Prime Numbers

 

I wish life was

a mathematical 

problem 

like finding prime numbers

that there was some algorithm for

constant internal struggle 

 

One room in my house is a lie

and you think you know what pain is

until walk inside of it

 

and it's like this:

 

my father's walls are yellow

a bright, false display 

a really bad advertisement 

Heavy whiffs of things...

war relics bathing in ammonia 

urine soaked sheets

limbs decaying 

shame. arrogance. after shave. 

 

There is

a mouth with thin lips

feigning ignorance

laughing in denial

spouting commands and demands 

a mouth that cannot accept its own 

sloth of an end 

 

and I love this man

 and he has never loved me 

Even after all I have done

 all of the late nights of 

soothing bed sores

and cleaning up horrific accidents that

made me mentally unstable 

   crying upstairs with

an unloaded .38 smith and wesson revolver to my head 

thinking 

maybe I should just load it

 

maybe I should stop pretending that I

mean more to him than a daily survival mechanism 

 

and I don't mean that in a good way 

I mean that in a selfish way

that I am literally a tool

a piece of essential equipment 

a thing

I am a thing. To him. 

 

and it's not fair

but there is no special formula for

making someone else love you back. 

 

 

 

 

 

"Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them."

 

 

 

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word_man's picture

i guess i wish i could find

i guess i wish i could find that formula 

i thing we just stagger through and hope for the best

touching write

Cascade's picture

Hurting people hurt people.

Hurting people hurt people. My father left when I was very young. He never looked back. My mother stayed and raised me. I had all the things I needed except a relationship with her. I don't know much about my fathers story, but my mothers story was told to me by her best friend. My mother's mother, my grandmother, whom I never knew because she killed herself right after i was born, she was very mentally ill and she never showed love to my mother. My mother's life was hell. Knowing this made it easier to understand and love her despite everythig.

This was a very touching read, dear poet

allets's picture

The Pattern

A prime number is a whole number greater than 1, whose only two whole-number factors are 1 and itself. The first few prime numbers are 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, and 29

They are divisible by one and itself. And this is the reason me and math are exes. :D