A Single-Sided Love

Tears only lonely

Empty threats

And faint reminders

Of injustice

Lonely tears

Cannot comfort me

With all these burdens

I'm sinking down free

 

Times get rough

Don't I know

Things may shatter

People may go

I never dreamed

Our hearts would bleed

Can't you see, I loved you

It was you who didn't love me

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is actually a song I wrote.... I have the sheet music and all... but I thought it might be worth posting to hear any criticisms or comments xP

View hopelessly-candid's Full Portfolio
Starward's picture

Again, we have this

Again, we have this interesting thread of entropy---never parading itself, always in a subtle position as a process (usually with verbs ending in "ing").  Your understanding of entropy, both in its local form during ordinary lifetimes, and in the implication of the ontological or eschatological extreme, is, in my experience, unusual for someone still in the full flower of youth and adolescence.  I do not look down on your age, not at all.  I look up to it, because I did not have nearly the innate wisdom that you obviously have; and you not only have it, you deploy it in your poems.  About the thread though, I like the aspect is indicates of your ability to control and shape your material in such a subtle way.  The mastery of that, which I believe you will possess, is well demonstrated in Stevens' work.  Long thought of as a "miscellaneous" poet in the 30's and 40's, in his final years, readers and scholars alike were beginning to notice the interior references and connections between the various poems.  You are starting that way earlier than he did . . . and please do not stop.  Stevens said poems could occur, but they would be better off being caused (that is, planned).  Your deployment of the internal connectors, demonstrated by the entropic themes in several of your poems, gets top marks. 


Starward

tallsquirrelgirl's picture

amazing...

Nicely written and I'm sure relatable for many including me...unfortunately. keep writing!


*tallsquirrelgirl* she feels in italics and thinks in CAPITALS ~henry james

hopelessly-candid's picture

Thank you very much! Ehh love

Thank you very much! And ehhh love sucks x)

czjustanemptyhead's picture

I enjoyed reading this. Can

I enjoyed reading this. Can see the emotion you are portraying.

hopelessly-candid's picture

Thank you very much!  :) 

Thank you very much! :) I really have been enjoying your work. I look forward to reading more!  

floorguy112's picture

short and sweet (meaningful).

short and sweet (meaningful). when someone doesn't love u back it always hurts the worst!

hopelessly-candid's picture

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your comments.... and yes it is... it's heart wrenching

RoC's picture

Unrequited

It was Mandy Moore, I think, who said "One sided love is never gonna work"
An inescapable symptom of the human condition, to want what we can't have, no?
Such a beautiful homage to such a befouling reality. I salute you.


Speaking of sheet music, think you can help me learn to write that?


"Music is a universal language and needs not be translated. With it, soul speaks to soul" - Songsterr

hopelessly-candid's picture

Thank you very much! :) And,

Thank you very much! :) And, I'd love to.... I'll admit though... this was my first real finished song that wasn't terrible in the melody.... I'm a much better drummer than pianist... (and there's no drumming in this ^_^).... but ya I'd love to share the little I know xP

PeterChristopherRaymond's picture

Very raw heartbeaking ideas.

Very raw heartbeaking ideas.

hopelessly-candid's picture

ya the good ol'unrequited

ya the good ol'unrequited love ^_^... thank you for reading :)!

lesbians_unite's picture

beautiful... you have youtube

beautiful... you have youtube of something to sing on so I can hear what it sounds like in song form?

hopelessly-candid's picture

thank you very much... no i

thank you very much... no i dont... but i'm hoping to do that soon!

bolt's picture

pain...its pain that i can

pain...its pain that i can see everywhere....

hopelessly-candid's picture

Haha ya.... love did always

Haha ya.... love did always betray the hand that knew her ^_^

life_used_to_be_lifelike's picture

You unknowingly wrote this

You unknowingly wrote this song about me lol. Amazing write.. Thank you. 


"It is a terrible thing to be so open. It is as if my heart put on a face and walked into the world" -- Sylvia Plath.

hopelessly-candid's picture

haha thank you so much!! I'm

haha thank you so much!! I'm glad it's relatable... it's the worst feeling in the world though isnt it.... thank you for commenting :)

allets's picture

But

I love the lyrics - in your face de facto blunt - still too many syllables in last lie. Recommend losing the "but". End the previous line and understate the last line (under your voice for emphasis - understatement and accusation). Just a thought. Enjoyed - sheet music and everything - impressive! Needs a bridge that reflects the title: Love on the single side is single-sided love/lonely sided one sided single sided love - something that plays on unrequited solo sided only sided love (something true and catchy) hmmmmm. ~Star~

.

 


 

 

hopelessly-candid's picture

ya you're right... thank you

ya you're right... thank you for the advice!!.... i wrote a bit of the chorus... but not sure how i feel about it so i didnt post it xP... ehh still needs a lot of work

allets's picture

All In All

it is fine the way it is - story told, sad and short and true ~ fab write, done well and well, done. ~Star~

.


 

 

hopelessly-candid's picture

Thank you very much :)

Thank you very much :)