I am counting the stars.


Counting how many nights I’ve stayed up hours too late

for someone who will never wake up for me.


Counting on the inevitable truth that I will stop regretting, stop living in the past.


Counting out loud now so maybe someone will know how my mind works, take enough of an interest in it to tell me their name.


Counting the heartbeats and choices that had to line up so in the fall a little past midnight I would find people that got me.


Counting the hours we spend without sleeping, before I really know you, before I really know anything.


Counting on seeing you, day to day, laughing at the things no one would say but you.


Counting the times I walk next to you but never really catch up, never let you look at me.


Counting the pause between you leaning back and running my hands through your hair, you don’t have to push me to fall.


Counting the nights I sit watching you think and cry and agonize, the ways you trust me, the ways I wish I could wish it all away.


Counting the decisions we make every breath, things we know we can break, sitting there shivering until it’s harder to stay than to leave, looking out over the stars.


Counting the love that comes in threads so I don’t leave when I should.


Counting the shards of your skin to make them into habits I might hold for a while.


Counting the times I do not breathe do not blink do not stay here for me but for you.


Counting the ways we scrape, the ways we work.


Counting the ways to word this…

you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 11/7/17

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2010-2012 Poems

Everyone needs a guiding star,
At one point or another in their lives...

The first time I laid my eyes on you,
I knew that there was this profound connection
Between your life and mine.

I could be your star and you could be mine,
Together we'll discover what's more
In this vast, dark universe.

I've laid my eyes on you,
And everything is bright and beautiful.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

(c)jerlin 30May11 @10:12pm, Songkhla, Thailand

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