Cancer Coaster

The Rest

6 weeks 3 days and 4 hours.  Less than 2 months and life has been redesigned around me.  Mother now patient, child now carer, home now prison, hospital now home.  Every day the probabilities evolve and normality changes.  Prognoses masking people behind the portion of each percent. 


Each day at a time.  Each life sucking, drawn out, cancer filled day.  Fighting to climb out of the miasma of everything to do with the disease, desperate to see glimpses of an old reality around it.  How do you deal with something this outrageously huge and unfair?


You do. 


You draw on the visceral core of what it is to be human.  To survive. 


This battle has only just had it's lines drawn.  We are outnumbered 4 to 1.  And if our surgeon decides the battle is not, on balance, to our benefit 3/4 of our troops leave with him.  20% chance we stand relatively whole, enemy slain in 5 years.  If we fight alone it's 5%.  No general would authorise this fight, but they are not in charge.  It is the common people, clawing until their last breath breath to protect the loved ones and way of life they leave behind.


Chemical warfare and targeted strikes.  Lots of collateral damage.  Many times ahead, looking at the suffering and doubting this is worthwhile. 


Each day at a time.  Each painful, nauseous, fearful day.  To survive.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is about the fight I'm going through with my Mum.  I'm her primary carer and she has pancreatic cancer.  If you know nothing about it and are curious try  It is the least treatable type of cancer.  Only 20% of people discover it before it's spread because it causes few symptoms early that are not easy to write off to other causes.  Of those people with localised tumours, 1 in 5 won't be able to have surgery because major vessels are involved.  Of those who have surgery only about 20 percent don't die of complications, recurrence or spread in 5 years.  Don't ignore persistent indigestion, unexplained weight loss or unusual toilet habits.  Get checked out.

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9inety's picture

I am pulling

for you and your Mum...

I have known redesigned design as you have so poignantly described in your words. I hope these words of wisdom can ease some of your worry.


Survival Poem

I am not dreaming
Of a hope-victory-life.
I am just dreaming
Of a hope-survival-life.


Yesterday my need was world-conquest.
I failed.
Today my need is my own survival.
I am failing.  
Tomorrow my need will be a surrendered life.
I shall fail.

 By: Sri Chinmoy


Is one of my favorite poems also,


I wrote a poem to commorate Max Erhmann's greatness..

"Carvings at a Sacred Place"




"One of the best results of life, is the torment of love"

Dylan Eliot