An Odd Calmness

by Jeph Johnson


As a poet, depression and loneliness have always been on my same thesaurus page. But lately I'm discovering it is possible to be lonely and NOT depressed at the same time. I'm a little bored, but oh well. My depression has always been linked to anxiety over not feeling secure in health, finances and self worth. Lovers have always provided me much of that security in the past. I'm quickly growing into someone more confident in myself in these areas. Along with this growth, my confidence as a lover and sexual being is waning. But that's okay. I have more than enough "evidence" to render those thoughts obsolete. Maybe I'm slowly becoming asexual? I believe I am too complicated for anyone to really love. At least in the way I imagine love should be. I'm the only person who tends to understand me so maybe I'm the only person who I need true love from? I hate that I can't utilize the skills I've developed in the decade I've spent in the kink realm. It's not like I'm giving it up or wouldnt enjoy sexual intimacy, it is just not a priority or an innate drive like it used to be. If this asexuality were veganism I would not object to a drive through McDonald's every once in a while so this declaration of asexuality is nothing binding and, as I seem to like to flirt with everyone, I make for a very poor advocate for any "asexual agenda". But I feel an odd calmness surrounding me that I've never felt being alone before and I'm beginning to fall in love again.

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allets's picture


Let's hear it for the "kink" zone. (sex, done lots of that, time to develop in other areas) plus hormones recede eventually - life and health have their own dictates (pardon the pun please) :D