PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

     I was riding my bike today through the trees and as wheels spun so did the thoughts in my head, they grinded at my life thus far. I'm a farcry from what I was, that's for sure, but I have this ambition I think. Everytime I've reached a new level that I think is right where I need to be I have to change; I have to reach a new plateau and never stop or be content. The only thing worse than being alone, I think, is being content. I  really don't think I'm alone in this.

     I'm weaving in and out of joggers and guys out with their kids while I'm yelling, "On your left!". I'm thinking how did I get here? What were the choices? I left my small town to find more and escape the sloth of my small town friends. I refuse to be that way, just sitting on a couch getting stoned with no positive benefit. Where all the women are praying you find them attractive so you might knock them up and take care of them forever. I opted out and came to a big city where honestly there is always someone down to get their ass up and do something that's never been done. 

     There's a lake half way through and everytime I see it I think about my mom. I lost her too early and that's when my heavy drinking started. I was a mess and anybody who knew me instantly assumed I would make it through because I was level headed. I painted on a smile to make others not worried but inside I was lost and confused. I had no one and my friends could never understand my disconnection with them. My life at that moment was to relearn how to live. 

     A cool breeze hit's me as I hit my favorite hill on the ride, and I think about the past year. I was still drinking entirely too much with my band mates and generally not giving a shit about what comes next at that point. I met a girl, who at the time I didn't view as a love interest but more as an object of lust. I thought she wouldn't like me or would be become disinterested so I kept my feelings at bay. The more I learned about her and her hobbies the more I could see that I wanted to be this way. I wanted to always have a book to read or something new to learn. To know that adventure was always everywhere it just takes a change in yourself to realize it. I wanted an opinion about everything and to know it all. I wanted to brew beer and have an eye for style and what is cool and not be content, just like I've always needed. I changed myself so much and the stress and pressure from such change unfortunately changed me too. I felt like this new adventure I had taken was something that I could never be apart of. I was in a competition whether I wanted to be or not and there were others around me who put me out of my element. I could feel the stares and the judgment of my laxadasicle personality, they viewed it as me being unintelligent. I act the way I do more or less for comedic effect but my emotional intelligence could not allow me to bond with these people. These people who piss in your face and then tell you it's just rain.

     Even though I've had negative situations in my life play out, from losing my mother, to losing my lover, or losing my sanity I have gained knowledge and experience. The person I changed into to make someone else happy is not a waste. I have made myself better for someone in the future even if that person is just myself. 

I put my bike back into my truck and sat on my tailgate for a while. The world is so interesting and we're all going through some kind of misfortune but I want to be honest when I say that no matter how big or small the problem there are people just like you, just like me who will help you. 

I drove off feeling better, but not perfect.