Would like some brutal honesty and critique for my poetry :)

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SufferingTheSilence's picture
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Joined: 2016/05/22

 

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock
Craziness, surrounds my head
I see these things, but they're all dead
I try to think, in clearer eyes
But it's all disguised
Within my mind

These things are hazy
They cloud my vision
It makes it a hell of a lot
Harder, to keep on livin'
I can't take no more of
The confusing system

Screw the doctors
Screw my head
Screw the people 
That want me dead

I make some friends,
But everyone
Seems to think they're dead
But they are here
They helped me
Live through life and helped stay fed

What, don't you believe me?

Don't ignore my friends. 

Hospital here.
Hospital there.
They tell me I'm crazy
But that's not true

It's real to me
Just not real to you
It exists inside my head,
So they are true

I'm right
And your wrong
Just accept my friends
And move on

You're crazy
Not me
Just leave us alone
And let us be

My eyes are my claim to life
I feel and breathe
But you, so are much different than me

I fight this war of reality
But the doctor doesn't believe me
What is this curse?
Why do I have it?
Does it hurt anyone else?
Is there a way to stop it?
Why can't I see
With everyone else
And why can't anyone
Just let me be

My classmates call me crazy
Tell me to stop it
Call me a psycho
Who needs to be dead
 
Emotional punching bag
that's my title
 

Call me a school shooter,
An untrustworthy bitch,
a crazy girl to be dismissed

I'm tired of this
I'm gonna close my eyes
And rest in blood
The daynight's blooming
And here comes the flood
Rip the reaper 
My time has come
Take me in, God,
And wash me with your sun
 
Also, I would like to know you guys's interpretation on the meaning of it :)
yoda's picture
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Joined: 2000/06/27
a reply

this was very emotional for me, for reasons that i felt i had a connection with, in a medical sense,

then a sense where you seem to say, a focus of eyes and mind are in conflict.

 

also the sense of wanting to die, and death, and all.

 

yet this empathy, emotive, opening of a scribe, is commendable as an artistic release, and allows other scribes to feel they are not alone. 

 

thats my view, i cant do grammar checks and all.

 

id like to hear what you think. 

Tom
Tom's picture
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Joined: 2016/11/08
As far as the poem is

As far as the poem is concerned I would give it a "C".  It would be more digestable if it rhymed throughout.  The meaning is simple.  You have no friends.  You have no one to love.  You have no one to love you.  You feel like to don't have control over your life.  This will never change.  It is how we deal with it that matters.  Love affairs come and go.  Friends come and go.  The key is to love yourself.  That is easier said than done.  Find things that make you happy with yourself.  What makes you happy? What gives you joy?  Find people who will accept you as you are.  Let me give you an analogy.  I have friends that are nudists.  They frequent nude beach, and nude campgrounds.  For them this has almost nothing to do with sex, or sexual arousal.  It is about being with people who accept them as they are.  In an enviorment like that it would be considered extremely rude to make any rude comments about how someone looks.  Young people are vicious and rude.  Hell our  new President is vicious and rude.  Drugs and alcohol will only make things worse.  I don't laugh very easily.  The TV show "Big Bang Theory" makes me laugh out loud.  I don't watch that much television.  Sitcoms are usually stupid.  That TV show makes me laugh.  It's just a little thing.  It seems to help.  Don't give up on yourself.  Don't give up on the idea that you can meet people who will accept you as you are.  Music can help.  Sometimes listening to sad songs can lift you up.  It's called the "Blues".  It makes us understand that we're all going through the same shit.  You are not the only one to ever feel tremendous emotional pain.  Listen to "How Many Friends", by the Who.  Listen to the lyrics.  It's on Youtube.  Listen to "Too Late the Hero", by John Entwistle.  Listen to the lyrics.    

SSmoothie's picture
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Joined: 2007/11/11
50 shades of brutal "Feed back"

What I got from it trying to get into a schizophrenics head (personas or imaginary friends) but only as an empathizer, observer. It lacks 'real' depth and is immature as far as the chosen words. so I'm guessing you're young ish. I get a watered down Harley Quinn meets columbine if you will.  what I didn't like apart from the above is that the repetition although had potential it felt like it was a filler. There's some badass lines but some weak ones that dilute the work for me. Structure is good because it sets the reader up for when you break it giving a static unstableness that hints at what is to come. It ends very deathly and dark and then is hopeful calling on God yet bathing in blood. It needed more subtlety to match the theme and ideas running through the poem.  I see the juxtaposition here and that can be a great thing. But we're not on to what I liked yet are we? So the My eyes are my claim to life line is great but it doesn't belong in here might have to save it for another poem it's clunky and doesn't need to be there. Some places read more like a dialogue than poetic writings and that's the key the art in the writing whether it be the lyrical phrase or the twisted idea or contrast similar or metaphor. You see if you're gonna bathe in blood you should allude to the idea it's theirs or maybe it's yours? Leave ita little more open to interpretation. If it's about redemption calling on God then it needs a little more apathy to ring out the irony and the justopositions you've set out. What I did like is the way you described what others see and defending your reality. Some excellent lines and lethal combos but it's saying too much and it's too long. Try paring it down to the bare essentials that you want to leave the reader with and make those images powerful because some lines and verses are amazing but they need to shine not be swallowed up in xtraneous details and restating ideas. My fav verses were in order from top to bottom

 

1 2 3 4 56 78 10 12 13 14 15 but the order could change a bit think about if it's in the right spot does it give the feeling you want? Read it as if you don't know it with fresh eyes and really listen to the description of the imagery as if you were someone else how might they hear it? 

 

Here re for example I've switched some verses around and left out some bits. So youcan see what kind of ways you could play with it in the refitting if you chose. Of course if you love it just as it is ignore any of my comments or suggestions as the most important person to be happy with it is you. Write to please yourself not others. That said:

 

Tick, tock, click lock, tick, tock, tick, tock
Craziness, surrounds (buzzes around) my head
I see these things, but they're all dead?

These things are hazy
They cloud my vision
It makes it a hell of a lot
Harder, to keep on livin'
I can't take no more of
The confusing system
 
i try think with clearer eyes 
But it's all disguised
Within my mind
 
Screw the doctors
Screw my head


I make some friends,
But everyone
Seems to think they're dead
But they are here
They helped me
Live through life and helped stay fed
 
Screw the people 
That want me dead!

What, don't you believe me?

Don't ignore my friends. 

Hospital here.
Hospital there.
They tell me I'm crazy

But that's not true

It's real to me
Just not real to you.

I'm right
And you're wrong!
Just accept my friends
And move on

You're crazy
Not me
Just leave us alone
And let us be

I fight this war of reality
But the doctor doesn't believe me
What is this curse?
Why do I have it?
Does it hurt anyone else?

Is there a way to stop it? 
 
Why can't I see
With everyone else
And why can't anyone
Just let me be?
 
Emotional punching bag
that's my life 


My classmates call me crazy
Tell me to stop it
Call me a psycho
Who needs to be dead

 
An untrustworthy bitch,
a crazy girl to be dismissed
 I'm tired of this
Call me the school shooter,

I'm gonna close my eyes
And rest in blood
The daylight's blooming
here comes the flood
 
My time has come
Take me in.
 
i hope that was suitably brutal enough? No harm intended peace and love cheers SS.
 

Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS    

"Well, it's life SIMS, but not as we know it" - ¡$&am

yoda's picture
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Joined: 2000/06/27
on comments

aftering reading your comments on this, i was intrigued to ask if / how you can train or condition oneself to paring words down, 

 

do you get the words out whilst writing them, then reread and edit,

or can you somehome form a way of saying the same thing mentally, in say metaphors of expression. and 

or personification, was this then how the Romantics poets movement progressed?

 

 

SSmoothie's picture
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Joined: 2007/11/11
Yep you got it! Krep playing

Yep you got it! Krep playing with it bit by bit verse by verse order of verse keep reading and re reading then get rid of the ands but to into out of or little words or broken up words into a shorter metaphor or description for impact. Dont pair down words if you like them rather look at the whole style of the poem and keep it unified but not necessarily uniform :) cheers ss os it gets easier 

 

Spew the maon ideas out first then go back over it. :)

Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS    

"Well, it's life SIMS, but not as we know it" - ¡$&am

SufferingTheSilence's picture
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Joined: 2016/05/22
Thank you so much for the

Thank you so much for the feedback! <3 I appreciate the time you took to write this out