What a day!

I’ve been a rat in a maze today,

Squirreling around in a cage called my mind.

My illness seems to create an internal pressure I can’t stand,

And my astrological sign amplifies things I already know:

“I wanted things done, YESTERDAY!”

I’ve been in limbo of a housing situation,

Not sure of where I’ll move,

Or if I’ll get a descent place from my housing voucher,

In regards to seeing whether or not

If this “new” place will fit my needs.

I have been living with my ex-lover,

As she has been sitting in wait of another.

I did not want to tell her how I felt for her,

I did not want to even remotely give any of my heart away.

    I knew she probably would not return it…

    She could not love me and the one she waits for…

   A house divided cannot stand.

Yet, I have thought about poly-fidelity relationships too.

But what the whole brass tax came down to was,

I’ve had so much stress about everything,

I wanted a guarantee.

However, true love isn’t like that.

And love of any kind cannot make any demands—

Because that is control, not love.

So above all, I chose to wait.

I chose not to give any ultimatums or not ask her to leave,

Thinking that her missing me might make her want ME MORE.

But I refused to resort to mind games.

There wasn’t a thing I would have gained from it,

There wasn’t a thing I could have used as leverage…

I didn’t even know for certain,


The way she had been filling mine.

I have said,

“In order to keep primary relationships,

One has to fight their second nature.”

We must fight, insecurity, greed, lust or any other emotion,

Because it seems that every ill emotion we have,

Stems out of a previous pain,

Or it stems out of a previous hurt,

To the point we are just reactive, not active.


I’ve been to meetings, and made phone calls,

My landlord died, and his estate planner came.

My mind seemed to be in a million places,

And yet, no place where I could get any perspective on anything.

When my old lover came home,

I saw her unload a bag,

I saw greeting cards, and felt myself get a bit nosy,

But it wasn’t my business.

If I am to know about anything,

She would have to tell me.

And I had to fight off the momentary feeling of jealousy,

To remind myself,

“I am here.  And her love is in a far worse place.

It is good that she’ll get some cards to lift her spirits.

Besides that,

Why should I be jealous when I get to have her here with me?”

Then as I sat out on the patio,

She came with our grandson.

“Some lady knocked and gave you these cards.”

My old lover smiled as she handed them to me.

I had given her a card the other day,

But I wasn’t expecting anything in return.

I have fought very hard, not to overwhelm her,

And give her gifts, engrossing her with the “mushy”.

So to see her hand me any card,

Surprised me.

At the most, I thought they might be a “Thank-you.”

Or an, “I’m here for you friend,” type of card.

The first card did not surprise me,

She wanted to be the best of friends,

Even when we were eighty!

I sort of laughed in my mind.

“Me reach eighty?

That would be the day!

I could see me putt around in my “little rascal”,

Asking old women if they wanted a lift.”

But then, the second, shocked me.

Could we really be on the same page?

I had wrote poems on the net,

Disclosing all those feelings I had about her,

Wonderful things I appreciated, but refused to tell her.

If I made myself vulnerable,

Could I really handle the thought of,

“I love you too, but you know,

It’s just not in the cards for us, the way you want it.

I don’t feel that way about you.”

What good would my telling her do?

In my eyes,

It could only put more pressure on her,

And put me in a place,

Where I could not stand that I had asked a question,

Then gave her all the time in the world to answer,

Knowing I didn’t have patience to wait,

And would probably, (before too long scream),


No, BIG PAPA isn’t a patient woman, at all!

Elongated excitement and vulnerability,

Are not always the best bed partners.

With much anxiety,

I re-read this second card:

“Do you think

We can make a fresh start---

Re-discovering in each other

The magic of a touch,

The passion of a kiss,

The contentment

Of simply being together?

I want us

To hold onto our memories,

Put the hard times behind us,

And look forward

To each of our tomorrows

With love in our hearts….

My heart holds

So much love for you.”

What in the hell was she saying?

She was open?  

Open to the thought of us?

“What about Azlee?”

“She is there and I am here.

I’m not going to stop writing her,

She is a special friend, so that’s out.”

I did not expect her to stop writing either.

I did not want to stop

Seeing her eyes light up at the mention of her friends name.

Yes, I waited,

And this day is here.

Never did I think I’d be so scared.

Every level we’ve reached,

The more I have felt in my heart…

All the good and bad…

All the anticipation of wonderful times…

And the wonder of, can I be able to do this…

And not fall prey to fear.

I know that I cannot survive another relationship.

Then, I had to remind myself,

FEAR is false evidence appearing real.

My anxiety started to take my past,

Impose it on a future that wasn’t even here, yet.

I had to remember,

What I have, is now.

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is unknown,

And today, I want to be with her.

She holds me in her eyes,

She knows when I’m sick,

“You need to rest, you need to sit down somewhere,

And stop trying to think for everyone including the president!”

We have grandchildren, w

WE have family.

She teaches me life lessons,

I’m just too damned gullible to learn at times.

And her loving ways come with a thundering velvet hand.

Yes, she is good for me,

And I still love to watch her eat fried chicken!

I do not have to change,

I only have to be me, the writer, the artist, the clown, the lover… THE FRIEND.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

EWB, I never thought we'd be on the same page.  I wish I could take you out for a candlelight dinner, or something to show you how much I care and am feeling right now.  Today, in the midst of all my chaos, you reached in and put a little piece of the sun in my heart.  I hope it is okay to say, I love you.  BIG PAPA.  Radio says the cards are really good ones!  Thank-you.

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