Levels of Loneliness


Sometimes when it’s really bad
I pretend. Pretend that someone
Is there next to me.

I do it mainly at home.
Imagining what I’d do if there
Really was someone sitting
Next to me on the couch,
Or in my kitchen cooking,
Or in my shower bathing.

It’s sad, probably pathetic,
And most likely crazy.

Then there are times when
It gets even worse.
When I reach that state
Pretending won’t do,
I have to step up my game.

I go and sit somewhere
In public, people watching.
Usually a Starbucks,
Occasionally the mall.
I watch and watch,
Just the interactions
Others are having.

When it’s at its dead worse
I have to find a single person.
I’ll fixate on them, imagining
What they’re like, observing
Everything I can about them
To help me paint a picture
Of how they might react
To me. Sometimes, as crazy
As it is, it really helps.

Other times…it doesn’t.
And I’m sure I just come off
As a creep, a loser who
Should probably just give up.

I’d never thought I’d be this lonely.
I’m angry. How are all these
People around me and I can’t
Talk or reach out to any of them.

When pretending, people watching or
The combination doesn’t work
I go home to consume the nearest
Liquor, pill, or any other drug.
I don’t expect it to make anything
Better I just want to find a
Place where I can’t think or
Fall into an artificial sleep.

I’m thinking of changing my approach,
I’ll throw myself at men until
One of them has me, and if he
Mistreats me, so be it,
I probably deserve it.
And if that doesn’t work I’ll just
Run my mouth until someone
Hurts me and if I’m lucky
They’ll kill me in the process.

That's how lonely I am, if
I can't have hands touch me
With love then I'll settle
For hands bringing me pain.

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Phoenix_Rising's picture

Instead of resorting to

Instead of resorting to alcohol or drugs,  try getting a cat.  You earn a cats trust,  that cat can sometimes be better than having a person next to you.  I have a cat,  her name is Poppy and at night I can literally hug up to her and sleep.  She don't always stay there all night,  but sometimes she does.  Best cat I ever had and she loves me more than any guy has ever showed to me.  Which is really sad,  but then again,  I make bad choices in men.  The last 2 guys I've been with were meth heads 


*~I may fall, but just like the Phoenix, I will rise from the ashes~*

Diamond_Wills_New_War's picture

I have a cat, her name's

I have a cat, her name's Becky. I'm not exaggerating when I say I wouldn't be alive without her, she's my best friend.


Long days and pleasant nights

Diamond

Phoenix_Rising's picture

That's how I am with poppy, 

That's how I am with poppy,  though I'll tell you she's my child,  my fur baby.... I've had her for 3 years,  so she's been around through a lot of stuff I been through.  I like dogs,  especially pit bulls,  but I think I like cats better.  


*~I may fall, but just like the Phoenix, I will rise from the ashes~*