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This is my letter to you to say all of the things that I have wanted to say but struggle to let out. Because of you I am weaker and unable to speak my mind. 

To my former partner,

I don't even know where to begin. 

I am so heartbroken. 

Every day I feel at a loss.

Where did it all go wrong. 

Did it start off of false pretenses that we were dating.

Well I was dating.

You were doing you. 

The last few months of my life have changed drastically. 

I have opened my eyes to more than I can ever unsee.

It all started due to my cousin confiding in me that you were talking to other girls.

I didn't believe it to be true and decided to have a discussion with you. 

The accusations and hostility that came with it was appaling. 

I couldn't believe the way you were behaving. Almost 7 years together and i've never seen this side.

I chose to believe you and left the accusations up to jealousy and believe your words to be true like any good partner would do.

A part of me felt unresolved.

I started to glance at the lock screen on your phone. 

I've seen at least 5 girls messaging you on the daily. 

You barely fucking message me back how do you have time to speak with these women. 

These women asking for money. 

These women saying they can't wait to see you. 

I stay reserved and step back until I have enough things to have another discussion. 

I never thought I would ever look.

I looked at your bank statement. 

Why are you sending these girls money. Why are you sending so much. So frequent. What are you getting out of this?

I keep it all inside until it rages out. I keep my calm while I discuss my concerns. 

You admit to buying pictures after lying to me about sending money. 

You have some bullshit story about who you sent flowers to.

You become so focused on me invading your privacy you fail to see that you lied to me.

Lied to me straight to my face. 

You tell me to get it all out that if were still here in another month you can't deal with this.

How did your wrongdoings become my guilt to bear.

How is this my fault. 

I did wrong and looked but I had a gut feeling on my side. It proved me right.

You said to me your not sure if it is cheating by sending and receiving pics. It's not cheating to pay for them.

I told you to me it is. I told you that porn is fine when you know the girls it is different to me. 

Plus there are plenty of websites for free and me. WTF.

I wasn't clear how the conversation ended. 

I was fine for a week.

Now I'm back at my lowest of low. 

Feeling invisible. 

Feeling unseen.

I feel your energy and moods shifting.

I get the courage to ask you why your not messaging me lately. I see your active on FB but can't even reply. You made an effort one day. The next was the same.

I get the courage to discuss our sex life. 

I use to at least give you favors during the week maybe sex once during the week that hasn't happended you have been turning me down

I ask even though my gut knows

Your suprised by my question

You think it over and say it's no fun for you if your getting pleasured

when the fuck did that start to matter

I make sexual jokes to you all day long and reference wanting something more and you seem interested and then your not

I tell you I feel disconnected from you

You didn't even say anything

The last time we made love I didn't feel anything for you

I am too comfortably numb

I am putting on this act and this smile 

I am drowing in my sorrows and despair trying to hold onto a relationship that isn't even there

I don't know what I want 

What I need 

I recently found out you logged into my computer and your account is still logged in 

I found out by mistake no ill intention

you won't see it this way

curiousity and my crazy got the best of me

the insecurity you created that i honestly never had before

I seen recent messages again with women 

with some of the same girls

recent ish cash apps with these girls

dating profile apps

messages about meeting up with some girls

going back years and years not recent at all

I thought I would be suprised 

I don't know if I'm shocked or just complety over it

You can't have me and all of these other options

Am I good for your current pick

Because i'm a great mom

is that the only reason

I couldn't feel further from you

couldn't feel so disgusted 

Where the fuck did the trust end

I would have never thought in million years this is you

who are you

who did i fall in love with

you narcassictic asshole 

why have you chose to do this to me

why wouldn't you leave

obviously you have options go be with that bitch I don't want you

I've never given you reason to not trust me

I have been messaging someone

Since the first moment of distrust

would you even fucking care 

I doubt it 

I felt that if you were going to hurt me I wanted to hurt you

doing the act or the deed was not in me

I can't knowing i'm still attached even though your not 

I have never been so fucking low in my life 

I am so sad 

devistated

heartbroken

I need to move on

How the fuck do you keep me holding on

Damn these kids that I care for so much

I am so fucking sad for them

They didn't deserve this

I didn't deserve this

I know I'm not perfect

distant at times

cold hearted at times 

my love has never been questioned can i say the same for you

I am so fucking sad and low

I need to choose what path i'm going on

I think I need to be on my own.

-thoughts from a broken woman