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At Jon's
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Three warm in those dreamy pillows
and outside the wind is billowing down
the trees fall around us
laughter like a river spontaneously flowing
rapped around you unknowing
or what tomorrow may bring
I hope it brings you...
may I take back the rain
may I take back your loneliness
and on you I'm sure she got to rest
they can look at you and wonder
they can look up at you and dream
but you are my dream and I sure
as heck can be mean,
inside your arms as I see and
feel your breath come and go
rushing like a waterfall
tomorrow I'll have to wait so long ...
to hear your voice again.
sounds a little forced and needs to be more directed. Other than that it's good. The topic is a strong one and the points you make are clear but the rhyming is easy and maybe needs some work. Not your best but they can't all be. I wrote something new tonight and since you told me to never stop writing i thought you should be the first to know. Hopefully there will be more but i'm feeling lyrically weak lately and it's just starting to come back to me.