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Sometimes I forget he does love me.

Everytime he leaves my house,

I remind him to text me

as soon as he gets home.

And he does.

Because the first time he forgot

I never slept.

I found a police scanner

and turned on the news

waiting for the report that says

"blonde hair, blue eyed boy found dead."

And that morning when I gulped down coffee

and cleaned my tear stained face

he finally texted me.

Apologizing, he swore he'd never do it again.

He hasn't.

But sometimes

he forgets to mention he is going out.

So at midnight when my panic settles in my gut,

instead of him calling to calm me down

he replies with "I can't I am at a party."

And the panic rises to my head,

where I explode.

Through my one word replies he realises

I am not ok.

He calls

apologizing constantly

saying he is the one who should be sorry

even though my mental illnesses are to blame.

I panic another night

because it has been a half hour

since he texted me back.

And that seems strange to me

because a half hour ago

ge replied within a minute.

But, fourty-five minutes later

when I start shaking

and looking up the latest car accidents,

he texts me.

Sorry love, I was driving home.

And I suddenly remember the countless times

I have told him to never text and drive.

I realize my panic

presses me to think he is hurt,

and sometimes it makes me

forget he love me.

My love texts back.

He has done what I asked,

so that I don't have another panic attack.

He reminds me

that he does the best he can

to not worry me.

Because he loves me

even with all my panic.