How I Learned to be Dominant Without Someone Actively Submitting to Me

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


My old theory that I am "not a Dom unless someone is actively submitting to me" I have found to be false.


I am Dominant because I express dominant qualities and character traits and strive to be in control. This is true regardless of whether or not someone is submitting to me.


Before this realization, the statement "I will dominate/control anyone who allows me" made me feel like I was dependent on the sub "making" me or worse yet, "validating" me as a Dominant.


Now I understand that I don't need anyone submitting to me. The mere fact that I am selective in doing the domination (towards only those who agree to submit to me) means I am exercising restraint and control on myself. And that is always the goal of any Dom, to first be in control of himself before controlling others. I am dominant because I am almost always in the mindset to dominate and control.


This epiphany happened yesterday at the bar. A group of my friends were sitting around the table talking. There were some empty dinner plates on the table that were sort of in the way. Automatically I picked them up and cleared them from the table.


Seeing an action that is quite often attributed to someone in a submissive role, a kinky guy at the table said:


"So, DaddyO's being submissive now, huh?"


I thought long and hard. "No, this was not an act of submission on my part at all."


I chose to clear the plates away.


It was something I wanted


...and I delegated the clearing of the plates to the person most willing and open to the task: myself!


I trust this new way of thinking will help me appreciate people who do "short acts of submission and bottoming to me" even more.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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Dominant by Default, Done Right by Humble Determination

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


As to the labels "Dom" or "sub", I believe "Dominant" is the default. It takes a lot of very determined hard work to actively submit your will to another. It's much easier to submit with partial deeds and actions.


In our community, this "submission to the will" vs. "willingness to submit to certain things" seems to be what separates subs from slaves.


Those aspiring to be subs utilize their personal dominance by declaring the submissive role in select relationships.


Humility is all that's required of anyone to succeed in the submissive role, and that trait is innately contained in the actions of being submissive. But humility is a much more difficult task to pull off while maintaining a display of dominance, yet it is just as an important element to being a successful Dominant.


Humility is all too often seen as weakness, but I would like us to promote a paradigm shift and start seeing humility as strength.


Oddly enough, males, referred to as "the stronger sex", appear to me much more eager to display submission less selectively. Or, to use a more positive term, they express submissive qualities more freely.


I think this is because men generally don't need to say "I'm submissive...but not to just everyone", like many submissive women preemptively do.


I understand why they feel the need to do it, it is because too many men try to take advantage of them based on the patriarchal power society already has in place, even before any declaration of submission or real interpersonal encounter begins.


All men need to do is claim to be "Dominant" and ride the pony of privilege advantageously. And who can blame them? It often works. And here is where it gets tricky to not "victim blame."


Too often women who are attracted to confidence (which most women are) misread arrogance and bullying as confidence. Those things are actually traits of insecurity.


Many women allow this (oftentimes unintentional) abuse to happen. And the male libido is overwhelmingly strong, so it takes the perfect blend of humility, confidence, finesse and most of all restraint for men not to utilize their dominance in an abusive manner.


And when I say "abuse" I don't mean intentionally abusing or non-consensually hurting my partner, I mean abuse of the power my male privilege already bestows upon me.


Because it is so difficult, I choose to call myself a "Daddy" and not a "Daddy Dom." This doesn't negate the fact that I am voraciously dominant, instead it emphasizes (to me) my need for practicing humble restraint.


Which my gender insists I do to the end of my days.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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There is Indeed One True Definition for Submissive

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


When you utter "one twue way" when mocking people's definition of submission, you are crusading for ambiguity surrounding its definition and this may not have the desired effects you hope.


"One twue way" basically says: "There is no true way to submit!"




Let us look at the dictionary definition:

sub·mit [səbˈmit] verb

Accept or yield to the authority or will of another person.


sub·mis·sion [səbˈmiSHən] noun

The action or fact of accepting or yielding to the will or authority of another person.


What we really should be mocking:

I am not saying that the countless ways dominance and submission are carried out and displayed should be rigidly defined. The specifics to what requests are to be obeyed, the nuances regarding discipline, what roles the one in the submissive role agrees to fill and exactly what the one in the dominant role may control are as endless as there are individual people.


Therefore it becomes asinine to label any D/s relationship the "one true way."


Let me make this clear, I am only saying it is unwise to mock the definition of what submission is.


There is only one true way a person can submit: By accepting or yielding to another person's authority and/or will; essentially by doing what they've been instructed to do.


The particular desires and commands of the person in the dominant role being fulfilled and obeyed are what constitutes whether or not it is submission. No one is blindly implying these desires are kind, fair, compassionate or even practical. They may not even be possible! But that doesn't change the definition of submission. It simply exposes whether or not the person in the dominant role is a selfish prick.


If the requirements of the one in the dominant role are too demanding, triggering, strenuous, traumatizing or unfair, the one hoping to submit SHOULD NOT DO IT! It's not a fit.


But having an asshole Dom or relationships not being a fit doesn't change what the definition of submission is. But it certainly should influence a person's decision regarding submission.


Why it is important to have a clear definition


In BDSM, since we are conceptualizing a relationship based on "D/s" it is important that we have a very clear definition as to what we're referencing by the letters "D" and "s."


I consider it a disservice to people wanting to submit to be given vague definitions for the very thing they claim to want to do. Unless it is clearly defined, how is one to aspire to do it?


The demands of the Dom do not change the definition of the word

Choosing not to submit doesn't mean you are "wrong" or a "bad submissive." It simply means you are unwilling to submit to the requirements that particular person has set forth. Making judgments on the requirements of the one you've placed in the dominant role is essential in deciding whether or not you should submit.


Making sound judgments are also important to avoid any D/s arrangement from becoming unintentionally abusive or unknowingly non-consensual. This is why the one submitting is equipped with the ultimate power to decide on whether or not to submit.


In addition to judging the moral merits of the requests for submission, the one in the submissive role has to decide to what degree their obedience to the one in the dominant role's requests are hampering or enhancing their own pleasure, because we know that the one in the dominant role's pleasure is being fulfilled.


Because no one in the dominant role is perfect, the person wanting to submit may at times rightly choose to disobey. In these scenarios the disobedience is a virtuous decision. Justified. Moral. Right. But not submission.


No one in the submissive role is perfect either, therefore someone submitting may at times wrongly disobey.


But before passing judgment or taking any agreed upon disciplinary action, the one in the dominant role should review whether or not it fits within everyone's negotiated boundaries.


The choices regarding virtuous disobedience and disciplinary actions ideally should be done using non-violent communication techniques. Whether it's with a safe word or by direct communication depends on how communication within the relationship dynamic is set up.


No one needs to submit. And there is nothing wrong with not submitting to someone. Only when you've agreed to submit and then don't, is when it becomes disobedience. 


The decision to submit or not places the ultimate control firmly in the hands of the one accepting the submissive role.


People labeling themselves "Submissive" often add the disclaimer:


"I am submissive...but not to just anyone"

This is dangerous because indeed there is no "twue sub" definition. What exactly does being "a Submissive" mean?

Well it could be...

"I choose to submit to _____."

"I enjoy doing acts of service for people."

"I enjoy submitting when it's someone I care for."

"I wish to submit to my lover as an act of love."

"In life I find I like to follow more than lead."

"I like to give up control in the bedroom."

None of the above.

Something else entirely!

More than likely it doesn't mean...


"I submit to everyone."

But it could! Especially to the "twue Doms" out there, which includes uneducated newbies, abusers, predators and other horny and sadistic guys.

So the need for this disclaimer would be eliminated if we weren't so vague as to what the definition of submission is. The word should seldom be used as an adjective, and using it as a descriptive noun is even more dangerous, considering the multiple dimensions surrounding the dynamics kinky relationships take on (of which D/s is only one of).


If one still must choose to identify that way, clarification becomes a huge responsibility both for the Submissive (to define) and for anyone wanting to dominate them (to understand).


Practicing submission doesn't require a "Dominant", but it does require judgment as to who a person wishes to submit to and to which things fall within everyone's boundaries.


Regardless of how "dominant" people you encounter are, everyone has things they want other people to do for them. Therefore we all have choices to make as to how much submission we want to give of ourselves towards someone else.


How much submission?

Submission assigns significance to the one who is acting in a dominant role by validating them and placing value on their wishes. Therefore the one in the dominant role is required to make sure their requests are worthy.


Notice the key words here:






These words are traditionally cherished by those in submissive roles, but I believe they are just as vital to the happiness of people in dominant roles too.


That's the beautiful thing about submissive actions: they assign value to others. Making judgments to submit to someone places a value upon that person, and therefore becomes an amazing way to demonstrate love towards them; especially for those who value being valued!


Not all love is submissive

I have had people who wish to submit to me do things thinking they are being submissive towards me. Their actions were sweet. They were kind. They were useful. They were even done with a submissive intent. But they were not acts of submission because there were not things I had requested.


Again, just because these actions did not fall within the definition of "submission" it does not diminish their importance. They were just a different type of endearment.


Taking off another person's shoes when asked is a submissive act. Putting them away when you noticed they were left in the middle of the room isn't.


If the one in the dominant role values one of these actions higher or lower that the other it doesn't change the definition of submission, it just means that one of the actions was deemed more important.



There is no "one twue Dom" or "one twue sub" but there sure as hell is one true definition for submitting.

Author's Notes/Comments: 


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Upon waking...

I am grateful for the sunlight which enters the room through the window as it allows me to see your body with more precision. I marvel at the sight of your skin as if I’d never noticed how appropriate the creaminess of the texture is in creating a smooth, seemingly silky surface which I long to run my fingers across. The image of picking up some of the luscious colour, as one would oil paint on canvas, comes to my mind. However, I refrain from doing so for the time being as I do not wish to wake you. I am merely an observer looking upon the figure of a woman, a woman that I dare not touch for fear of spoiling her as well as the calming and lovely air which surrounds her. This is to change though, soon, much like my demeanour, as I needn’t wait much longer for I KNOW you will give yourself to me upon waking. I chuckle lightly at the thought of the forms of torture you have endured under my hand. I realize that you naively ruin yourself for a pleasure you aim to create within me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote from the sweeter side of a man that finds pleasure in dominating women while making it clear that it is too the woman's choice, in the case of submission, to please the man in the only form he has now learned to recieve sexual satisfaction. I say "learned" because I believe that sexual preferences arise from or due to various aspects of life. The process of forming set (almost compulsive) behaviour is gradual and is obtained through learning (experience). Hence, in my opinion, there is more than one factor that leads to this mild or excessive sadistic behaviour.

I wrote this first-person paragraph on the behalf of men with the tendency to be warm as well as selfish, though it was mostly curiousity. I would love for someone to elaborate and add some more detail such in a way of contrast; "the woman is unable to move from the bed as rope confines her to the solid structure, her only..."

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loving the way you tease and twist
the way you touch and taste,
suck and bite...loving your supremacy,

loving my submission,
your control and total domination,

bend me at your will
break me at your pleasure
fuck me at your sway
make me yours
let me give you more...

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Dominate Me (original)

Crack the whip and tie me down
Have me completely gagged and bound
Make the pain go ever longer
For it makes the pleasure stronger
Spank, and bite me
Make it so I can’t see
Have your way
I’ll do as you say
Make me scream all night
I’ll do whatever you want if you bite
Make me your slave
For I love to misbehave
I have been a naughty kitty
Don’t you dare show me pity
Punish me as hard as you can
Show me that you’re the best woman
Whip my pussy ever so hard
Make my body feel so marred
Pull my hair, tighten the chain!
I want to feel more pain!
Make me bleed, make me moan
Show me that I’m your own
Make me beg for more
Fuck me more after I’m already sore
Control me so I can not move
Show me what I want you to prove
Hold a knife to my throat
Please don’t try to sugar coat
Anything you want I’ll do
I’ll do anything for you
Make me your pet
Show me what is set
Choke me harder, bite me some
I am yours till you’re done

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Sexual frustration can have interesting outcomes lol. No worries, not all of my poems are like this.

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