Fear is marked by the tears staining my pages

I like to think I am ok

that when any one person approaches me

I am not suddenly afraid of them.

No I do not worry they will step too close.

No I am not holding my breath.

No I do not think you might hurt me.

In middle school, my mom says I was popular.

She says all the boys drooled all over me,

but their hands were all over me.

They made jokes about my body,

dared eachother to touch my butt

or sometimes my boobs.

My mom didn't know,

so, she just told me those boys love you.

That's why I didn't stop them.

I wasn't told it wasn't ok.

But as I grew older

I learned I felt violated

and I was not respected as a woman.

Maybe that's why

when my boyfriend grabs my ass

just to show those other guys that I am his,

I push him away.

Forgetting who he is

and suddenly feeling ashamed again.

He asked me for nudes once,

but the flashbacks came

from when a boy told me

he could only love me

if I showed him a picture of my tits

and I believed him.

I have never been so ashmed to know

some fuckboy might still have tit pics

lurking in his phone

for when he wants to get it off.

I never opened his pictures.

I didn't want sex.

When he asked, I cried.

No one in the world

has ever made me feel more vulnerable.

Every man I come across,

I fear.

I can't even stand close to my own grandfather.

Even though he would never rape me,

he could hurt me.

Too many times we have come face to face

with my hands by my sides

and his palms in the air.

I specifically remember him saying

"I will hit you."

My mother has woken up

with broken wrists,

wobbly knees,

and bruises covering her body.

My step father brought those to her

along with a hole in the wall

and a broken baby chair.

He wonders why I won't visit.

But I won't admit I am afraid.

One night, when I was higher than the clouds

my mind brought new ideas

like my twin sister who talks with her hand

was actually trying to attack me.

I kept backing up;

yelling at her.

I never knew I could fear the only person

I was ever close to.

Even if she tried to kill me three times,

we were supposed to have this unseperable bond.

Too bad she was the one trying to sever it.

She broke me,

shattering my bones one by one.

I have never been more afraid of someone

than I am of her.

After she physically abused my mother

and lied to everyone about it.

I know if anyone in this world kills me

she would be the first to do it.

Isn't the saying 

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself"

so funny.

Maybe that person lived under a rock.



Author's Notes/Comments: 

A very sensitive poem that gives you a pretty good insight on some of the trouble I have gone through. It's unfortunate to say all of this is true. Please read and let me know how you felt about this. Too story like, or is it poetic enough? Thanks! (:

Jygtcp559's picture



Daniel-59's picture

"There is nothing to fear but

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself"

yeah that's a crock of shit alright .
I'm a old Vet, can't say Ex Soldier like some cause once a soldier always a soldier. I just don't wear a Uniform and take shit from officers anymore .
I have lived with fear on so many levels My whole life.
some of it for basically the same reasons as you . I was Raped as a Kid and left for dead . Yeah I know fear all to well .
the difference comes from I Got Mad ! 
Junkyard Dog Mean Mad ! 
I was Never Going to Feel That Helpless Again ..........
I learned to Fight .
I learned to be a stone cold killer for our Government
I learned a lot of things .....
But I Never Have Completely Conquered That Fear I Had As A Kid 
It's just I was a mean enough Bastard Most people left Me alone 
an I had a Very Good Mask To Hide Any Fear I Had !

The Only Good Advice I Can Give You Is ..... Don't Fight The Fear ! Learn To Use It To Your Advantage ,Cause It Ain't Ever Going To Completely Go Away

As Far As Your Writing Goes ? Hell It's Good enough I Won't Complain About It ! LOL
~ D D ~   

Every story-teller bends the myth to his own purpose. that's why a Hero has a thousand faces

KindredSpirit's picture


You are right about the world.

But the good thing is that you learned young.

You took me back in time by reading

What you wrote.

You did a really good job.

It is emotional.

That is why I wanted to say something.

After everything the last lines made me smile.

You take care.


Most people have fights in their families

( just so you know )

lostboyjojo's picture

Thank you. I always

Thank you. I always apperciate your comments and your thoughtfulness. Carry on my friend.

Small girl with a big heart. -Jo 

KindredSpirit's picture


I like that your comfortable with your names.

But I really feel bad for you after reading this.

Your writing is fine. Maybe a couple missed words.

I just want you to become more comfortable

with yourself . 

You are really sweet , but you worry to much

About some things.

Them pictures dont matter one bit.

I will stop for now.

You take care and write it out

When and what if you need to.


Just write what your comfortable with

And do what your comfortable with.

That is a good thing.

djtj's picture

The world is a scary place.

The world is a scary place.  And unfortuantely its an ageless problem of which each generation has yet to escape. I believe instead of thinking poetic go the way of the the poet in the youtube session you recommended on your profile page.  Very moving, as yours is.  Written as prose it would be hard to follow so I think this form is what is needed.  Concentrate more on the rythm that would come out when read out loud and the release of anger when yelled to the world

lostboyjojo's picture

Thank you!

Thank you for the wonderful advice! I will definitely take it into consideration when writing more and when editing this one. (: 

Small girl with a big heart. -Jo 

allets's picture

You're A Journal Writer

Love  your "you" addressees - The rant is a post poems tradition. Well said!