bitter

I drink them both

In an attempt

To feel as bad as I can

Because that's all I really want right now

Is to hurt

Not feel better

Not be happy

Not have all this shit

Just go away

None of that matters at this moment

Just the pain

Embracing the pain

Running to it

Faster, and faster, and faster, and faster

Until I pass out from running to fast

Too hard

Or maybe that's just the lack of blood

Once again.



July 5, 2002