Hopeless - - which seems better??

Folder: 
Depression

"Hopeless"   9 - 26 - 01



the dark

heart

the light

body

the small

mind

the dead

soul

this huge

hole

this lacking

life

full of

strife

expecting the

death

letting go

hope

cutting the

rope

burning my

bridges

ignoring my

friends

waiting, my

end....



----------------------------------------



"Hopeless"   9 - 26 - 01



the dark

heart,

the body,

light

the small

mind,

the dead

soul,

this huge

hole

this life,

lacking

strife is

filling,

expecting the

death,

letting go,

hope

cutting the

rope

burning my

bridges,

ignoring my

friends

waiting, my

end....

Author's Notes/Comments: 

which one seems better??  the 1st one is the original and the second revised    give me a holler and tell me   email or critique, no matter   thanx

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Stacey Burd's picture

I like the 2nd one better. It's easier to read with puncuation, well for me anyway. :x

Chris's picture

I like the original version...to me it semed to flow a litte more.