The Darkness Inside

I wouldn't say that I suffer from depression but it has wrecked my life for the most part. Fear can be so paralyzing that you isolate yourself in order to protect yourself from whatever you fear. In my case, rejection.


Some days I am so sad I can barely function. I will put on a fake smile like clothing but as soon as I am alone again the frown returns. Few people have any idea how melancholic I can be. I guess I'm a good actress. Or maybe they aren't very observant because sometimes it's hard for me to hold back tears in the presence of others. I'll turn my face and wipe my eyes surreptitiously. If anyone has noticed that I was crying, they haven't cared enough to ask about it.


Sometimes I wish they did notice because in that moment what I really needed was a hug and a reminder that I am loved even if I didn't believe it. I needed to be told that I would overcome this darkness inside one day. Not today. Not even in 10 years. But eventually. It never happened in my worst moments but I did find some people who also lived in the shadows that helped me through the valleys of my emotions. Sometimes they offered advice. But mostly they just listened. And that was all I needed. They urged me that it would pass, like a violent storm would ultimately subside. And it did.


There were periods in my life, usually after a broken heart, that I felt hollowed out, a shell of my former self. I'd go about my life like normal but I was running on empty. Breathing, but not living. I felt like the real me was somewhere locked inside me, screaming to be released. I cried out to God many nights to end my misery, but I was just desperate to be saved. 


Luckily every day is not filled depression. Sometimes I do wake up with a real smile on my face. Often for no reason at all. Occassionally for a reason that will end up causing more pain than joy. But in the moment it feels good to find some happiness. At times I will awake in misery but before the day is through I find a reason to be cheerful.


The journey out of this rut will be an uphill battle. But as long as there is strength in me, I will move forward, conquering the depths of this valley one step at a time. It's reassuring to know that the dark days are fewer and further between now. I am not who I was 10 years ago. I am making progress. I am stronger than I think and I become stronger every day. As long as I don't give up, I haven't failed. I make the choice to push through each downpour and I find a rainbow at the end. And one day I will realize the darkness inside has been defeated.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Inspired by: "Returning to the Real Me" by Evelyn Grace Abbott

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mrpoofs's picture

I know this much too well.

I know this much too well. Fight on sista