PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

Damoclese’s Sword

By jfarrell

(yep, I probably spelt it wrong and I too drunk to care ;-) )

Stuff happened when I was 5;

“Most abusers were abused themselves….”;

At 3 weeks short of 50,

Is it any wonder I never had a family?

My dad was weak;

“It wasn’t me, it was the booze”

As he beat the crap outta us,

To make himself feel a ‘man’.

Like my dad, I’m a drunk;

Would I beat my wife and kids?

I don’t know, I never took the risk.

Having no-one, I can hurt only me.

Uncle Brian took me, and my cousin, to our first football match;

We got lots of toys and sweets to play with his thinggy.

“Wanna go camping in Wales?” a different country? “Yeah, please”

‘Wales’ was a dark, dirty bedsit, in London.

With a lotta pain and ugliness.

All my life, I’ve been waiting….

To see a 5 year old, 6, 7, 8 year old

And think,

“Hey, I’m turned on, I’m sexually attracted.”

“97% of abusers were, themselves, victims of abuse…..”

Sorry, still dead, libido wise; nothing makes it twitch;

Maybe, when I turn 50, in 3 weeks time ,

I’ll, suddenly, turn into a paedophile.

I, once, believed, totally, that I’d never be a drunk;

Never take drugs;

Weed may not be the hardest of drugs, but I won’t let go;

And, today, being a drunk, is my only pride.

“97% of abusers were victims……”

Would I have abused my daughter? My son? Sexually?

Would I have beat my wife to keep her silent?

Having no-one, I can hurt only me.

And being this alone hurts.

So much

I would.. could… inflict the pain I suffered…

They TELL me, it’s my destiny, my future….

“97% of……”

However, PATHETIC, pointless, my life seems…

I’m still better than them!

I’ve never beaten my wife.

I’ve never beaten, or sexually interfered, with my children;

Having no-one, I can hurt only me.

And I can hurt me ;-)

Cutting; overdose; slashed wrists; hanging….

Alcohol…..

I’M ONLY HURTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m 50 just before xmas (2 days);

This….. expectation… like an arrow, over my head….

“97%……..)

I beat my dad. I beat my rapist.

After 50 years, please, someone, take this fate from me…

Because, I really, really want, to only ever hurt me.