I Cannot Be In Love

I have never been in love,
and of course, I would like to,
but not with you.

When the thought crossed my mind
joy was not something I felt.
It was fear.
Fear and panic
and a sort of wrenching feeling,
a tug,
a pull.
Maggots in my heart.

I cannot be in love,
not with you.
is all that would cause,
a mangled, murdered friendship,
awkward silence
in each other's presance.

I am not in love,
I do have a heart murmer,
perhaps it acts up
only when I see you.

It's like the sky won't stop falling,
and all the birds are calling,
calling your name
as they fall.

But what do birds know?

I've thought about it for more than a year,
but everytime I get near
to telling you
I bite my toung.
I won't let this happen.

Love is such a cruel thing,
such an evil thing,
such a viscious way to torture
a heart that's been so closed,
a heart I kept secret,
I will not be in love
with you.

I feel sick.
Lurching stomach,
something heavy in my chest.

How does anyone deal with this?
Is it supposed to be good?
Should I enjoy it?

I could enjoy it,
I would enjoy it,
if only it wasn't you,
if only it was someone-
anyone else.

I cannot be in love.
So go away.
I can't take it.
I can't see you today.

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