For He Who Is Curious And Won't Admit

i search and search until i find,

a boy who is suited to be mine.

though i only think he will be,

the only one i want for me.

i learn so quick to spot the lies,

then something happens, something dies.

i erase the feelings that i felt,

and leave him with the cards i delt.

so ironic that i should see,

someone want to hide from me.

for those i've hurt and those i've scarred,

i want to run so very far.

he is the thing which i do desire,

my oxygen to the fire.

but what he doesn't know i fear,

will be the ending and start my tears.

how can i tell him what i've done?

how do you explain that to anyone?

the things i bottle up inside,

this monster which i know i hide.

i blame myself for what happened too,

even though i know that it isn't true.

i didn't cause myself this pain,

and in the end i don't anything to gain,

by telling myself that i was the cause,

by pointing out all my flaws.

i push and push but don't pull back,

i've admittedly stuck myself into a crack.

this seed of evil that i host,

will take me over, kill me at most.

and who is left with all the blame?

this boy i love whom i will not name.

truely it is not my choice,

to falter when i most need my voice.

as if i cannot express my guilt,

running me through as i tilt.

can he ever forgive me for my lies?

deception only turns to cries.

i should try and try till i get it right,

even if it takes me all goddamn night.

i want to tell him want happened long ago,

but then the pain returns and so....

i will wait until i love him more,

and find what i am looking for,

in him is all that i hate and love,

with something else from above.

i cannot continue this horrible path,

so its get in or out, you do the math.

it's time now to fight and stand,

no longer sticking my head in the sand.

together we are tight as a band,

him standing here, holding my hand.

i have the courage to move along,

there is no right, there is no wrong.

only thing left is him and me,

now it's time to open my eyes and see:

i'm safe where i am, and he will empathize,

so i've got to stop running away with my lies.

i'll pull from my back, this betrayal knife,

i'll pull back to save my life.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

gota pull back, gettin too far ahead, must pull back, before i'm dead....

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Mark Aiken's picture

I am always here to listen

we both have monsters in our pasts but the most scariest monsters are the ones we don't know about