Ramblings On The Drive Home

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My Broken Heart

He smiled at me today

first time I can remember

it made my heart melt

it made me so happy

on my least favorite day in the month

 

Then in the same breath told me

he started seeing someone

a week ago he didn't even like

I know that things change

and now you're giving her a chance

but I never had a chance

 

I don't even want you for myself

I know that it won't work

because I'm crazy

and you'd find that out

and you would hate me

and it would ruin everything

 

I wanted this is last a bit longer

I want to be desired by someone 

and I know it was never physical

even though you were attracted to me

but you also knew me

and I was comfortable around you,

I could tell you things

 

I know that I don't really like you

I don't want to marry you

I just didn't want things to change

This banter that we had,

I wanted it to continue

but I know that it can't because

there's always been some flirtation there

 

I don't want to sit next to you

and know that this other girl

is making you happy

I want to make you smile

I want to be the one to make you smile

and the way you stare at me

even now that I know you're dating her

 

You stare at me with your big brown eyes

and you know me in some sense

and you see me 

and so many people don't see me

and I want to be seen

I do, I want to be seen so bad

and I know it's so ugly to see me

 

and at the same time 

I don't want whoever wants to be with me

to see that

I don't want people to see that part of me

the people that have seen it

have hated me, turned away from me,

they've broken my heart

 

I don't want to be broken anymore

I want to be loved

I want to love someone

I want to make somebody happy

but I have so much baggage

and I don't think that 

I'll ever be able to do 

all of those things for somebody

 

I know what would have happened with you

but at the same time it was so nice

because it's been so long 

since I've had someone like me 

that I actually liked too

even though I don't like you physically

I do think you have a cute face at least

but now it's all gone to hell

 

My life has gone to fucking hell

and now I have to sit with you

I have sit there next to you

and I want to joke

I want it to be like it's always been

I miss you so much already

you don't even know

and it could have been anyone

 

It was you but it could have been anyone

that I got along with to some extent

it could have been anyone

but I wanted it to be you

I wanted it to be me 

but more than that I wanted it to be you

but now it will never be

and it might never be for me with anyone

 

I don't want to die by myself

I don't want this life

I don't want it

I'd do anything to be anyone else

I know I have a lot to offer

but at the same time 

I know I have a lot to take away

it's so frustrating 

I'm awful sometimes

and I don't want to be that way

 

I can't even imagine what happens now

I don't want your relationship to work

and I know that's horrible

but I never got a chance

even though i couldn't have a chance

because of this stupid policy

I mean we might have fooled around

but we couldn't have actually dated

I don't even know

 

God did this because he knows

that you're not good for me

you would a bad influence

you drink and you curse

and the whole nine yards

I hate him for trying to do

what's right for me

because I don't deserve the best

I deserve somebody

but not the best

and I know you weren't the best

and I think that's why

I wanted you so much

 

For right now it would have been nice

it would have been nice

to feel all of these things again

that I haven't felt for five years

I'm tired, I'm so tired of all this

of liking someone and them not liking me 

or being liked by someone 

that I can't be attracted to

it's the story of my life every single time 

 

I want to trust God

to give me something that will be amazing

but when will it happen?

I know that it won't happen 

as long as I am the way I am right now

I know that, I know that

but it's not even worth it sometimes

I don't want to be alone

I don't want to be alone

Author's Notes/Comments: 

JJ 2/14/17-3/1/17

I recorded myself talking on the drive home and these are the things I said to myself amidst tears

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Blackwingedbird's picture

I think it's good to ramble,

I think it's good to ramble, thank you for sharing.