26. Goodnight, and Goodbye

~The Book~

(I) Why Can't I?

The mad young man,
Broken and crying.
It doesn’t matter;
He never gets what he wants.
He just wants to live freely,
Not worry what the rest think.

Why does the world hate us so?
Why must I be this way?
Why should anyone give a damn about me?
Why can’t I just come out?
Why can’t I just say what’s killed me the past 5 years?

A shattered heart,
A battered soul.
Emotionless bastard,
To loud,
To crazy,
To stupid,
To lost.

Why can't I find myself?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I just live?
Why must I hide?

(II) The Actor

Times change,
But people stay the same.
Why can't everyone grow up?
Accept who I am?

Yet I say these things and realize,
That I can't accept who I am.
Where does it start?
When can I realize what’s going on?
Why do I hide in shadows?
Try to get people to ask,
But don't just say it.

I'm an actor,
Changing through the times.
Can't you see the act I've pulled?
Would you believe it if I told you?

Have I pulled it off well?
Did you ever see through the holes?
Have you ever watched who my eyes follow?
All the lies about the girls,
All the truth about the guys.
Only for you it was reversed.
Was the act that good?

Can I keep it up?
Or is the stage falling apart around me?

(III) Evolution

For once in a time,
For slow over the days.
As sure as the sun rises.
And dissipates into night.

For as long as we exist,
And as long as we kill.
People change,
Nothing stays the same.

Am I destined to be killed?
Just because I like guys?
Destined to be hated because I’m not like everyone else?
Destined to certain death in a hell you claim exists?

Or is this evolution,
As natural as being born.
And that certain people have no choice.
Did I ever have the choice?

How would I know?
So far this is how I’ve always been.
And will always be.
I can hide it as long as I want,
But it will never go away.

Is it natural?
Is it taught?

Is it just that I want someone with strength?
And only a guy can give that to me?
Or is it something more?
Something bigger?
Something I can't name?

Well maybe I can.
It would be named me.

(IV) Goodnight

The cool wind cuts into the air.
The light rain falls on my face.
Washes away a painful past,
The blood runs down the drain.

I lay down one last night.
One final time to say goodnight.

I would like to be free,
Meet anyone who cares,
And isn't as fucked up as me?
A guy that doesn’t just want sex.
And doesn’t just want to be friends.
Is that so hard to find.

I'm tired of the dreams.
Tired of the lies.
Tired of this life.

As I lay down one last night,
One last time to say goodnight.

For once I am sure.
It can get worse.
I thought it was bad enough,
But now I can see the bottom.
And I don't want to end up there.
No matter how close I am.

I want a friend,
Someone who knows everything,
I thought I had what I needed,
But it just isn’t enough.
Am I too demanding?
Too specific?
Too retarded?

Am I the fuckup?
Am I the failure?
Am I who I should be?
Am I your dream?
Or are you mine?

I don't know what I want,
But what I have is not enough.
I don't know why you’re not enough,
I don't know why I want to tell them so much.

And they wonder why I can't sleep,
Why I can't even say goodnight.
The hell of sleep:
The thoughts swirl in my head.

So for the last time,
Just one final time,
One final night.
I can say goodnight.

(V) Goodbye

This is the mad young man,
Signing off for the night.
The end of the title,
But hopefully not the end of the life.

Self respect?
What the fuck is that?
I hate myself,
As much as I hate the world.

A fucked up bastard?
I hope that’s what I’m not.
But I don't know what I am.
Who I’ll be.
Where I go.
What I’ve done.
I no longer care.
Because I am saying goodbye.

Wallowing in the pit of despair.
Feeling sorry for myself.
Do I have a right to?
Why don't you tell me?

Better yet maybe just listen,
Instead of talking all the time.
But you’re not like that,
You’re not what I want you to be.

So I must look again.
For just that single person,
The one man.
Who cares enough to show up,
And pull me away from this ledge,
Pull the knife out of my hand,
Pull the rope off my neck,
Just be there.
Someone who cares enough that they would show up,
At the very least to know:
That when I said goodbye,
It wasn't for the last time.

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Justine W's picture

this was amazing. that is the only word i have for it. it made me want to cry and show it to someone else.. really good