Seen

Folder:

It is what it is

Youthful thoughts of glory desire to serve
Traded those hopes for sleepless nights
memories good and bad
mud and blood
searing sand

Brothers for life

Stories abound with great deeds
never with seeing brothers bleed
brothers break
brothers lost, but
always on the mind

Loved ones see the change... Wayward contrary aimless

for all that we have knowing the cost Tragic/Victory?

we tell ourselves... I told myself
we can't have one without the other
Question: Can we have one without the other?

Always censoring our words
proud to have served
never revealing unheard
unspoken
thoughts

Always and only the good

Brothers
Others we helped

Never the personal defeats Losses
demons that haunt whispering taunt

Funny in my mind is where I keep this
don't let it out
not with a word
not with a tear
not with a shout

To speak would be weak
a man isn't a man if he's weak
rub some dirt on it walk it off
suck it up buttercup

Male macho BS you say

No one wants to know
handshake pat on the back
empty gesture

Writing this down is bad enough
if someone knew; truly knew
What was seen, heard,

felt

would they?
could they?

look you in the eye

or would it be "That poor guy"
the thought of that infuriates me

I have training to complete the mission
I have training to intervene at work
I have training to write the report

There is no training for what you carry home

Memories you have
Branded in your mind
Blistered on your soul

blood an inch deep
on the tile

The look
as someone dies

on their face
In their eye

Beaten, bruised, broken
Stabbed, laceration, protrusion
Overdose, vomit, purplish hue
Shot, bubbling, crater

I must say the worst look was seared stained in the eye of a suicide

"The Oh God what have I done"

as we cut him down body still twitching, fighting, losing
unable to take it back

I have seen the seething contempt
smelled the rotting distain
heard the dripping disgust
people have for one another

I pray there's enough Hope for them all

I started to open up once
seen that look in their eye

I changed gears,
told a joke
let it go,
flashed a smile

It's mine to carry

I probably shouldn't be whining

The smartest thing I ever said:

Hey please do me a favor?
Don't let me be me.