Abuse anger hurt pain childhood memory's

Mommy

These doors bare locks that holds no key 

Place your hand upon me and tell me not scream

You were supposed to love and protect me

Not give me wicked dreams

The reflection in the mirror,

 a child, that's me

Or who I used to be

Now, just a toy in your dark fantasy. 

Tell me not scream, no one will believe  me.

Mommy please?

Do you see what this man did to me?

the nameless

 

The darkness grows,

I've lost my way

Crawling agianst these walls,

I try and hold on

I'm lossing grip as i start to fall

My heart grows colder,

looks like you fooled her,

once agian

 

force me in and drag me down,

I try and scream but theres no sound

 

tear away at my flesh

eat away at my innocents

these demons surface

filthy and broken down

nothing more but an empty shell.

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Why?

Folder: 
My hidden self

Why does it feel that laughter turns to fear?

Why do the tears only roll down my eyes?

Why is the blue not only in the sky?

Why is it in my soul, breaking my heart from all the lies?

With a solomn cry, quiet and shy,

And a sorrowful goodbye,

I ask,"Why?"

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My dad was never really in my life. He would come and go. As a young child I was always thrilled to see him, until he left for years at a time. He would promise me things and never follow through with them. He broke my young heart and gave me scars that will never leave. At the age of 13, I finally told him I was done with his games, and I said goodbye. Though this hurt me because he is my dad and I loved him I knew it was best for me, but I still had to ask him why he did the things he did.

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A LITTLE GIRL

           A LITTLE GIRL

A little girl is crying out but you can’t hear

 Her because she has no voice

No one asks her how she feels

Or what she thinks, she is never given a

Choice

She will cry herself to sleep tonight

But dream of a better tomorrow

A way to leave make a fresh start

And get away from the sorrow

Somehow she finds the strength to make it

Though another day

She hope someday she will find out how

It feels to be loved instead of pushed away

I know she feels so alone, locked inside of

Herself, trapped by her fear

Imprisoned by the secret she has kept for

Too many years

Hoping in the end the truth will set her free

How do I know?

The little girl is me

I spent too much of my running from my

Painful past

And try as I may, it is catching up fast

I am still haunted by the hurt and pain

Still trying to get over my pain

But I feel so much better knowing I now

Have a choice

I can speak up I now I have a voice

I am not the scared little girl I was before

And you cannot hurt me and I am not your

Victim any more

And even though it has taken a very long

Long time

I now know that it is your shame not mine

You have to take the blame I did nothing

Wrong

And even know you hurt me more than you

Will ever comprehend, I forgive you,

Because you made me strong

 

© Danielle Eitzmann

 

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"THE TRUTH HURTS (BUT LIVE WITH THE SCARS)"

Wish you well. I've always had a spontaneous personality and I thought it was a good thing but all its done is gotten me into trouble and threw me in a spiritual ditch.You asked me if I thought you were ugly but maybe I should've asked you was I ugly too? What did I hope to see or hope to find? Was I seeing my imagination my whole life and reality became ugly? Maybe my mental illness thinks humanity is ugly. Somewhere in my mind most human faces are ugly and I want to put a bag over them and I frown at you and others because in my mind you are suppose to look cool like a japanese anime character because I think they are sexy for some strange reason but we both know you might not keep up with that and if I want that then you will want-this-this-this and that-that-that. I don't really like human faces!!!!!! Sorry people, its part of the illness. Put make-up on,
be a man in a dress.
I told Jesus I can't stop being obsessed
with pretty things,
because I feel like a black man in a woman's body.
Its the truth and it will never go away
so I have no choice but to live with it everyday.
I have no desire to be pretty. I just wear what I have because my soul is the sexiest thing about me and that will never change but its also tattered and torn with scars all over the place and I earned my scars fair and square because the Devil was riding my ass too far like he does to everybody. The more juicy the soul and the brighter it is, he likes to rape our souls by any means necessary. If this information scares you I don't care because he has done much worse and what I'm saying to you is cookies and a glass of milk compared to his version of a main course which leaves death and destruction and addicts of every kind all over the world.
People use to confess to me placing me in a box of NUNHOOD or SISTERHOOD but in this case I'm making you the PRIEST and I know you wanted a woman that won't make you THE PRIEST but thats where I'm at with everything and my trust almost had the life squeezed out of it and then it comes out like 2 fists banging down on the table of life and people imagine that table breaking in two------a new table they just bought cracking at the seams because the trust of a young girl still lingers in the woman I am and the man I needed to be because my dad didn't protect me. God needed my mother to do her job just that once on that day and she couldn't do it so Heaven had to watch something very terrible happen. Now I can't look at her anymore but I forgive her. If I see her its like getting raped all over again. Thats why I live with my adoptive mother.
I'm telling you all this because I trust you people but I forgot your last name and it made me laugh because its so ordinary.
Why did it take you so long to see me when we live in the same world? Why so many excuses? I felt short changed and ugly because of that.
You are so worried and I am so worried because many years went down the drain for you and more years went down the drain for me.
In my case I met horrible guys who made the Devil look like a saint.
Can't you see I'm trying to fight here?
I'll never give up even in my last breath.
I'll fight the Devil in my last breath
because it belongs to GOD!
I am God's property and so are you
and even if you forget everything else,
YOU REMEMBER TO KEEP BEING GOD'S PROPERTY because Heaven wants you back one day and God doesn't deserve a broken heart. This whole life is a test. This whole life is a marriage to God and we either stay married to him or walk away and disappear to the shadows of darkness.
Even now hes finding a way to give me everything I ever wanted and I'm so damn tired--------I'm exhausted because all I do is run and hide in my imagination and God keeps asking the same question you asked me------
DO you think I'm ugly?
I guess I've been telling God he was ugly for years because I got hurt so bad and got confused to the point I almost forgot what he feels like.
God looks like a sexy man in his soul.
I need to be in love with God's soul to truly see him
because all these faces on the outside are a lie.
Your face and my face is a lie.
I barely looked in your eyes
to see if Jesus was floating around in there.
If I can see Jesus in a man's eyes then that means God is doing his best to be sexy for me
but I keep pushing him away
because I always thought he was suppose to be someone else
but we both know that the other guy is a lie
that I made up in my head
because I thought God was suppose to look like that.
If God ripped his face off.
If God lost both his legs in a car crash.
If God went blind.
If God was covered in sores that will never heal.
If God could only crawl to me from now on.
Would I stand by him this time or would I finally be brave and stop being so selfish about my ridiculous problems?
We are the risk that God is taking and he can only do the best he can like always.
Like any marriage, we have to compromise with God as much as possible and even though he doesn't want to ever let us go we have to share our pain with him and not be a dumb ass and drag the marriage down because it fills us up.
So then the question becomes, do I want a happy marriage with God
or a miserable one with the Devil?
Those are the only 2 choices.
When I figure that out, its the only way God will trust me enough to be with a man because we are all his babies and if he can't put his trust in us and have faith in us, then we will never have his babies because we would keep hurting them over and over again and that would be hurting God as well.
I wish God could stop crying but that is impossible so I should make the effort to wipe away the tears every time I get a chance.
I'm sorry I went too far with God, you, and any other part of the world that is having trouble recuperating from the heavy load I placed on their back.
In my heart I wanted to be able to heal the world but I've always been good at doing the opposite. Thats why I'm not a leader or a follower, but I am still responsible for my actions.
So, may God forgive me for the truth and find a way to use it for his benefit.
A woman like me to wish to be in love will take my faith and the combination of faith and loving prayers of people that are not prejudice to my defective behavior caused by the part of my mind that should be erased but it belongs there because God said I can change it with his help but not overnight.
We are all not overnight, but ("bell bottom blues" ) to work and progress in resolutions that were never beyond our reach but dormant in our subconcious for days that have finally arrived.
If not my moment, then your moment, our moment and their moment and all the moments being born.
SEIZE THE MOMENT WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND PUT THE REST TO THE SIDE FOR GOD.
Jesus bless this message for the journeys of all involved. Amen.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

moving forward with my scars with strength and trust for Jesus Christ seeking happiness and peace.

" My Turn '

The violet stains of my childhood,
You passed without attention,
Because then you would have sacrificed,
Because I would have to mentioned,

The illusions of normalities,
I have always held onto.
I found out your little secrets,
Having no idea what Ive been through,

If I could only make you hurt,
Maybe it would only help me,
Or do I just stuff it down inside,
So that others just cannot see,

You lied about your love,
When you sold me out,
Now I carry these damaged goods,
Stuck without a doubt,

Allowing you to hurt me,
Has started feeling good,
I dont know any better,
And I'll never know if I should,

You could have lifted me up,
Out of this wreched rot,
Maybe too much to ask,
Considering you are all I got..

Now where do I go from here?
Back to where I have always been,
The little boy thats way down deep,
Just looking for a friend...

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Mother , why didn't you stop father?

I know you heard me screaming out in agony.
I know you heard me crying out in pain.
I know you heard everything,
So why didn't you do a thing?

I know you saw the damage that was delt.
I know you saw the bruises from the belt.
I know you saw the scars, so why didn't you stop him?!

A true mother would have interviened,
Stepped in between , protected me.

A true mother would have took us,
Away from the monster who treated us that way.

But you desired to stay for your own personal gain.
While your children lived with the pain.

I hope their lives won't be lost in vain,
Like they were to you, yesturday.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about my childhood days.