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We went back to his

After I met him on the town

He didn’t have a condom

I gave him a frown



We’d both been drunk

But we really got on

He said there was chemistry

His words were a con



He’d managed to persuade me

We got down dirty and did it

Afterwards I lay there

Didn’t feel right one bit



About ten minutes later

He got up and left

Didn’t even look at me

I felt so bereft



I sat up and cried

Cried without rest

I had to get home

So I got myself dressed



I sprinted home

Make-up streaming

Six miles later

Got home screaming



Screaming and crying

To my mum

I told her what happened

My body felt numb



A few days later

I still couldn’t rest

I knew what was needed

The dreaded pregnancy test.



I went down quite early

Feeling nervous and tense

Walking past people’s houses

Strumming fingers on their fence



I bought two tests

Just to be sure

My body was shaking

Right to its core



I carried out a test

And waited a few

How would I know?

I hadn’t a clue



I read the box

At that coloured key

Blue meant I was pregnant

And red meant I was free



I waited and waited

A colour began to appear

Was it blue or was it red…

My eyes filled with fear



The test faded blue

I didn’t know what to think

I dropped the test on the floor

I couldn’t even blink.



I’d got myself together

After a short while

I had to call the father

I was still in denial.



I rang him up

And told him the news

He screamed down the phone

He blew a fuse



He said he didn’t want me to have it

And if I did, he’d disown it

“You shouldn’t have it anyway.” He said

“As a parent, you’re not fit.”



I slammed down the phone

Maybe he was right

But I’ve dreamt of this moment forever

Holding my baby tight.



Granted I should be older

But what’s done is done

I can’t turn back time now

Maturity had begun



I hate him for what he said

How dare he make me feel like that

He had no right

Stupid little twat



Now I wanted to have it

Just to prove him wrong

All of this I’ve wanted

Wanted for so long



I have to stop being selfish

What about the baby?

I can handle it by myself

Can’t I?..Maybe



Who am I kidding?

I can’t support it

Even if I gave up everything

Might just afford a bed sit



Nothing else though

That’s no way to live

My dream has too many holes in it

Draining like a sieve.



I have to really sit down

And weigh up my options

I could always have it

And give it up for adoption



But could they care as much as they say?

And give it the life it needs?

I’d hate it not to be me

To whom its innocent life feeds.



I’ve come to a decision

It might not be the right choice

I’m going to abort it

There was a niggling voice



This voice told me not to

That I’d regret it forever

It was getting to me

I won’t forget the feeling ever



Like I was pure evil

For going ahead with this

When it was over

I felt pure bliss



Bliss because it was over

Now I could move on

That’s what I thought anyway

Reality was gone



It wasn’t over at all

It was always on my mind

Anger, guilt and grievance

Was making me feel blind



I couldn’t even sleep

And definitely couldn’t talk

In fact, after a while

I didn’t want to walk



I’d lie in bed for days

Without a care in the world

I was seeing my daughter at prom

Looking gorgeous as she twirled



Sometimes it was a boy

He’d be playing sports

Everything down to the last detail

Dirt was on his shorts



Ten weeks had gone by

And still no less depressed

I looked at myself in the mirror

Punched and smashed lest.



I ran and stumbled to the bathroom

And emptied the medicine drawer

I looked for the most harmful pills

Got them, and closed the door



I didn’t take one

I didn’t take two

I emptied the whole tub

Was time to pay my dues



I lay down in the bath tub

With more pills in my hand

I swallowed them too

All according to plan



I lay there and waited

What had I become?

All of this was deserved

I should have been a mum.







02-01-2010