How do you stop thinking

caring for another

tell me the secret

teach me the tricks,

I want to walk up to strangers

Ring them by their stained necks

and proclaim my stupid love

to someone who won't judge,

I want to move far away

so far that no one will know me

my past or my pains

and tell me to be passive,

I'm under the gun 

out of my element

I told her she would hate me

she fell in and out of love anyway,

I write fiction in the morning

nonfiction at night 

mostly when I've been drinking

and thinking out loud to write,

bring me a new love

and distract me so

I envy the married couples

even if it's a sham,

This disconnection is celebrated

by the more cowardice side 

of my brain these days

Enticing the synapses to bleed,

Im a normal guy

In a normal job pretending

to be extraordinary 

and failing extraordinarily so,

So far all I've learned is that I'm racist

that Im a misogyonist 

that I'm unmotivated and lazy

and this is all a lie,

Im just a normal kid unaware of status

of gender bullshit static

of ambitious pursuits for myself

a constant purveyor of truths,

I never wanted to be this way

or end up so damn bitter

I never wanted to fit in

maybe just to fall into place