At Jon's


warm in those dreamy pillows

and outside the wind is billowing down

the trees fall around us

laughter like a river spontaneously flowing

rapped around you unknowing

or what tomorrow may bring

I hope it brings you...

may I take back the rain

may I take back your loneliness

and on you I'm sure she got to rest

they can look at you and wonder

they can look up at you and dream

but you are my dream and I sure

as heck can be mean,

inside your arms as I see and

feel your breath come and go

rushing like a waterfall

tomorrow I'll have to wait so long ...

to hear your voice again.

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vipervenomnu's picture

sounds a little forced and needs to be more directed. Other than that it's good. The topic is a strong one and the points you make are clear but the rhyming is easy and maybe needs some work. Not your best but they can't all be. I wrote something new tonight and since you told me to never stop writing i thought you should be the first to know. Hopefully there will be more but i'm feeling lyrically weak lately and it's just starting to come back to me.