The Penis Gourd and Future Leader of the Free World

~The Penis Gourd and Future Leader of the Free World~


When Lila moved to Kimberly, Idaho from western Oregon she brought along penis gourd seeds. She stuck them in the ground alongside the long, white, plank fence on her property line between her yard and the road. The penis gourd grew well, and soon the fence was covered with bumpy, penis-shaped gourds about three inches in diameter and ten inches long. Lila always seemed to be smiling. The neighbors took notice.


Early one morning, three women who teach at the Kimberly high school were jogging by Lila's fence and naturally noticed the penis gourds. It being predawn darkish, and the gourds so plentiful, one of the teachers dared to swipe one. The three of them giggled as they jogged on. Lila watched through a window as this occurred, and continued to smile. 


The next morning when the three teachers, Meg, Judy, and Carol met for their jog, Meg and Judy noticed that Carol, the one who took the penis gourd, wore a particularly pleasant smile, and asked her what was going on. 


"The gourd is--really good."


She continued to smile as they jogged down the road.


The next morning, Meg and Judy, tempted by curiosity, each snatched a penis gourd as they jogged by Lila's fence. Lila witnessed the theft, and let go an endearing chuckle.


And so, the smiling commenced among the teachers, and soon, having shared the secret of the penis gourd with several female friends and relations, and having gotten acquainted with Lila who blessed their penis gourd thievery, the smiles of women sprouted all over the quiet town of Kimberly, Idaho. Contentment also took hold, and the women encouraged their men to go out and do things they liked to do on their own. The women assured their menfolk they would be fine. 


Both bars in Kimberly became much busier than usual, with predominantly men getting together to play pool, shuffle board, darts, and an occassional backroom game of Texas hold'em poker. Fishing tackle sales went way up, as boats made lines at the two gas stations to fuel. A men's baseball league was started, and kids got to know their fathers much better than they ever had before. Kimberly was always a good town to live in, but now, since the arrival of Lila's penis gourd, no one could remember a better summer. 


Kimberly, Idaho doesn't really have four seasons. It pretty much just has two because spring and fall are very abbreviated. Winter usually jumps right into its summer suit, and summer into its winter coat. Such was the case that year, so, as the cold of winter increased, the remaining penis gourds wilted, and what was left of them fell to the ground to shrivel away. Winter would last for several months. 


As the men of Kimberly began staying home, more, the women chose to embrace them, and embrace them they did. The women still smiled, and the men smiled more.  There was a baby-boom in Kimberly, Idaho, that year, and one of those babies grew up to become the president of the United States. 


D. B. Tompsett








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