Life

Cold

I was quite a fool,

And I regret it everyday,

My lack of fortitude,

My lack of industry,

It pains me to think of it

It's true,

This isn't something,

That has much use.

But I must let it out

 

Each day passes with a certain coldness,

Not a chill,

But an iceberg,

Along my spine,

Splintering out into each and every muscle,

And a heat,

Inside my chest,

Confusion in the mind,

Chaos in the body,

The worries, oh the worries.

They fill up my mind,

Taking with it all the oxygen,

It feels as though I'm going to faint,

But I somehow arrive momentarily,

At a calm,

A melancholy calm,

Somewhere,

Resting in the darkness,

There is some warmth,

Some hope,

Some Forgiveness,

It isn't strong enough to fend of the pain,

But just strong enough,

To be noticed,

And oh what a joy it is,

To feel something in me,

Somehow,

Has not given up on me,

It still cares,

Its love is unconditional,

It is beautiful,

I feel blood rush to my cheeks,

A soothing release up the back of my neck,

Thank you.

Whatever you are, holding me together,

Loving me when no one else will,

Thank you.

I will wait out this terribleness,

Until I can feel your embrace once again.

 

 

 

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Sex And The Water( Taste )

Smooth heat rubbed against my lips.
I went close to fetch a kiss and swallowed sips
Drawn from a tongue; fruit, bitten subtly,slow
Because I know I may hurt hers, mine also:
The same I feel is what there maybe is felt too.
Here now, we've came, than frowning me and you
Are holding tight behind our horse's neck
Riding through days and night's weave of starful black
There but I brighten night with all a sunny day;
Death to the lazy and to thee; her chastish ways!
And sky, its whispers blow the cool and quietest,
Fall from cloud rainless while it pours on thee, the first,
Woman of choice of heart struck loudest where it lives
It touches most; it brings the hand, a hand that gives!

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Good Life

Kiss my lips a lover
Give me yourself, will I,
Have it all the good
And a ride, the Sixty-Nine?

Holding on, I cannot wait
Keeping eyes away? No way!
Life is quick at edge; it turns,
The hours to our face

With wind much slow a lapse
Or quick its speed, you find
Much sense, it makes our lives
Aright flowing this way?

Kiss my lips a lover!
Roses open, rosy lips sip
Until we're burning bright,
Clasped me to her tonight.

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Loving You

I call you with all earth, and heavenly names
And love throughout the day's rise and night's fall
Of dusk and dawn planet's turning continue,
To slip the sand of Glass between me and you
Some narrow inlet allows us essence, all,
Of life is love. I'm holding on to thee,
All day and night, the winds that pierce through me
I sense them, it's an emotion in fire;
Roused all the deep singers, heard loud a choir,
The song, a dream at night, at morn, a reverie.
She's the day, she's the month toil all the year,
She's the thought ,she's an only echo I hear,
She's the duty, she's all a langour in me,
She's the life, she's death in my own history!

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Cleaving Both Of Us

My life and yours both are together
And days, more or less, shall take us further
Through, as when wind find out a way
Among the dense past, future long always
Is where within our lives revolve the better
And worse seen life all the way it is,
Now and forever more.

Forgiving goes but forgetting holds
The brain whose sleep it cannot remember
But heartbeats hit upon one other strongly
Till soft can feel your Human sympathy,
The love which healing you cannot deny;
Warm-blood living, whoever is, still cries,
Now and forever more.

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A Dying Hymn

Folder: 
Satish Verma

Your face had only the 
eyes, when you flew backwards, 
hovering like a humming bird. 

There was no absolute, 
hoisting the beheaded god. 
In transience I will meet you 
in air and shed the body. 

In mouth-hole you put 
all your wisdom, to bisect the 
virgin house. Violence creeps into 
the roses. They droop and bleed. 

I will talk to burgundy-black 
moon, not to leave footprints on 
my face. My lips are going to 
catch the stolen kisses.

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Social Life + Work + Stubborn = Life (Short Essay)

Folder: 
Short Essays

People think I’m crazy when I have two jobs, and think that it is wrong of me to take a day off from my full time job. That it is all on me that I do this and all. But in reality, they do not understand the truth. 

 

People are always judging the book cover rather then the contents. They do not understand what really happens within the book chapters or the story. 

 

Reason I work a lot is because if I stay home, I will fall asleep all day. I understand for some that is not a bad problem; but for others it is.  And since living alone, boredom gets to me bad. Yea, i could go “out” and unborn me... but to where? Mall...been there. Movies...been there. Parks....yes & no (especially not when it is cold out).  

What other people do not understand, is that I have anxiety (and some depression)... so going out is a challenge for me as well. Which is why I rather work then to going out out. With this “mental” issue, if I were to stay home...then I’d nap all day. Which I do not want to get into that habit again (used to take 3 hour naps).

 

Social gatherings? Yea, I could do that as well. But when you are an adult in my age (sector), it is harder to make new friends as well. Yea, there are social media gatherings for meet-ups... which I used to do when Yahoo! Chat was still a thing. But it was a struggle for me. 

 

Part of the issues was growing up when friends (so I thought they were) didn’t want to meet up/hang out because I lived “too far away”...yep, I was told this once (when I was a teen in HS) or they went away for the weekend or “their” idea was better, but not mine (and in college). So a lot of the times I gave up hanging out with people even though I still want to. Now most are either too busy or I am too busy or something is up (not that it is a bad thing, but I respect those who have families). 

As we grow older, our “friend group” gets smaller than from when we were kids. Which is why I have Facebook, Instagram, etc... to keep in touch with some friends; even if I don’t hang out with them since they are indeed too far. And even then, unknown if we would though due to different schedules. 

 

Just trying to explain to love ones or friends all this....I know they are there for me. But to what end? Do I need to quit a job to see them? Do I need to move on? I’m not much of reading books, because I will fall asleep (always have); my anxiety hits each time I want to “go out” and explore new places & ideas and laziness hits me. So, I rather work sometimes rather then be bored all the time. 

And then I re-question life and the cycle goes around again. I question:

 

Who am I? Why am I here? Who are we? Who are they? What do you want? 

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Gracefully

A lake walk, 
in the forest of limbs. 

Like the blind man said, 
I can hear the truth. 

It was more of a ritual 
to sit in intense moonlight 
when seagulls were stealing the sky… 

And you will belong- 
to the darkness, of unknowing- 
self. 

Knowing the inevitable end, 
that will come, uninvited.

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I Don't Need A Better Day (after Neil Hilborn)

Folder: 
2018

I don’t need a better day

I need better fingers

to twist it and turn the smoke into art

I need to push the bitter out of my mouth.

 

I don’t need a better day

I need a better mind

I need a safe view where I don’t have to duck the bullets

where I can see the whole sky full of nothing I’m missing.

 

I don’t need a better hand

I need a better head

to hold you like you want

to make everything I’ve broken

whole again.

 

I don’t need a different way to love you

I need to wrap it around the words I say

like forever isn’t quite half the time I want here.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 9/4/18

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