[after Constantine Cavafy's poem, "Days Of 1908"]
1
His long hair, cascading below his shoulders,
identified him, to your parents at least, as a
"hippie," a lazy good-for-nothing, and most
probably a communist or some other kind of
subversive. They deemed him a hillbilly, too
(their prejudices, vigorously held and
vociferously expressed were directed toward this
labeled group, as well), because of his exquisite
skill in the repair of cars. He flaunted their
standards of appearance as well: on warm days,
shirtless; always clad in dirty, grease-stained
blue jeans, and charcoal gray socks (oh yes,
always charcoal gray socks) and very conspicuously
(even militantly) shoeless. You, and several of
your neighborhood peers, liked to park your bikes
under the shade of a tree across the street from
his parents' residences, to gaze at him (with no
silly inhibitions about staring, or loitering in
front of someone else's home) as he worked on
his own car, or that of some relative or friend
who had sought his assistance. Sometimes, you
were able to watch him without the companionship of
others: free of their chatter, and tin-shrill
music of the AM radios that most of you carried in
those days, you were able to concentrate your
entire and undivided attention upon him. Your
thoughts about him, at that stage in your life,
imagined only what it might be like to be held,
safely and eagerly, in those strong arms; although,
more and more often that season, you wondered what
he might look like almost naked---with just his
socks on. What might be done about that, or how it
might blossom into something more, was, as yet,
beyond your knowledge. When he smiled at you (and
that was quite frequently), you felt your knee
joints temporarily buckle, with an accompanying
sensation in your groin (not like having to pee,
but somehow adjacent to that---you thought). Eighteen
years old to your eleven, he knew that he was not
permitted to touch you, not even in the most
innocuous way (especially considered your parents, to
whom almost any gesture was, in some way, inappropriate).
Even then, you had already learned to despise them for
their adamant opinions and you silently cursed the
droll smuglies in your state's legislature whose laws
said that he must not love you, as it could only
result in statutory rape.
2
Even in a village like yours, in a rural township in
which seasons change like clothes, and prejudices
retain the hardened sturdiness of granite headstones,
some circumstances intervene. Those were the Viet
Nam years; and you dreaded that possibility of the
draft taking him to be verbally battered by some
damned drill instructor, then murdered in a jungle
where the ultimate conclusion was already becoming
apparent. But he was not summoned: Neighbor Doris
mentioned something, at the bridge club one night,
about a suspicion of Homosexuality. "But he can
"repair almost any car engine ever manufactured,"
your father exclaimed in candid disbelief. "Homos
"have infiltrated everywhere," Neighbor Doris
suggested (and her assertions were commonly, back
then, believed to be authoritative). Then, a
move away transpired: his whole family---parents,
himself, and two younger brothers (both of them
almost as beautiful as he was)---quickly and
fully vanished, and the house stood empty for at
least three or four months. "No one wants to
"live where a Homo has lived," Neighbor Doris
said, her confidant tone sounding very knowledgeable.
3
Less than a week after your eighteenth birthday, you
drove across the county to the vicinity's premiere
shopping mall to spend your grandmother's very
generous gift. Leaning against a vintage, and rather
decrepit looking, vehicle, he seemed to be just
passing the time, perhaps waiting for someone.
His blue tee had already begun to accumulate the
grease and grime stains of car repair; his jeans, as
before, were already full of it; and no shoes confined
his feet, still sheathed in charcoal gray socks.
When his eyes met yours, and you knew you were
immediately recognized (quite a change for you,
having been mostly ignored in high school), you
felt the deluge of all the former feelings, now
raised to an exponential degree by the erotic
intimations that your adolescence (with a very
active curiosity and a surreptitious delight in the
kind of Poetry---Vergil's, Cavafy's---that numerous
authority figures had deemed "inappropriate")---had
revealed to you since that rather memorable summer
after seventh grade. I think he knew, at that
moment, exactly how you felt; and, in that awareness,
your soul and his achieved that first connection.
Just a couple of hours later, in his bed, he---naked
except for his socks---bestowed upon you (and your
eagerly receptive sensual circlers; and your
pulse-bobbing tumescent pleasurer) delights that
were (and still are) wholly satisfactory to your
innate desires; and the e'lations of your sweetness
were almost simultaneous to his; and, in the
reassuring comfort of his embrace, your soul and his
converged . . . .
Starward
[*/+/^]
I wanted to comment on this
I wanted to comment on this earlier, but I needed to rest in order to give it the attention it deserves.
Flashes of Cavafy shimmer in this soft-sculpted adventure that captures the full persona of the Beloved, not just his appearance. He is the embodiment of peaceful dissent, fearless nonconformity and genuine kindness.
I would say that the strong undercurrent in this fulfilling, coming-of-age watershed moment is acceptance. The one being addressed (the second-person POV adds an important layer of intimacy and empathy here) finds much more than mind-blowing pleasure in the milestone event, but an awakening on a soul level. For the first time he gives himself permission to be who he is. This, it is implied, changes everything. This is the lifetime payoff for waiting, for defying societal norms that were brutally stringent like "the hardened sturdiness of granite headstones" in those days and for putting love above all else.
Written with engaging beauty, bravery and life-altering power. Well done!
I am so very grateful for
I am so very grateful for your always accurate interpretations---and this one, especially, because this poem proceeds from fact and truth, rather than poetic fiction. This whole series exists because of your encouragement; and your continuing comments validate my efforts, so that I may proceed forward.
And I am very, very glad you saw some flashes of Cavafy (to borrow your fine words). That you mentioned him touches me at the deepest level.
Starward