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Sweet Relevation

  • With dark intensive eyes he watches me
    And mine absent-mindedly gaze right back
    He gave me a forever, feeling free
    Running endlessly through my mind was Jack

    Sparks flew everywhere, I looked up and the world spun
    The moment was enticingly infinite 
    I screamed with excitement to the lights above
    We walked as I started feeling definite

    Twirling and whirling as my toes went numb
    Crooked smile, tan skin,and your laughter are all the things we have intertwined 
    Glowing because you are the speckled sky I have become 
    But when i looked into your eyes i saw another running through your mind

    Love is patient. Love is kind. Love means slowly losing your mind.
    Love is just the way mankind is designed.

     
     
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Author's Notes/Comments: 

Um, i just want some feedback on it really. And it would be cool if you werent too harsh its my first 

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last updated 17 May 2013 - 1:16am
©17 May 2013 - 1:16am — maria1822
18 May 2013 - 2:53am — SSmoothie
SSmoothie's picture

I really like it a lot it's a

I really like it a lot it's a great topic my folio is full of this kind of thing but I would have to say 

pi like it like this:

 

"With dark intensive eyes he watches me

And mine absent-mindedly gaze right back
He gave me a forever, feeling free
Running endlessly through my mind was Jack

Sparks flew everywhere, I looked up and the world spun
The moment was enticingly infinite 
I screamed with excitement to the lights above
We walked as I started feeling definite

Twirling and whirling as my toes went numb
Crooked smile, tan skin,and your laughter are all the things we have intertwined 
Glowing because you are the speckled sky I have become 
But when i looked into your eyes i saw another running through your mind"


I would end it here. its far more effective This way.  The rest is not really necessary but perhaps but it in the authors comment box if you really feel it needs mentioning. I just feel it over does what is a really great poem. 

Cheers SS 

 

Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS    

"Well, it's love, but not as we know it."

18 May 2013 - 4:31am — maria1822
maria1822's picture

I just added the last two

I just added the last two cause its for school and she wants 14 lines, but yea i see what you mean. I like it like that too

 

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17 May 2013 - 2:23am — allets
allets's picture

Being Cool

Well, those days are over. But to be kind on a first try - read more poetry and you will grow - we all started there (actually this is better than my first poems). Welcome to Postpoems - we are cool to new poets, but watch out later (smile) :D ~~Lady A~~

 

 

17 May 2013 - 2:34am — maria1822
maria1822's picture

Thanks for the advice,

Thanks for the advice, definetly taking it :) 

If you've made it this far, you can go further.