2007-2009 Poems

Long have I breathed for you.
Long have I held on.
Long have I tried as far as I can,
For as long as I can.


I never sleep, I never rest.
I stopped knowing myself
I stopped to feel, to exist for myself
Because you are the only thing that matters.


For as long as I tried.
As long as I breathed for you and I,
You were there for me.
But you never asked how I am…


The more I try, the more you cling to me.
The harder I try, the more you give up.
You think I am a superhero, or a fool perhaps
Because you know I can’t say “no”…


And yet I took and wore the dirty cape
Swim in the abyss when I was born to fly.
And still you do not know,
I’m doing this for you and I.


To the world, I am Ms. Invisible.
I am here, but to the world I am not.
I am needed, but not loved.
And it doesn’t matter to me-


Cause all I ever wanted is for you to try.
Not for me- but for yourself.
That is how much you mean to me.
But you didn’t…and I am getting weak.


I don’t know for how long I can hang on.
Still I try and I try and I try,
If I die in trying to save both you and I,
If I drown, will you blame me?


Or will you save me?
Will you finally feel my existence?
Breathe for us?
Live for us?


I’m drowning and still trying.
Inhale…I breathe for you and I.
Exhale…I live for you and I.
Tears are falling like rain.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I just stayed all day in my room today. I did absolutely nothing but I feel tired and sick on the 'inside' which is harder to cure because the inside of me is wanting to scream. It feels like it is only my skin that keeps me from exploding. I wrote this instead...~jerlin 09Aug08

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My love shall stay

My love for you is everlasting.

i feel this spell you are casting.

for i shall love you now and ever,

there is nothing i'd like better

your eyes so bright your voice so warm.

you're like a rose without the thorn.

I do not know what else to say.

except my love for you shall stay.

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I just can't stop

I just can't stop

This love has brought me atop

I hope this heaven I'm in, will never stop

My jaw recurringly drop's

I pick it up, as if a tab from a coffee shop

I just can't stop

The tears just drop

If I could display this joy, I would open up shop

Bring me any life, I wouldn't swap

I feel as if I'm at the world's top

Tingly & jitters I get, as if I drank 22 gallons of pop

Wherever she may plop, this is my favorite spot

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I just can't stop this feeling

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So it comes to me,

Whilst lying in the room,

Watching some tv.

The den in a gloom.

Earlier when I came home,

My sister and her friend,

Where all in the living room,

As I tried to befriend.

Two movies where watched,

Then came home dad.

Soon to follow was mom,

Then things turned so bad.

Dad to the kitchen.

Mom to her bed.

As Sach and friend left,

I was left there to dread.

Dad retired to his room,

With mom and soon went.

My sister to hers

With friends, I circumvent.

Left alone again.

Once we’re all back,

Going separate ways,

I left a lone Pack.

Mom loves Dad.

Dad loves work.

Sachi loves friends.

I struggle to perk.

Oba’s just trying,

To fit in still.

Brother is gone,

To practice his skill.

Mom uses work,

To fill the void,

That father caused

And almost destroyed.

Dad uses his company

And taiko to feel,

That something’s right,

In his dreams of ideal.

Sachi uses friends,

To stay away,

To leave this family

In it’s times of dismay.

Oba uses Buddhism

And chanting to stay

Away from the problems,

That occur everyday.

Brother’s gotten out.

He’s moved on some,

‘Til mom pulls him back.

Into our glum.

I watch it all,

And try to be,

The one to help,

Everyone see,

That we’re falling a part.

We’re loosing connection,

Of each other’s

Family affection.

This dysfunctional family

I’m stuck in between

Always desperately trying

To bring us being serene.

Inspired by: / Dedicated to: My family evenings

Created on: June 7, 2008 – 0512

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It Will Look Better In The Morning!

Starting, startling, the full horror of the morning,

Breaking, in dawning, in waves of cold nausea.

The grim grey light, creeps, seeping, seeking,

And finding, me on the couch in a drunken miasma,

Framed in cold fumes of kebab, beer and vodka.

Ruthless, relentless, the clock on the wall, ticks, senselessly,

Endlessly, ticking and taking the hours of my life.

Pulsing, throbbing, head losing the fight with my bladder for ease and release.

Then distantly, dismally, shamefully remembered, the row with my wife.

With unsteady gait, I wade to the bathroom, through the ruins of my life.

Then finding and unwinding my coiled horror, my doubt, her.... smiling!

Laughing, loving, jibing at my discomfort and my predicament.

Humourfull chiding, rallying and tidying the debris of dispute, which she is ignoring.

Elation growing, I take my chance, “I made a fool of myself love!” I repent.

Hangover forgotten in remembering why we married. She was heaven sent!

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Friends come in various sizes

from every walk of life,

they are always there beside you

through happiness and strife.

A friend is life's best treasure:

diamonds can't compare.

Without another's friendship

life's journey would be drear.

So take my hand of friendship,

share all my joy and woe.

Your loving care will warm me

through Winter's falling snow.

I'll share your laughter, wipe your tears,

as true friend love you through the years.

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Will I Find a Haven At All?

Below my keel the rolling sea

Around me screams the squall

No light or mark to guide me

Will I find a haven at all?

Will I find a haven at all?

A home from the wild rolling sea

I raise my voice to the lord

For no oil can calm this sea

No oil can calm this sea

I’m trapped on a lee shore

There's no trick of sail can save me now

I think of my haven once more

My haven in your heart

The warm harbour of your bed

And the church on the bank of the Dart

Where you and I were wed

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Doesn't It Feel Good?

Have you ever felt forgotten..that you’re the only one thinking of you

And ever felt that no one appreciates all the things you do?

Have you ever felt that you’re the last one on someone’s list

And did you ever think that your actions don’t matter when taking time to reminisce?

Did you ever feel like your worth nothing and that you’re a waste of time?

If so then you are just like me because this is a problem of mine

But then I told myself its okay and so what of no one cares

This is my own issue that I can’t force someone else to bare

I decided to stop feeling sorry for me and think of something else

Because doing good to others is better then endulging in myself

So I started to think of other people and what they mean to me

I showed them how much I love them..which was more than they could see

I got nothing in return but what I felt inside no one can take

I then felt a sense of belonging and I’m sure that so many people can relate

I felt a sense of satisfaction because I knew I had done well

And I felt as though I had released myself from my own shell

I finally felt right because I had done something that I should

And I smiled and asked myself “doesn’t it feel good?”

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Lets Play Pretend...

Lets Pretend were Happy,

Lets Pretend Were Glad.

Lets Pretend I love you,

so that you wont get too sad.

Lets Pretend I'm hopeless,

Lets Pretend I'm yours.

Lets Pretend I'm stupid,

Just to protect your flaws.

Lets play Pretend, My Friend.

Lets play Pretend.

Lets play untill these lies are real,

Lets play untill we can't Pretend no more.

Lets Pretend were Married,

Lets Pretend its all good.

Lets Pretend for a year or two,

just because you think we should.

Lets Pretend to hug and kiss,

Lets Pretend to dance.

Lets Pretend to have some kids,

Even though you know I can't.

Lets play Pretend, my friend.

Lets play Pretend.

I'm sick of these lies from playing pretend,

I sick of it and want something more...

Lets play Pretend, just so you can smile.

Lets play Pretend, just so you dont cry.

Lets play Pretend, and maybe it might come true.

Lets play Pretend, untill the day we die...

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2238   01 Jan 08

I dont want to hurt you but I can't play no more...

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