Messing with Limericks

The was a wise man of Seattle

Who wrote in fine verse for his cattle

But what he couldn’t see

In the land of the free

Was that cattle prefer tittle-tattle

There was an old man from Des Moines

Whose nostrils were stuffed full of coins

When he went to sneeze

He shot dimes through his knees

But we noted no change in his loins

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Pretty Boy (song) (re-mix)

Obsessed by yourself and love no one around

Hate covered up my the lonely sound

Your not perfect

Not even close

You'll never love never love

Pretty Boy, Pretty Boy

You'll never love never love

So take a number

Look into your mirror

Fix every imperfection

But your not perfect….infact

Far from it

You'll never love never love

Pretty Boy, Pretty Boy

You'll never love no one else…

So get used to it

Loved only by yourself

No one loves a pretty boy

Son't think your perfect

Because your not

You'll never love never love

Pretty Boy, Pretty Boy

You'll never love never love

So take a number

No one will love you

No can will love you

no wants to love a…..

Pretty boy…(pretty boy)

Author's Notes/Comments: 

~no comment~

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Limericks 6


Right now, quite apart from the droops,

I'm fit to jump clear through some hoops

Well maybe just one

Then I would be done

And then have to call out the troops.

If one's dear wife is a queen

Then hubby's a king, it would seem

When he's grumpy and frownin'

The wife could then crown him

Without seeming overly mean.

I'm limp as a rag in the wind

My energy's quite underpinned

my muse, once a guest,

Has travelled out west

I feel I've been gutted and skinned.

Photos are wonderful things

Such joy that the memory brings

They have quite a pull

When albums are full

Of seasons from Autumns to Springs.

As you see I have not yet demised

I've resurfaced though reduced in size

I've shrunk quite a bit

So my clothes do not fit

My wardrobe I need to revise.

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Limericks 5


A little old man we'll call Willie

Had a haircut that looked very silly

Striped red and brown

With some tufts hanging down

And a topknot bedecked with a lily.

In France the fine gendames fight crime

this force full of men in their prime

It's no use to bluff

When in a handcuff

You're sent off to jail to do time.

A duck swimming out on a lake

Was eyeing a right handsome drake

When the sun beamed

His feathers just gleamed

So she swam all the day in his wake.

A thesaurus has words that are new

From that source I've learned quite a few

When I am writing

And ideas are not biting

I leaf through to get a fresh view.

Taking my cat to the vet

A shrill serenade I would get

She hated her cage

Would get in a rage

Like an off-key violin quartet

Shop-till-you--drop is no fun

I'd rather shop briefly and run

For when you have finished

Your cash has diminished

And you are exhausted and done.

An artist puts on a display

Of paintings in colours of grey

Most visitors scoff

Give him the brush-off

So he hid all his paintings away.

A plumber was mending a pipe

A hard to get underneath type

He wished he could shirk

This muddy type work

But pipe dreams are nothing but hype.

When rain tumbles down in July

The clouds have a really good cry

Their tears fall so hard

Out there in the yard

There is not a thing that's left dry.

Three mice in a pantry one week

For some tasty morsels did seek

They heard a cat coming

Which sent them all running

Whew! That was sure one narrow squeak.

A train driver was hauled up in court

For not doing things that he ought

Going right off the rail

Was sent off to jail

His wheeling and dealing cut short.

When riding a bike down a hill

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Limericks 4


A pansy stood out in the breeze

It wished it grew under the trees

But it sadly had grown

Out there on its own

So it could do nothing but freeze.

Marmalade's great on my toast

But unsuitable spread on a roast

Everything has its place

Must accept it with grace

And each has no reason to boast.

A star twinkled down from the sky

And lit up a gleam in my eye

Round like a balloon

Full face of the moon

Peeked out from a cloud passing by.

A lion and a tiger once met

Knowing one  soon would  regret

For this stranger's meeting

Would be wild and fleeting

In the form of Russian roulette.

Eerie refrains have a charm

As long as attached to no harm

But if with a story

Of theme somewhat hoary

They shatter my feelings of calm.

The sunset at night was quite glorious

The sun could retire quite victorious

The moon on arising

It's fullness was prizing

Of sun it was feeling censorious.

A shoe fell in love with a sock

Their mates were suffering a shock

They thought it disgraceful

To be so unfaithful

Watching the two interlock.

I hate sitting down on the flooor

My back now can take it no more

I now really ought

To give it support

Or I wind up grumpy and sore.

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Limericks 3


I envy the bird with a wing

No wonder the creature does sing

Up, up in the sky

High, high it does fly

From there it can view everything.

My dreams are so clear and delight

I dream vivid dreams every night

New houses I claim

But they're not the same

Have rooms that are hidden from sight.

A papoose is a bundle of joy

No matter if a girl or a boy

And such is the goal

Of a girl with her doll

But this time alive, not a toy.

My earrings are long and are swingers

They jangle like very poor singers

Whene'er I go out

They are swinging about

If they had some bells they'd be ringers.

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Limericks 2


A dear little pony named Troy

Was owned by a mean, nasty boy

Who gave him a kick

Or a whack with a stick

Just as well Troy was only a toy.

Old Mother Hubbard did bake,

For her many children, a cake.

They ate it from Monday

Right though to next sunday

And gave what remained to their snake.

An ape who sat high in a tree

Was practicing philosophy

Said I evolved from man

As did all of my clan

We are higher now, as you see.

Doing some sums is a pain

For my poor old brain it's a strain

It's really a sin

For they do my head in

And I mostly must do them again.

My drapes are a beautiful green

A style that is fit for a queen

Each night I'm certain

To ring down the curtain

On darkening skies evening scene.

A stallion was racing one day

When another horse got in the way

The poor stallion stumbled

And over he tumbled

The other horse just said neigh, neigh.

A rabbit went out on the town

Wearing her best fluffy gown

Her strong urge to shop

Kept her on the hop

All day till the sun's going down.

In a bowl was some tasty veg soup

I put in my spoon for a scoop

In pain then I sung

For it scalded my tongue

And it took me a while to recoup.

A man had a very loud wife

Whose tongue was a sharp as a knife

It's hard cutting edge

Could topple a hedge

And wherever she went she caused strife.

Eggs are a mighty fine feed

A dozen or so's what I need

A nice runny yolk

Would please many folk

And it matters, not one jot, the breed.

While England is knee deep in snow

Our sun has a hot, fiery glow

If we could exchange

Just some of each range

We both could be comfy, I know.

A snake in the grass is a danger

A hidden and slithery ranger

A deep wound inflictor

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A picnic was arranged for by Sue

In a place with a terrific view

When asked who she'd take

Sue said "goodness sake!

I pick Nick because he's my love true".

Maps show us all where to go

In places we never did know

Be it road, trail or track

They direct there and back

Or follow a great river's flow.

ne stubborn and silly old sheep

Made his poor shepherd just weep

He gave it a beating

Which set sheep a-bleating

and then the poor thing fell asleep.

A barber, once shaving a client,

Who sat in the chair quiet and pliant

Gave a cry of despair

At what he found there...

A whole tribe of nits so defiant

Pizza is wonderful food

It's good to feed all of your brood

Topped high with cheese

It surely will please

With tomato on top it is good.

A pair of pears grew together

All through the best summer weather

When their skins turned yellow

They were picked by a fellow

Who ate them while sat in the heather

Fresh rosemary grew with strong heather

Both plants found delight in wild weather

In June with the snow

They were hidden below

And reappeared in the Springtime together

By lakes our fine willows are weeping

At night when the whole world is sleeping

I know it's absurd

But their cry can be heard

Across the lake surface it's creeping.

Once a girl feeling quite blue

Thought she knew just what to do

To make her feel happy

She employed a chappy

Who painted her cheeks a red hue.

A little seed started to grow

It crept to the sunlight real slow

It sighed with relief

As it unfurled a leaf

It had pushed through the soil from below

I'm trying to stay in good shape

From toes right up to my nape

while eating my dinner

I'm still getting thinner

It's starting to make people gape.

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Blue Roses

There was a Chief Rabbi named Cohen,

Who said: “it’s my lawn that needs mowing”;

But the gardener vamoo,

‘Cos the roses were blue,

And now all the money is owing.

There was a Chief Rabbi named Cohen,

Who said: “it’s my lawn that needs mowing”;

But the gardener had fled,

‘Cos the roses weren't red,

And the grass, it keeps growing and growing.

n.b. This Limerick was written as an 'answer' to the following...

There was an Archbishop named Tait,

Who dined with a friend at 8.08;

I regret to relate,

I'm unable to state,

What Tait's tête-à-tête ate at 8.08.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just a bit of nonsense for February 2008! I have posted two versions of this limerick. I will leave you to judge whether either or both are at all amusing!

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