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dear body,

when I was sleeping peacefully one night and some strange disease climbed out of my genetic code,

how did the conversation go between the two of you?

was there an intense negotiation about where he was supposed to end up?

did he originally ask to set up shop in my left lung or in my pancreas or something?

and if so, why did you refuse?

why, out of all places, did you decide to offer my large intestine as prime real estate?

girls like me aren't even supposed to have intestines inside of our bodies

haven't you heard that it's not proper to have bodily functions?

girls are only ever supposed to enter a bathroom to

check the mirror,

fix their hair,

re-apply

lipstick

dear body

when a concerned friend asks me what's wrong with you

I tell her that I "get stomachaches sometimes."

I don't tell her that there are lesions on the walls of my intestines

I definitely don't tell her that I have elevated risk of colorectal cancer

I don't tell her that my pillbox is crammed full of strange, unnatural chemicals

that make my body do embarrassing things

I don't tell her that, in sixth grade, I nearly died of malnutrition

because I didn't want to deal with the consequences of eating

I don't tell her that every inch of my skin

has become too well acquainted

with the feeling of the cold, linoleum floor

of a McDonald's restroom

in Virginia

I don't tell her

that I'm ashamed of you

dear body

I know that I'm supposed to thank you

for allowing oxygen to circulate throughout my lungs

and for taking me to places I could have never reached without you

but when you were choosing symptoms for me to suffer from,

why did you choose them from jokes in a 1st grade classroom?

why do you give me so much pain

if I can't even talk to anyone about how I'm feeling

without a six-year-old boy giggling to himself because it's funny

or even my best friend offering no words of consolation but

"haha, whoa, TMI!"

as if I just described to her in full detail the contents of a dirty gas station bathroom

and not the reasons behind my depression

dear body

do you remember that time we went without nourishment for three days straight?

I starved you

no food, only water

and yellow Gatorade

and two saltine crackers for breakfast when my self-control slipped

dear body do you know why I did that to you?

I did that because I was going away for the weekend with my boyfriend

and I knew that if I had any food in my system

you'd show symptoms

and my biggest fear in the world is knowing just how much I could disgust him

you see, you're not very ladylike sometimes

dear body

I'm sorry

I'm sorry that I'm so ashamed of you

I know that it's hard for you, too

I'm simply stumbling in the dark, reaching for a guilty party

in a case where the two of us are victims together

dear body

thank you for carrying me through all of the physical agony that we've had to endure together

and thank you for keeping my heart beating, despite the odds

but please

if any other villains approach you and ask if they can make a home inside you

next time, please, just shut the doors and tell them there are no vacancies