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WEIGHT PROBLEM

(T. Beechey)



A lot of people say to me they think that I've gained weight

They tell me if I don't stop it, it soon will be too late

I tell them what they're saying is just a load of bunk

"I haven't gained weight," I tell them, "all my pants just shrunk."



They claim I make excuses and won't admit I'm fat

They recommend all these diet plans --- "hey, get on this or that"

I thank them all for their concern, then go back to watching MONK

Cause I don't have a weight problem, all my pants just shrunk



I left them in the dryer for longer than I should

I forgot I left them in there...hey, come on now, I could!

I got busy doing other things and didn't realize

Until I went and took them out and they lost an entire size



They're serious when they tell me this, they even plead and beg

They send me stuff from Richard Simmons and from Jenny Craig

And all of it gets filed away in the drawer I've labeled "junk"

Cause I don't have a weight problem, all my pants just shrunk



They try to give me shakes to drink and to swallow all these pills

We go back and forth, head-to-head, it's really a test of wills

But I don't let them get me down, they won't put me in a funk

Cause I don't have a weight problem. all my pants just shrunk



I left them in the dryer for longer than I should

I forgot I left them in here...hey, come on now, I could!

I got lost in the moments when the sun sets and rises

And I forgot till I took them out and they lost two entire sizes



They think by calling me hurtful names like “tub-o-lard” and “blimp”

And imitating the way I walk with a waddle and a limp

That somehow they'll convince me that I am a shapeless hunk

But I don't have a weight problem, all my pants just shrunk



So, here's a message to them all: you think you're doing well

And I really love every one of you more than I can tell

But please do me a favor --- stop acting like a punk

I DO NOT HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM, ALL MY PANTS JUST SHRUNK!



I left them in the dryer for longer than I should

I forgot I left them in there...hey, come on now, I could!

I fell asleep and was dreaming of dressing in disguises

And I woke up and took them out and they lost three entire sizes