Damoclese’s Sword

Damoclese’s Sword

By jfarrell


(yep, I probably spelt it wrong and I too drunk to care ;-) )


Stuff happened when I was 5;

“Most abusers were abused themselves….”;

At 3 weeks short of 50,

Is it any wonder I never had a family?


My dad was weak;

“It wasn’t me, it was the booze”

As he beat the crap outta us,

To make himself feel a ‘man’.


Like my dad, I’m a drunk;

Would I beat my wife and kids?

I don’t know, I never took the risk.

Having no-one, I can hurt only me.


Uncle Brian took me, and my cousin, to our first football match;

We got lots of toys and sweets to play with his thinggy.

“Wanna go camping in Wales?” a different country? “Yeah, please”

‘Wales’ was a dark, dirty bedsit, in London.


With a lotta pain and ugliness.


All my life, I’ve been waiting….

To see a 5 year old, 6, 7, 8 year old

And think,

“Hey, I’m turned on, I’m sexually attracted.”


“97% of abusers were, themselves, victims of abuse…..”

Sorry, still dead, libido wise; nothing makes it twitch;

Maybe, when I turn 50, in 3 weeks time ,

I’ll, suddenly, turn into a paedophile.


I, once, believed, totally, that I’d never be a drunk;

Never take drugs;

Weed may not be the hardest of drugs, but I won’t let go;

And, today, being a drunk, is my only pride.


“97% of abusers were victims……”

Would I have abused my daughter? My son? Sexually?

Would I have beat my wife to keep her silent?

Having no-one, I can hurt only me.


And being this alone hurts.


So much


I would.. could… inflict the pain I suffered…

They TELL me, it’s my destiny, my future….

“97% of……”

However, PATHETIC, pointless, my life seems…


I’m still better than them!

I’ve never beaten my wife.

I’ve never beaten, or sexually interfered, with my children;

Having no-one, I can hurt only me.


And I can hurt me ;-)

Cutting; overdose; slashed wrists; hanging….


I’M ONLY HURTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I’m 50 just before xmas (2 days);

This….. expectation… like an arrow, over my head….


I beat my dad. I beat my rapist.


After 50 years, please, someone, take this fate from me…


Because, I really, really want, to only ever hurt me.  


Author's Notes/Comments: 


have i not earned more?

proven myself trustworthy.....

more than a beast? inhuman? incapable?

after 50 years?....


these are the hands we are dealt...

and i am doing my best to be better


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SSmoothie's picture

What a magnificent

What a magnificent tribulation over evil and to live at half a century with no shame on the hands of your innocence. Incredible! I am in awe. Profoundly wonderfull sacrifice. Im going to pray for you so hard to wipe the pain cleaner every day for you to look veyond what was done and into what greatness you are and enjoy life with the passion you deserve! Amen! 

Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS    

"Well, it's life SIMS, but not as we know it" - ¡$&am