FOR THE DAD I NEVER HAD

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JOURNAL#1

I wish I had a dad

to have a dad would be so rad

I look like him I'm told

I even resemble his actions some ten fold

I wish he and I could talk about anything just once

why, I could live on that very thought for months

maybe that's why I've been so weird as of late

I wonder as a daughter to him how I would rate

I think my dad and I could be friends

we'd probably like the same kind of jokes and

current trends

mom says occasionally I'm like him in a lot of ways

the way he was in his younger days

I wish he could be alive again

even if only for just one day

then maybe he and I could just take a long walk

together or simply just clown around and play

I'm very lonely right now

I wish I had my dad to hold me for awhile

I never knew him but still I miss  having him around

these past few years this I have frightfully found

there are so many things I'd like to ask him like

what was mom like when she was my age?

he knew her then

I wish I knew why, I can talk to mom

but I don't I've always been afraid to ask her

personal questions about my father

I guess I've always been afraid she would say she

doesn't want to talk about him and that it's just

too much of a bother

I love my mom very much! Don't get me wrong

I just wish daddy was here to help support us

and her and occasionally be the one to be strong

mom has had it so rough

she's had to be tough

I want someone to love me

the real me

and sort of fill that empty place that my not having

a father has left

I feel so terribly, desperately lonely and bereft

I feel left out

I can't remember him

but everyone else can

to my own knowledge I never  even held his hand

I wish I knew what his voice sounded like

calling my name

what he looked like when he got up in the morning

and maybe even if he knew how to roller skate

or change a pipe in the kitchen drain

it would be neat to just wake up one summer morning

and see him mowing the lawn

and sometimes its so hard to believe he's never been

here to my memory

and yet he'll always be gone...........

(written Oct 29,1988)


Author's Notes/Comments: 

had had a bad break up and was really missing not having a father to talk to me and tell me that guy was a dope for letting me go and what a wonderful woman I was and how lucky some future man would be to have me. Crazy to admit but that was how I was feeling.

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