which is to say



magic. do you remember believing in magic? i remember it better than i remember how to tell you what i want. which is to say i hardly remember it at all.



old photocopies. old handprints. i am spinning, i am wearing the worst outfits i chose myself, i exist in these worlds. which is to say once i was that girl. i don’t recall the shift.



last night i had a dream none of my clothes fit anymore and they chased me down the driveway until i stopped running. which is to say this is how i see myself. i can’t remember when i stopped being that girl.



this morning i tried to choose the right colors and slip into the right curves to pull your eyes to me. my mirror smiles as if to say she loves me while she simply tells me what i want to hear. nice try. which is to say i am still looking for someone to be as constant as she is. i am still looking for that much needed slap in the face that still feels like a hug. i am looking for answers.



one day the claws inside me started reaching for everyone i saw on the street. and i read it as fear or pure animal attraction. which is to say what is the difference? in the deep dark pit of my human i just want their eyes on me.



when everyone else is asleep i make my worst decisions. my heart squeezes morse code pleadings: why? again? which is to say deep down i don’t understand love. i can’t even spell its name in my own language.



if mom called right now she would tell me it was bedtime. which is to say another night passes backwards and i still can’t tell.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 12/27/20

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life_used_to_be_lifelike's picture

I fucking love this. There is

I fucking love this. There is so much emotion and pain in the lines and also in between the lines. great job. 

"It is a terrible thing to be so open. It is as if my heart put on a face and walked into the world" -- Sylvia Plath.