consent

Enthusiastic No

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DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


Sensing others boundaries is essential to preventing consent violations. Getting the "enthusiastic yes" is a great way to instil this attitude in assertive people.

 

But in order for this culture shift to happen smoothly, people have to learn to express their desires (boundaries) on both ends clearly and concisely.

 

Consent culture

(which is what we are striving to achieve)

 

Consent culture demands getting an "enthusiastic yes" before proceeding.

 

It's very important for us to learn to express our boundaries clearly and concisely. The best words to use to express those boundaries are "yes" and "no".

 

In order for us to promote a consent culture we must all clearly communicate enthusiastic consent: enthusiastic yes's and enthusiastic no's.

 

Rape culture

(which we are hoping to eliminate)

 

Rape culture demands getting a "vague or nonexistent yes" before proceeding.

 

In order for rape culture to thrive we must have people who either don't express their boundaries or if they do, they do it vaguely or haphazardly.

 

Additionally, rape culture relies upon people who do not wait for those boundaries to be expressed or else they jump at opportunities to capitalize on the vagueness.

 

Prosecutable rape

 

Rape requires getting a "no" --- the more resounding the "no" the more prosecutable the offense.

 

It's increasingly difficult for a person to sense an enthusiastic "yes" in a partner when they have no enthusiastic "no" to compare it to.

 

We rely too much on subtleties when it comes to consent and sex and those subtleties can be devastating when read incorrectly.

 

Bottom line

 

Fair or unfair, you share in the responsibility whether or not you're passive or assertive.

 

For the passive, you must not only learn to communicate clearly and concisely, you must practice communicating clearly and concisely.

 

If you're assertive you must be patient and learn to accept the fact that you may never recieve a yes and be patient enough to wait for it to be enthusiastic if it does come. This is all that separates you from a rapist.

 

In order for us to promote a consent culture we must all clearly communicate enthusiastic consent: enthusiastic yes's being equally as important as enthusiastic no's.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2017 

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"Stunted"

by Jeph Johnson


eighteen may be the age of consent

but I know many who take even longer than that.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2016 

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"Consent"

Folder: 
DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


one cannot decry consent violations

by non-consensually

defaming someone's character

.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2015 

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I Don't Condone Sex With Animals...

by Jeph Johnson 

 

I don't condone sex with animals...but I sure as hell am not going to condemn it either!

 

The debate about whether or not zoophilia is a justified practice and legitimate fetish seems to boil down to whether or not consent can be given by the animal.

 

I am not one to make a judgment on whether or not animals can consent, just as I am not one to decide just when a fetus becomes a baby. It is a debate no one can answer - ever.

 

Let's assess what we do know. We do know they surely can't consent to the same standard a human can. Their reasoning skills are sadly not as advanced as ours. But the question remains, whether or not consent should be necessary in order to utilize an animal for sexual pleasure. This is what I am more concerned with.

 

Whether or not you find sexual interplay between humans and animals disgusting or titillating is irrelevant. The question I am concerned with answering is:

 

"Do people who find this sort of behavior a legitimate way to express oneself have the right to do so?"

 

Let us look at some other things humans do to animals solely for the betterment or pleasure of humans:

 

-We breed them (without their consent)
-We eat them (without their consent)
-We use their fur and skin as clothing (without their consent)
-We use them for transportation (without their consent)
-We use them for testing (without their consent)
-We use them for laborious tasks (without their consent)
-We use them for sport (without their consent)

 

In none of these activities is consent given, and in most of these generally accepted practices, the animal is suffering more than it would in a sexual liaison with a human zoophile.

 

If consent is not given in the "kill them for food" example (yet we do it), why does consent need to be given in the "use them for their sexual pleasure" example?

 

For the record, most zoosexuals believe consent is implied when they practice zoophilia, but that isn't a debate I want to get into. I just wanted it stated so people understand why I defend the rights of others to practice this unpopular sexual fetish.

 

Obviously people can believe anything they want, but I have much more respect for people who are consistent with their judgments.

As a carnivore who believes it is perfectly justified to eat other animals, I don't feel I can stand in judgment of someone whose kink it is to interact sexually with an animal.

 

Some have said that a human interacting sexually with an animal is tantamount to rape. If this is indeed the case, then it surely waters down the horrendous atrocity of human on human rape.

 

Yes, rape is a crime of power, but isn't the power dynamic already implied and demonstrated in almost all aspects of human-animal interaction?

 

-Does our use of animals as food make us cannibalistic?

-Does our use of their fur as clothing make us Hannibal Lechters?

-Does our use of them as test subjects make us into mad scientists?

-Does our use of horses and mules as transportation make us slave drivers?

-Does our use of dogs and cats for companionship make them into escorts?

 

No, this is all ridiculous.

 

So why are we painting those who choose to interact with animals in a sexual way as rapists? And why are we equating an animal who has engaged in sexual play with a human, to a human rape victim?

 

Sure, it might be disgusting to most of us. But so is scat play and emetophilia.  Heck, so is homosexuality to a good portion of the redneck and Christian/Muslim world.

 

Only the most puritanical and bigoted among us would tell others they couldn't practice these sexual practices in the privacy of their own homes.

 

The degree of how unpopular something is gives even more reason to defend its practice (as long as no one else is getting hurt).

 

Now, one may argue that the animal is hurt by sexual interaction from a human. That is outlandish. From my understanding, zoophiles actually form loving interactions towards their animal partner. They wouldn't dream of physically hurting them. They want to pleasure them!

 

As to emotional damage to the animal. That is outlandish too. The animal would need to have human feelings, emotions and reasoning skills to feel emotionally damaged. You can't have it both ways. If indeed an animal has no capability to consent (and never will) then it has no ability to feel emotional scarring from a simple pleasurable feeling.

 

And let us suppose, for the sake of argument, that an animal was hurt. At worst, we are back to the start. Are not animals killed for food being hurt? Or used as slave labor? Or tested upon? etc. etc.

 

Breeders of livestock are already forcing sexuality on cattle. There is the practice of using teaser cows to entice bulls for breeding, only to have the bull's penis moved into an artificial vagina for semen collection. To me, this is a much crueler form of bestiality, done without any loving intent, instead simply to breed cows with more tender meat.

 

But I guess it is okay because we want our meat really tender and juicy.  Well, perhaps someone wants their sexual pleasure sated by sexual interactions with an animal?

 

That should be okay too.

 

Who am I to judge?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2012 

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Thoughts on Subspace, Domspace, Control and Responsiveness

Folder: 
DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO

 

To set the record straight, I think MarcTaylor's writing shown below  DOMSPACE - TLDR: Unresponsive=Unsafe is brilliant. 


That being said, I have found out the hard way that sarcasm is not a good method to use regarding triggering subjects that many people consider tantamount to rape. Sarcasm essentially becomes a "rape joke" and the points you were trying to make become lost to the very people who you most want to hear it.

 

His analogy did inspire me to make some mental comparisons between his "Domspace" idea (which firmly places the Dom in the role of unapologetic abuser or rapist) and the subspace many Bottoms desire to achieve.

 

But I think we are talking two different things:

 

The Top must focus on and be able to display "control."

 

The Bottom must focus on and be able to display "responsiveness."

 

Both the Top and Bottom must be able to COMMUNICATE WITH ONE ANOTHER!

 

So regardless of what a Bottom's declaration regarding how responsive or unresponsive they get in subspace, it's still the Top's responsibility to maintain alertness and control (the power has been entrusted).

 

But I also realized how absurd it can be to put one's self in that situation without plenty of safe guards.

 

The way I look at it, always play with someone who believes they can be alert and responsive enough.

 

That is still not enough. This is why RISK AWARE Consensual Kink (R.A.C.K.) is a better term to use than SAFE, sane and consensual (S, S&C), and why PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY in consensual kink (P.R.I.C.K.) is the ideal.

 

Especially for more seasoned players or in relationships two enter into.

 

A Bottom's prior scenes may get them to say "yeah, I am able to use my safe word/wiggle my fingers/say no", but that first time you both discover they really are not able to do it, it becomes quite devastating if you have pushed passed a boundary.

 

How do I know? This has happened twice to me. Twice have I gone past my play partner's boundaries without being aware of it because no safe word was able to be given. I should say, "twice that I know of", because many Bottoms are afraid to tell me, opting instead to just not play with me again, or "warn others in the community."

 

The feeling is not just "bad scene" devastating, I am talking "life changing devastation" complete with feeling shame for hurting someone you cared deeply for, feeling anger in how it played out when you thought you were doing the right thing, doubting your own sanity, and falling from grace with many former friends who now think you're a monster. The repercussions from an incident like this have brought me a lot of self doubt, anxiety and regret. Add in the fact that I have played with a lot of newbies and younger women, and the label "predator" gets stuck on me.  Never mind that the two women this happened with were both in their late 30s/early 40s and very intelligent.

 

The first instance was with a former babygirl of mine. I whispered into her ear asking for an affirmative reply before proceeding and received the answer: "You do what you have to do, Daddy."

 

The second time was with a different partner several years later. In this scene (our second or third scene together), not only did I not know or realize a boundary was being crossed, she didn't either! It was only after almost a year later that she "realized" she had been in "rope subspace" (from a prior scene, mind you) and could not respond when she was invited into a predominantly sexual scene that was not even really involving me, I just led it.

 

So back to the subject at hand...

 

You wouldn't get into a vehicle that had broken warning lights or speedometer, but I know from experience those signals can fail mid-drive.

Sure, it's "the car's fault."

 

You are tempted to say: "How the heck did I know the engine was overheating, the check engine light never came on?!"

 

But ultimately the driver still is responsible for the vehicle's maintenance as well as driving it safely, even when the meters are not all working.

 

Recently a person on FetLife came to us and proposed dating, playing and potentially ultimately joining our relationship. I was tempted to proceed, since she was quite attractive to me and both of us enjoyed her company.

 

Again to use the car analogy, despite wanting to hop in and go for the ride, we chose to do an "inspection." In doing so, we found out the meters were in a language we just couldn't understand if they were present at all.

 

We set our boundary to not play with her.

 

So the real question I would like to ask in all of this:

 

Who are those who Bottom and become unresponsive in subspace (or have broken meters) supposed to play with if people who know what they're doing (like MarkTaylor) consider it a hard limit?  

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2015.


DOMSPACE - TLDR: Unresponsive=Unsafe

By MarcTaylor 

 

Trigger Warning
This writing mentions "Personal Safety/Responsibility" twice (2).

Something you should know about me, I've been topping for 10+ years now and I've heard about and witnessed many different head-spaces. I want to warn you about mine:

 

DOMSPACE

If you've seen me play or watched any of the MBE feeds the past few years, you may have noticed my collection and affinity for headbands. There's a rumor swirling around out there that I wear them because I'm prone to sweating and it hurts/is annoying when sweat gets in your eyes during a scene. The truth behind the headbands is much darker than you could have ever imagined. The headband is a totem, it's an item I use to unlock a very special headspace I like to call: DOMSPACE. Imagine a brown skinned Bruce Banner without the purple pants. When I go into DOMSPACE I essentially Hulk out, and much like the big green guy in the purple pants I want to destroy everything in front of me, usually whilst yelling "MarcTaylor SMASH!" Unfortunately if you're playing with me at the time that makes you the target. As I transform into this brown skinned monster I become a machine, I find that I loose most if not all control, and my inner Dom (the other guy) just takes over. It's like I'm along for the ride, but can't stop or slow things down. It doesn't matter what or how my partner (victim) and I negotiated, when I'm in DOMSPACE Yellow and Red mean nothing to me and no matter what safe-word is used I can't stop myself from causing pain and ignoring consent. When I'm in DOMSPACE I become unresponsive. Do or say what you want to try and protect yourself, it won't matter until after the scene is finished and the headband is removed. Also, if you ask me about DOMSPACE during a negotiation, I may or may-not mention it, if you don't ask, I certainly won't bring it up. OK, who wants to play?

 

Ridiculous right?

 

I was at Shibaricon last week in a class on advanced negotiations. During the class the topic of personal responsibility came up. -Elwood-, who was teaching the class, made a suggestion that if you're bottoming, you must keep one foot anchored in the real world. By all means seek out and find sub-space, or fairyland, or your pain palace, or whatever it is you seek, but please leave part of yourself in the scene to monitor and mention when your fingers start to tingle, or to say yellow if need be. A female identified bottom (look how politically correct that was) argued that she is unresponsive when she plays, and still safe. The male identified top person (I did it again) sitting next to her added, "when you play with her she get's downright unconscious for 3-5 minutes if you're doing it right". The female identified bottom person (3/3) went on to explain, "the Dom I play with has no morals and no conscience, in fact he'd literally keep beating you until he killed you if he weren't stopped. When I play with him I have another Top, who knows me and my body, stand by to tell him when to end our scenes, since I won't be able to." Now, the amazing thing here isn't that with billions of people on the planet the female identified bottom (4/4) who goes mute and can't protect herself in anyway, against all odds, paired up with the top who would "LITERALLY" kill her if he weren't stopped. I mean, holy shit! Cupid must just want to watch the world burn. The amazing thing is this was all said to the class as if it were a brag or a point of pride we should all take note of.

 

My personal opinion: I'm not the safety police, in fact, I'm probably on the most wanted list. I'm not here to stand on or establish a new moral high ground. If when you play as a Top or Bottom, you go unresponsive and can't communicate in anyway in either direction, I don't want to play with you because I feel that you are unsafe and represent a risk to me and my personal safety and liability. The blanket statement, "I was in a headspace that didn't allow me to communicate with you" is a Hard Limit for me. Red! Red! Red! If you are bottoming with me and you can't say or communicate in any way any of the following: "yellow", "red", "I've changed my mind", "I'm loosing feeling in my spleen", or "can we get pizza when we're done?", I'm sorry but I love pizza too much to play with you. This doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means I like pizza, and my own safety more (also Oxford Commas).

 

CLARIFICATION: Sarcasm... to Clarify: I don't REALLY go into DOMSPACE, it was simply a satirical literary tool to help illustrate a point.

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The Bottom Line (is Also the Top's)

Folder: 
DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO

 

It took me a long time to agree with the following statement:

 

"If the Bottom feels like their consent was violated, then it was."

 

In order to understand this I needed to utilize non-linear thinking by adding the following caveat:

 

"If that consent is revoked without the Top's knowledge, then there is no fault to the Top for the violation."

 

This is unfortunate. But as with every unfortunate event, we can learn by it and do things to make future encounters less likely to be negative.

 

This doesn't make the violation any less painful. Indeed it makes it more painful for both the Top and the Bottom feel pain.

 

This does not blame the victim for the violation. It happened. It is unfortunate. Both parties need to reassess what happened. That is all that needs to be addressed. Blame is not important. And regret is only applicable to the individual. Never use your own regret to place blame upon another person!

 

A Bottom may consent to an activity and upon actually doing the activity, decide they hate it. Yet they may still continue on without safewording or calling stop to the scene or activity for any number of reasons.

 

"If I just make it through, I will be able to bear it."

 

"I liked such and such activity with so and so, why am I not enjoying it with this person?"

 

"They've never pushed me this far before, I am at that point where it isn't any fun."

 

"I liked doing this before at home, but here in the dungeon it just isn't appealing. But I don't want to disappoint my Dom because they are enjoying themselves so much."

 

All of these scenarios are unfortunate and sadly dangerous.

 

One might suggest there should be some blame or at least some responsibility for not notifying the Top beforehand (or during). This is simply not true. Despite it being a very real feeling of violation, there is no fault (if the Top is unaware and the Bottom is not able to communicate a stop), only a responsibility to communicate and do things differently next time...or maybe not play again.

 

More scenarios can come about after the fact:

 

Perhaps there was a misunderstanding- to the Bottom "no sex" meant "nothing sexual at all" where to the Top it meant "no penis in vagina."

 

Maybe the Bottom encountered a lapse in judgment regarding the feel of a certain toy and was too embarrassed to admit it: "Yeah I want the smaller flogger because it won't sting so much."

 

These are all unfortunate incidences, but nothing productive comes from placing blame when the Top was unaware due to the Bottom not knowing they would regret the activity later. Blame aside, unintentional consent violations are worthy only for the added opportunities they present us for learning and improvement.

 

Disconcerting as they are, unintentional consent violations are opportunities for improvement for both Top and Bottom.

 

Just as no blame should go to the "victim", in the case of the unintentional consent violation, no blame should go to the consent violator either.

 

Still the consent violator, who usually is the Top, has their share of responsibility. This does not allow the Top to skirt the issue or provide free reign to retaliate in anger. It simply provides them an opportunity to be more aware of their Bottom's non-verbal reactions and to fine tune their negotiation skills. To confirm and DOUBLE confirm the intent of the scene and the intended activities contained within.

 

It also provides Bottoms opportunities to learn to become better at expressing boundaries throughout the play scene as well as communicating with their Top ways to learn to better read their non-verbal reactions and responses.

 

"I may go into subspace. If I do, I will probably be less responsive. I may even not be able to speak. If this is the case, please remember to ramp it down."

 

They also give both Top and Bottom chances to make better choices regarding with who we play with and how we play.

 

All consent violations serve as a sober reminder that the burden of respecting consent culture rests soundly on both parties in a BDSM scene and the community as a whole.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2014 

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